Invading another's space

I once visited the home of a lover. It was the first time I had actually spent an extended period of time in his space. It was shocking how difficult it appeared to be for him.

In all the years I had known him, I had never known him to be particularly irritable or defensive. However, I suddenly found myself in silly tiny conversational conflicts when I didn't agree one hundred percent with minor opinions he expressed. I found myself on more than one occasion backpedaling on my somewhat contradictory opinion, to assure him that I did not disagree with him.

One evening I mentioned that I was looking forward to visiting his region again soon, and he over-reacted something awful. Suddenly I was putting him in 'a difficult position'.

He put words in my mouth, suggesting that I had just told him I was planning on spending an entire season with him. I assured him I was doing no such thing, and certainly had no such intentions, not even of visiting again, not without an invitation. He moaned that he could not give me what I wanted or needed. This was a message that he routinely delivered to me. I assured him that I would not expect anything from him.

We went out one evening. I met many people, and even flirted with some of the men. Usually he did not mind this; and spent a fair amount of his time flirting / talking with other women. It was a game we had played before. Suddenly he disappeared. It turns out that he had left the party without a word to me. I was in an unknown city; somewhat under the influence of more than a few glasses of wine; and left alone. Well.... I am a grown up and I can manage.... but still.... I was a tad shocked. I would expect any friend to at least check and see if I had cab fare to get home before just up and leaving.

When I arrived back at his place a few hours later, I asked why he had done such a thing. He claimed I was too busy with other (men) for him to get to, to tell me he was leaving. I said that that seemed like a weak excuse, and that I didn't think it bothered him if I was talking (flirting) with other guys. He asked me why I would think he didn't care. Was he being jealous??!!??

By the time I returned home from that visit I was more confused than ever. He told me he didn't see any future for our relationship since we lived so far apart. Yet, he held me more than warmly upon saying goodbye, kissed me with what felt like feeling, and said he would call.

Was the relationship over? Had he managed to communicate his real feelings? What are his real feelings?

Do people ever become capable of expressing consistently and honestly what they feel?

Relationship Purgatory

Purgatory

• a temporary condition of torment or suffering
• temporary state or process of "cleansing" after death in preparation for Heaven

If only 'relationship purgatory' was temporary, and the reward of relationship 'heaven' was inevitable.

The particular relationship purgatory I have/had placed myself in was not always one of torment. But it certainly was a place neither here, nor there; neither heaven nor hell; and by necessity temporary. If one stays forever in a state without growth, one will eventually have to admit it is a hell they are in.

Decision Making

It suddenly dawns on me that 'they' (meaning that mysterious other gender) really DO make decisions based on that unique piece of anatomy they posess. It's just a plus for them if they also like, have something in common, enjoy the company of, etc. the object of their desire.

While obviously women too can be motivated by hormonal urges.... I think that if we suspect that our actions could be misleading to others, or hurt others, we will look elsewhere for that hormonal release... or go without. We seem to be more motivated by the promise of companionship.

No matter how nice and respectful a man may be, when it comes right down to it, he seems incapable of making the 'right' decision if the possiblity of 'getting some' is part of the equation.

Why do I keep forgetting this?

A new and different journey

For approximately the last 5 years, my life has been marked by too much negative upheaval. A tragic decision to become deeply involved with an incredibly wounded man resulted in one headache and heartache after another. The good news of course is that I learned an incredible amount about myself and the decisions I make through this trying experience.

In any case, it is now in my past and I have decided to mark this occasion with a year of positive upheaval!

One of the things that I have always hoped to be able to do for (and with) my daughter, is to give her the opportunity to live outside of North America for a period of time prior to high school. A number of things have come together in my life, so that this year I am going to be able to make this dream a reality.

So - Alfhild's journey, while I doubt I will abandon completely, will be overshadowed by a new blog that will document this new physical journey.

To follow our adventures, check out http://travellingwithteen.blogspot.com/

A Frustrated Romantic

I often consider why I find it difficult to do what so many of my friends do; or what is often recommended to women in my single situation: Why don't I just get on with my life and enjoy being single? Stop looking for or hoping for a relationship with a significant other.

My therapist says I am a frustrated romantic. And to his credit, he does not say this like it is a bad thing.

I say I am a 'best friend' kind of person. As much as I like my own company and am an independent person.... it remains that I honestly experience more joy sharing moments with someone than experiencing them alone.

I have dabbled a little again lately with dating.... thinking perhaps it would be healthier for me than 'putting all my eggs in one basket'. Especially a basket that seems to have a fairly weak bottom and has moved half way across the world. It's been relatively disastrous. The pickings are slim. Plus.... I have to admit.... I'm not sure my heart is really into it much.

