Who needs television anymore?

I used to watch a lot of television. Too much television. It's a habit I think I got in to in a bad way when my daughter was young and I was poor. Cheap entertainment for a sleep deprived brain!

Now I'm addicted to my laptop and the world of blogs and wikipedia! Seriously - I spend more 'entertainment' time in front of this machine than any other machine in my house. I'm not gonna even examine whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I will say that I think it's heaps more intellectually stimulating than television - at least I read AND watch AND even write sometimes!

Check out these winners from tonight's foray:

http://www.thebudgetgraph.com/view.html

http://boingboing.net/

And http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/

Of which I particularly liked: http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2006/09/rape_scenes.html

But less 'controversial' may be:
http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2006/09/susie_interview.html

But hey - we all gotta enjoy this:
No?

Rejection dilemma

There's a man kind of in my life (translate: I sleep with him sometimes) that I hope never calls again. Most of us have been there/here, right?

I hope he never calls again cause I truly don't know what I should say to him.

Should I tell the truth:

You are severly lacking some of the basic social skills. You smell bad. Your place is disgusting. Your imagination does not capture mine. You can't even come close to being emotionally open and you don't really do it for me sexually.

Seems overly mean doesn't it? Not to mention who knows what his reaction would be? Men can be unpredictable and easily wounded by the truth.

I can't help but wonder though, if someone had told him this 20 years ago - maybe he would be a happier person today. Or at least maybe he would be getting laid more often.

Or should I tell him:

"No, I really don't think we should get together again. It can't go anywhere. I'm just not that into you/it anymore. Thanks, but no thanks."

Both rejections are true. Which is really the kinder rejection?

Feedback wanted people!!!!

NOT about love, relationships or sex

Things are just beginning to warm up for the November municipal election here in TO. I ran into one of the candidates for my ward on Saturday - he is an old friend/acquaintance. He was on his way to the market where he says that police were towing cars, but ignoring the crack dealers.

Jane Pitfield is the only opposition mayoral candidate getting any real press so far. Today she announced that she would like to pass a law prohibiting panhandling on Toronto streets. "YEH" I said, to no one in particular since I was alone in the car at the time. The more really stupid things like that she proposes the better the chances are she won't get elected!

I'm going looking for some election related blogs and sites so I can start getting myself informed. Adam asked me to work on his campaign. Might be a better use of my energy than moaning about not finding the perfect love, huh?

So far I have found: http://www.spacing.ca/votes/ Pitfield has some wonderfully stupid things to say about providing home ownership to people currently living in public housing. You go girl!

Is hope a halucination?

A friend posted the following quote in a comment to one of my blog entries. Apparently it comes from Diane Schoemperlen's book of short stories "Forms of Devotion":

"Still I was not willing to concede that love is blind. Rather...I insisted that love makes you see things that aren't there. Things like honesty, integrity, wisdom, courage, the future, etcetera. Love is not blindness. Love is a halucination, the ultimate distortion of reality by which all those parallel lines you've believed in for so long become curves and all perpective is lost."

I agree and disagree with this sad, yet wonderful, description. Perhaps love is both blind and a halucination. In love, we do not see things that are there, and we do see things that aren't there. If the halucination has been powerful enough then when we awake from our distorted reality our heart is broken. However it is also possible that when the halucination lifts and our distorted reality morphs into a less distorted reality (reality is an arguable concept after all) that another love then has a chance to live. At least that is the current illusion that I am betting on: hope for a love with happiness and a shared reality.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tunes without the words
And never stops--at all.
(Emily Dickinson)

When there is a disconnect

S has been out of town about 90 percent of the last 6 weeks. I've found myself surfing the online dating sites again. It's weird. I am very conflicted about it. We haven't made any promises or commitments to one another. I'm fully confident that he would not change in his attitude or behaviour to me, should he know that I am flirting a little with other men. I quite enjoy the conversations, the flirting, the attention.

However, what I really want is to be doing all my flirting with him. I don't care that he is out of town - I care that when he is, he is almost completely unavailable to me. I think we have discussed this and I think we understand one another's position.

I tend to follow my instincts in these things. Which of course we all know has gotten me into trouble on at least one occasion. I think/hope I have learned when it is best to pull the plug on a relationship/friendship. No matter how strong the attraction, no matter how intense the desire, no matter how charming or enticing the object.... if it doesn't respect me and my thoughts - it is not to be kept.

S does not disrespect me. Nor does he disrespect himself. He challenges me to behave in my own best interest. He accepts that I feel the way I do and does not belittle me for it.
Although he does not feel capable of meeting my feelings with similiar feelings of his own, he offers me the feelings he does have for me.