What, I wonder were the strange combinations of influences and personality traits that made me a romantic?

I do, however, cling to the belief that one day it will all come together for me. I will have matured enough to chose a S/O with whom I can have the best friend love that I yearn for.

Distance and Connection

Once upon a time there were two people. They really enjoyed each other’s company. They spent 2 or 3 evenings a week together. They went out. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They made love. They talked and laughed. One day, one said to the other one: Why don’t we plan a weekend together and do something. Anything you want. Ok said the other one. Soon after that their get-togethers started to get more difficult to schedule, and slowly they saw less and less of one another.

When, after some weeks, the eventual confrontation occurred, where one professed love and hope for a future, the other admitted to struggling with feelings for a past love; with uncertainty in their ability to ever commit or engage again. Yet they seemed to leave that meeting with an agreement to continue to see one another, and for a few months they pretended that nothing had changed, until one day contact just ceased.

The abandoned person cried, and yelled into the lonely silence. After a number of months, when they thought they were over the worst of it… they sent a message. Very slowly over the next few months, contact was restored between them. They acknowledged a connection, a need, a desire, and a fear – each had a different fear…. but fear was there. One day the abandoned person said to the other…. I can’t do this anymore…. I want more…. I can’t be just your friend that you have sex with. So for a few months again, they tried not to have contact …. But now the distancer could not seem to maintain the distance.

Ultimately, neither one of them could maintain the distance, and again very slowly…. contact between them grew more frequent…. phone calls, emails, instant messaging… dates….contact became a regular part of their life. Strangely, the one who was ‘the distancer’ was the one who most often initiated contact. Months passed. There were moments of closeness, even moments of tension…. but they passed. Through it all, distance was maintained…. yet not. A pretence of closeness and an equal pretence of distance. Which was real? Which was not?

Which was more real?

One day, one said to the other one…. would you consider taking a vacation with me? Yes, said the other one. I would.

Very shortly after that, the other one said to the first one: I’m sorry…. I’m going to be moving far far away.

Months passed. They were hard months. But the last few weeks they had together they seemed to grow yet ever closer. On the day of the move, they went to the airport. As the one who was leaving was getting ready to leave they promised to come back in a few months so they could have that vacation together. Did they both shed a tear or two? Or did just one of them?

The distancer, who now lived thousands of miles away, still made contact on a very regular basis. There was no denying that they were connected…. and even distance did not change that connection. Yet still…. now there were two kinds of distance between them.

They talked regularly and they looked forward to the ‘vacation’. The vacation happened… and it was as if they had never been apart. They talked. They laughed. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They went out. They made love.

But again, there was a trip to the airport. There were tears shed. And the loneliness seemed to grow even bigger.

There is a connection, yet there is a distance. This is the reality.

Flirting at gyms

The only way I can get myself to go to the gym is to make an appointment with a personal trainer. Even then there are times when I find myself calling him to say.... "I just can't make it!" I'm essentially a lazy person. Anyway.... my trainer and I have such a good time... the hour flies by. This is the second trainer I have had... and they have both had such fantastic senses of humour that it's just a fun time.

My current trainer, K, is this cute 30 something gay guy constantly on the prowl for long term love / relationship, and settling for lots that come his way in the meantime. We have a lot in common. :) So - between bench presses, push ups, reverse crunches, and other forms of 21st century torture (have you ever seen those machines?) we compare notes on lovers and adventures of all kinds.

The gym we usually meet at is very low key and quiet. We are sometimes the only ones there. The other day, though, we met at the other branch of the gym. This one is more glass and steel, uptown, and comparatively very busy. Not really my scene. However, I did note that if I went to the gym to meet guys I would be better off going to the uptown branch. K agreed, "It can be a bit of a meat market" he said.

"Really?" I asked, feigning more interest than I actually have.

K laughed and joked that he could see me arriving in some hot lingerie rather than the standard tights and t-shirt.

I told him that at 47 years old, I didn't think I truly looked my flirting best at the gym. I favour darker places, that serve alchohol . I reckon I will have more luck if my subjects are a bit blurry-eyed.

Maybe it's time to invest in some of those lulu lemon clothes, and pull out the heavy duty makeup before going to the gym!

Economies of conflict

I'm watching Anderson Cooper on television. I'd never heard of Anderson Cooper until a few weeks ago. I was at the library, waiting for my daughter, and perusing the "New Books - Short term loan" section. Anderson Cooper's book (with the unfortunate title of "Dispatches from the edge" [i'm not kidding] ) captured my attention. I have no idea why... maybe cause I think he is good looking and his picture is on the cover. In any case, I read the book.

Now, although I usually abhore CNN, I occasionally tune in to his television show.

So - one of the stories is on the 'war on drugs" - Columbia, cocaine, etc. etc. It has taken a back seat lately to the war in Iraq / the 'war on terrorism'. Next, there is a story that puts forth Hugo Chavez as a very serious threat to U. S. security; followed by a story about the perils of poor security at airports. And I wonder.....

When was the last time the US wan't 'at war' with someone? or something? Why is our culture / economy based on conflict?

International Women's Day = K Free Day!

I am now officially a single woman again!!!!

Four years ago next month, I called the police very late one night because my then-husband (K) had attempted to kill me; and I was scared and didn't know what else to do. His perspective is that he wasn't trying to kill me.... but I felt that my life was at risk.

He promised to make the divorce as long and as expensive as possible. He did more than that - he also filed a civil claim for damages against me. He claimed that I assaulted him and then called the police and made a false claim and he suffered financially and emotionally and I should be made to pay. As part of the divorce settlement he has signed a document dropping that claim. It has been a long and expensive process - but as of yesterday (International Women's Day) I am officially divorced.

For anyone who might still question what went on that horrible night.... here is an excerpt from the claim he filed against me:

"Following the second assault on his person by [me] (assault described as a 'violent and painful slap to his face without warning'), the Plaintiff gently restrained his aggressor, placed her on the bed and advised her in a matter-of-fact manner that he could break her neck if he wanted to. [Me] began screaming loudly in an effort to embarrass the Plaintiff and draw attention to herself. Accordingly, the Plaintiff placed a pillow over her mouth to prevent her screaming as it was quite late at night."

Obviously, in his mind, this was completely acceptable behaviour. The fact that I could not breath was just a side effect I guess.

One of the darkest chapters of my life is now over. And spring is on the way. What could be better?

Have a great weekend!!!

Happy Birthday

Every year on my birthday, I make a point of gathering my closest friends together. It helps me feel loved. It is my annual, very necessary, ego pick-me-up.

I just watched scenes from the film, "Bridget Jones Diary". The scene that gets me (probably gets most of us) is when the Mark Darcy character, played by Colin Firth, tells Renee Zellwigger's Bridget that he likes her 'just the way she is'. Well... my god.... doesn't that make all of our female (and many of our male) hearts skip a beat!

And then, shortly afterward, Bridget is making dinner for her three closest friends. Mark shows up and tries to help her salvage what is one fantastic culinary disaster. At the dinner table, surrounded by blue soup, and inedible marmalade dessert... again Bridget is toasted and loved, "just as she is!"

My god.... can any of us ask for anything more than that?

I will continue to invite my closest and dearest to help me celebrate my birthday each year. I, like most of us I suspect, need to be told as often as possible that we are loved... just the way we are.

People are in pain

People are hurting.

Everywhere I look, people are hurting.

And they try so desperately to soothe their own pain. They feel worthless and powerless and they will do anything to make that feeling go away. Too often, we believe that if we can impress others, we will prove our own worth - to them and to ourselves. People will lie, steal, cheat, and otherwise hurt others in atttempts to impress others.

We believe that if we impress others, we prove our worth. We will soothe the pain inside.

There is a certain kind of agressiveness that happens everyday in this attempt to soothe the pain. I was watching a scene from the sacharine film "Pay it Forward" the other day. An incarcerated street punk claims that he is the one who invented the whole idea. He wants the reporter to believe that he is this smart; this giving; this thoughtful; this worthy. He wants to believe it himself.

The partner or boss who belittles and abuses others - he wants them to believe he has power - he wants to believe he has power. He wants to soothe the powerlessness within.

It seems more common in men.

It breaks my heart.

Classic V-day Bitterness

On my ideal Valentines day one or more of the following would happen:

1.) a huge and beautiful bouquet of flowers will be delivered to my door, sent by the object of my desire.... roses, would be ok.... lilies would be better.... calla lillies and red roses together might prove unbelievable and irresistable.

2.) the object of my desire, whom I have been unable to see for awhile, would show up unexpectedly at my door.... fortunately I would have for some unknown reason just finished grooming and dressing as if I had a hot date, and look so good his heart would melt on the spot.

3.) diamonds are good too.

Do you think I may have been just a 'little' influenced by marketing campaigns?

Guess what? None of the above happened today. For that matter none of the above has ever happened to me. I did get a happy V day email though.