If I am not deluding myself, then in some ways it may be the best relationship I've had so far in my life. At least in one sense of communication we are highly successful - we seem to have agreed to accept and respect that we are not always on the same page. What, I think, we try and focus on, is the things we do agree on.

Young Love

Last weekend I accompanied an old friend to a family wedding. It was everything you would imagine in a wedding. We arrived just in time on Friday evening to join about half of the wedding guests for a sunset cocktail cruise on a beautiful lake in upper New York State. We sipped on champagne and chatted with the friendly guests from all over Canada and the U.S. The young bride seemed relaxed and happy and excited. The cruise was followed by a deliciously slow and delectable 5 course dinner at a comfortable local dining room.

The following morning dawned sunny and warm and was a relaxing day of tourist activity in a charming town. While the afternoon provided scattered thunder storms, by the evening it was clear, if a tad chilly. We were shuttled from our accomodations to the young couple's home where they had constructed a large white tent to house the festivities. Torches lit the yard and large planters of seasonal flowers were scattered about the lawn. The bride and groom greeted guests and people milled about sipping on drinks and enjoying delicious appetizers. I won't bore you with details describing the beauty of the bride in her gorgeous dress, which pleasantly was not white but a unique ivory/beige and very complimentary.

When all the guests had arrived, we were asked to assemble on either side of an aisle lined with glowing torches. The ceremony was precided over by the groom's mother and was original and filled with personal stories of the couple and how their love for one another had grown and developed over the past couple of years. Much of it had been written by the couple and was very touching. The love, respect, support, and affection they held for one another was palpable. The shared hopes and dreams that they have for their joint future were apparent.

The ceremony was, of course, followed by a feast with plenty of laughter and dancing. A real celebration of love, life, passion, hope and optimism.

My greatest wish for these two is that life holds all the joy that this day of beginning was filled with. My worst fear for them, is that the curve balls that life can throw your way will wear them down and make everything they said that day seem pat, silly, youthful and ridiculously overly optimistic.

I wondered if I would ever be able to honestly feel that optimistic about a love again. I remembered the times that I have held those optimistic and pure feelings of love, respect, support and affection for my love. But I also remembered how my joy had been eroded and replaced by fear, sadness, defeat and lonliness.

I remembered that in each case I always had doubts - had the doubts killed my loves or were my doubts normal and acceptable? Have I made poor choices or am I immature in my expectations of love and a life partner/partnership?

And most poignant: will I ever be capable of feeling that optimistic about a love again?

I am envious of that young love... a love that does not yet know the pain of a love that dies.

On being GGG

GGG is a term coined by Dan Savage, a popular advice columnist, and means "good, giving and game". It generally refers to the ideal for healthy human sexuality: that a partner should be "good, giving and game" when presented with their partner's fantasy. Like Savage, I too believe that in a good relationship partners should strive to be GGG. Frankly - if you've matched yourself with someone for whom you can't be GGG - perhaps you might want to re-think your choice of partner.

While Dan uses GGG solely in regards to sexual requests, I'm sure that is mostly because he writes primarily about sexual relationships and would agree with my assertion that we should strive to be GGG in response to all of our partner's requests. What, I wonder, is the point of being in a relationship if you don't have a reasonable expectation that any request you could make would be treated with respect and a GGG attitude. The key here is, of course, is that you both agree to what is within the realm of a 'reasonable' request.

One evening, while in the company of girlfriends, the conversation turned to body hair removal. The overwhelming consensus was: "I AM NOT removing my pubic hair and any guy who asks me too can take a hike!" "It's unnatural and I don't want to be with any man who wants me to be unnatural". I was a tad surprised. I am reasonably sure that every woman in the room shaved their legs, probably shaved their arm pits; cut their hair, used deodorant and toothpaste and probably some makeup. Apparently these are all 'natural' practises, but removing their pubic hair isn't. Go figure.

The overwhelming trend in 'beauty' these days is hairlessness. A shaved pussy is all the rage apparently. I think these women were reacting to this trend. Since they have been shaving their legs and using toothpaste most of their lives, these practises have been accepted as normal and natural. Shaving our pubic hair has become more common during our adult lives and is therefore a little harder for some women to accept as OK, let alone normal and natural. OK - I get that part - the part that stuck in my craw was the strong reaction they expressed to shaving because a 'man' might ask them to.