I'm going to celebrate "disapointment in love" tonight with a girlfriend by burning all existing pictures of the last horrible excuse for a husband I had. Or at least pretend and drink a lot of wine!

stickgirl comic courtesy of: http://stickgal.blogspot.com/

Foodie Foolishness

One of my closest friends is a 'foodie'.... meaning that she makes her living in the food/cooking business. In her work, she comes into contact with some of Toronto's most famous 'foodies'. What a lot of nonsense! (Make no mistake... I am not making fun of my friend's work... I respect her business a lot and she would be amoung the first to admit that the whole 'food' world is full of pretense and silliness, not to mention back-biting).

Anyway.... last Saturday four of us were to go out for dinner, and three out of four of us were interested in going to a steakhouse. We debated back and forth the pros and cons of going to an established chain whose name has three letters, or to one of the many 'fine dining' steak houses in town. Now, I don't eat beef.... so I really didn't have too much opinion one way or the other. While I am extremely suspicous of the abilities of any chain kitchen to produce anything but mediocre quasi-intstitutional food.... I am not a steak connoisseur. Besides, I tend to be far more interested in the companionship, conversation, and red wine than I'll ever be about the food. Suffice to say ... the proponents of the 3-letter chain restaurant won the little-debated debate.

One of the deciding arguments presented in this non-debate was that a number of 'foodies' had recently remarked that they believed that for your money the 3-letter chain steakhouse was better than said small steakhouse with the grand reputation.

HUH!!!! Shows what they know!

While I did contemplate the fish special at about $30.00; I decided that the chance that what I received I would feel was worth $30.00 was too steep a risk for me. I chose the combo side of 3 vegetables and a side of rice pillaf for a total of about $13.00. I figured if I chose something pretty hard to really fuck up, and the price was not too outrageous I wouldn't do too bad.

Well.... one of us had one 'overcooked' lobster tail for about $18.00; one of us had steak for about $30.00 they felt tasted 'old', one of us had prime rib that was "pretty good" for about $30.00. And of course, I had vegetables.

Well.... you be the judge.... was this good value for money?

Besides, for the first half of the evening the music was too loud and horrible and the waiter didn't offer to hang our coats.

On the plus side, we picked a pretty good bottle of $40 something California Merlot and the company was terrific!!!!

A wandering mind

The hardest thing I've had to learn, and the most important, is that not everyone sees the world the way I see it; or thinks the way I do; or experiences the world the way I do, or expects the same things as I do. I am not always sure if I behave consistently with this lesson - but I do try.

I am more than reasonably irritated when others behave in ways that suggest they expect that others DO see, think, experience and expect the same way that they do. Judgement is extraordinarily annoying. I hate it when I catch myself behaving judgementally.

But it really seems to me that this incongruency lies at the heart of most conflicts that people experience, be they big or small. Of course, there is that one little problem that we all do have our limits... and there will always be those whose limits one cannot accept.

I just finished reading "We have to talk about Kevin", a captivating and disturbing novel that explores the process of one mother coming to terms with being the mother of a mass murder-er. Like most of us I would find it very difficult to not be judgemental of a mass-murderer's way of 'being' in the world.

Watching CSI last night, and one character says to another about a murderer: "How does one cross that line?" and the other character responds: "I don't think they cross the line. I think they were born on the other side of it."

Nature vs nurture.... the enduring question.

From judgemental behaviour to the enduring question - a wandering mind at work.

Midwinter in Toronto

A very routine 'diary' like posting:

Saturday last was the "John Doe" annual birthday party. It's an old fashioned 70s style party- live music, tons of people, tons of intoxicants etc. I went with two friends. One of my friends new the host because way back when she had been married to a friend of the host. The two men had known one another when they were both living at Roshdale, which was this infamous 'free' college at the UofT in the 60s. Hope that gives you a picture of the type of party it is. It was fun. I got my ego stroked. Got hit on by lots of men. None of them the least bit tempting.... but still..... a girl can always enjoy soaking up some appreciation now and again. LOL.

V (my guy who has moved away) and I continue to be in very regular contact.... almost everyday there is either a telephone conversation or an email, or both. He still doesn't have a personal computer, so no access to Skype or MSN right now. I like to romantically think that perhaps he misses me more than he thought he would..... but that may just be me practising wishful thinking.

One of my best friends and I have embarked on a weekend adventure this winter. We have been trying to master the art of baking cream puffs and/or cream cornets/cones. We've tried 2 different recipes thus far. (We were too hungover after the big birthday party last weekend to try recipe 3) The first one was the biggest disaster I think I have ever experienced in over 30 years of baking. Inedible. Last week's were quite edible, but still there was a lot of room for improvement. We aim to try recipe 3 on the weekend, unless we get lazy and decide to wimp out and just bake pies!

Male Sleaziness

Sorry guys.... this is going to be a bit of a male-bashing post. It's not that I dislike you guys in general.... it's just that too often individual men just make such a bad showing of it, that it gets us all down.

I watched the film, "The Constant Gardiner" last night. I really enjoyed it. A typical LaCarre thrilling ride, a lovely love story and heart-rending political message. I recommend it highly.

There is a scene in the film when our heroine, who has been let down by a man that she trusted and has declared love for her, asks him for a favour. Granted, it is a big favour that could put the gentleman at question at risk. He does not want to give it to her. She (for better or worse), offers that if he does this favour, she will sleep with him. It should be noted that she is married to one of his closest friends and colleagues, does not love him, and probably will not follow through on this deal. He too, is of course, married. What does this sleaze-ball do? He accepts her proposition.

Is there nothing a man will not do to fuck a woman he is infatuated with? Does he never put friendship, loyalty, or respect above the desires of his cock? It never ceases to amaze me.

Not too long ago, a woman close to me told me the following story: She (let's call her Mary)and her husband of more than a decade had recently divorced, and she was celebrating by visiting friends in another city. She spent one night at the home of very good friends. Let's call the couple Jenn and Ian. Jenn and Ian had been friends with Mary and her ex-husband for many many years. Mary considered Ian to be a very good friend of hers. After a lovely evening together, Mary slept well in their guest bedroom. She awoke long after Jenn had left for work the following morning. She got up and made herself some coffee, and Ian (who had a very flexible schedule) joined her for coffee in the living room. A fine and comfortable morning routine shared by two old friends. What could be more assuring?

Ian interrupts this lovely scene to point blank tell Mary: "I'm really attracted to you and would love to eat your pussy!"

I am NOT making this up. This is what this man says to his old, old friend. Can you imagine anything more sleazy? Mary was shocked, I was shocked, and no doubt if Jenn knew of the behaviour of her well-loved husband she too, would be shocked. Note too: this was MORNING.... they had not been drinking... he had no excuse for his abominable behaviour. AND he had previously never truly shown his sleazy side.

Ian is a regular guy in his forties. He holds a good job. He has been married long enough to have grown children. He appears to be well informed and normally well behaved.... but he would throw away his friendship, the respect that Mary had for him, possibly his marriage.... to make this bizarre and sleazy pass at a woman that he considered a friend. What the hell is going on inside the minds of men?

When I was a teenager I had a very good male friend. He dated one of my best friends. One night I was driving him home and he asked if we could stop and talk. So I stopped the vehicle in a quiet spot.... we often confided in each other.... Well.... turns out on this particular night what my good friend wanted more than anything was to coerce me into some sexual acts. I was hurt, and shocked and said no. He responded by taking the keys of my vehicle and refusing to give them to me unless I agreed. It was getting late and I was worried I would be late getting home. He begged. I refused. He took the keys and started to walk away from the vehicle.... leaving me abandoned. To tell you the truth, I don't remember how that evening resolved..... I know I didn't have sex with him.... but it may be that I let him do something I would rather not have done - some sort of minor touching.

You would think that the friendship would have been irrevicably harmed, wouldn't you? Surprising, even to myself, is that it did not take much or long for me to forgive him. It turns out that from a very young age.... girls learn that boys/men 'will' behave badly.... that is just the way it. So, we learn to either forgive, or hate. What choice do we have?

If I were to ask any woman I know, they could tell me of at least one occasion (and probably many many more) when a man they respected, possibly considered a friend, made an improper proposal to them. It has happened to all of us. And men wonder why women have a hard time respecting them? My god guys.... yes, we understand that sex is important and a major drive.... but have you no discretion? If you must 'fuck for recreation' ..... please..... stop choosing your friends and the wives of your friends.

Happy New Year

As usual I spent New Year's Eve with some family and close girl-friends. It was, as always, a hoot!

One of us, who has never been married, was bemoaning the fact that she didn't have a special someone, AGAIN!

One of us, who is still recovering / celebrating the end of a marraige, was happily rating all the men in sight on a scale from one to ten.

One of us was valiently trying not to be too sad about the fact that her favourite guy is moving half way across the world.

And one of us laughed a lot and declared that her New Year's resolutions were to "take it up the ass more and have a threesome".

Then.... we all laughed... a lot!

It's good to have goals in life.