I've noticed this reaction before from people. Sometimes it seems like people will go out of their way NOT to do something that their partners request. The attitude seems to be: "if he/she asks me to do 'x' then they aren't accepting me the way I am." What does that kind of attitude do to communication in a relationship? It's the standard power play. The one who withholds requests will have power. But for how much longer will they have a happy relationship?

I've had all kinds of requests from lovers and almost all have been pretty easy to do, really. How hard is it to shave anyway? or take off all my jewellery? or wear something particular? or not leave my clothes on the floor? or do the dishes when I've eaten? or or or.... Of course, I fully expect reciprocal GGG - as we all should.

My reaction if a man wants me to shave my pussy? "Sure hon, if you'll shave your balls." Can make for a fun evening of GGG!

Amory - M or P?

I met a young woman the other night who is looking for a new place to live. She wants her own place she says. She's tired of living with other people. She is currently living in a large open studio with 5 other people, all polyamorous. She implied they were polyamorous with one another.

Well, I thought, THAT beats every lifestyle choice I've ever tried!

I have had two periods of committed non-monogamy/polyamory and once I had two lovers who were friends with one another and were aware that they were both sleeping with me (although never in the same month interestingly). The men I involved myself with during these periods were, by and large, also not interested in relationships and also engaging in multiple partners. Some of them preferred not to know that I was seeing other people; some of them drove me crazy with requests for intimate details of the others.

While my friends have always respected my life style choices and supported me, I have often suspected that some of them 'worried' about my choices. There is a pervasive suspician of people who chose not to settle down into monogomous relationships. There must be something wrong with them. They must suffer from low self-esteem; otherwise they wouldn't be jumping in and out of a different bed every week.

Right now, I'm at a place where I would welcome a life love (in case you hadn't figured that out). However, I haven't always felt that way; may not always feel this way and certainly I'm sure there are plenty of people who never feel this way. Do I feel like I'm 'ready' and/or interested in a partnership because I am somehow 'healthier' than I was when I less interested? or just more lonely? or am I just a 'relationship' person at heart. Or perhaps I just don't have the energy to 'buck' the trend and continually tolerate the pity of others who think I'm doing myself more harm than good by multi-dating.

Is monogamy the last bastion of sex / gender liberation? If and when we completely get a handle on sexism and hetero-sexism, will monogamy be the next to go?

Of course, not all life-mates are monogamous and some polyamorous relationships are long lasting and rewarding (apparently - although I've never personally met one). While 'open' relationships apparently do exist, it would seem that infidelity is far more common. According to the Ashley Madison Agency, a highly successful internet dating company catering specifically to married people seeking extra-marital affairs, "the percentage of those who say they have had affairs ranges from 25% to 75% of all males and 15% to 60% of all women" . http://www.ashleymadison.com/app/public/articles/5.p Even more interesting is that according to the same article, the Kinsey report in 1953 found that "26 percent of wives and 50 percent of husbands said they had had a least one affair by the time they were 40 years old."

So - why are we still so intent on monogamy as the ideal?

I'm all for people being happy and fulfilled in their choices - whatever they may be. However, it's always harder to be happy and fulfilled in your choice when you know that others don't respect your choice. I've never really thought monogamy was all it's cracked up to be: I've just resolved that generally.... it's easier.

Jazz Guitarist Take 2

Jazz Guitarist Take 2

Chalk Pastel - Sept 06

Why "chick-lit"?

A few people have asked (and no doubt others have wondered): Why the focus in this blog on men, love, sex, relationships? They have suggested that they would be very (more?) interested in my comments on other topics.

I guess the best answer to that question is: Because I don't know the answer! I don't know why I obsess about men, love, sex and relationships. I don't know why my sexuality is so closely tied to my identity.

All my life I've received mixed messages. Feminism has told me I don't need a man to be happy. Life (and my hormones) have told me otherwise. The past 10 years of pop culture have served me well in terms of giving me minor heroines to identify with.

"Sex and the City" hit the tv screen in 1998 and gave me and many other women a source of laughter and wonderful (sometimes shame-faced) moments of "I've been there! I totally relate!". In 1999 Helen Fielding's "Bridget Jones Diary" hit the bookshelves and then the theatres, followed by a plethora of "chick-lit" that explored women's quest for the ideal relationship.

Obviously I am not the only intelligent, beautiful, single woman struggling to figure out why men, love, sex and relationships still occupy so much of my emotional energy.

One blogger noted that chick-lit (from Austen & Bronte to Fielding and on) is ..."about searching for love mostly as a by-product of searching for identity." http://jenniferweiner.blogspot.com/2004_05_09_jenniferweiner_archive.html

Ah Hah! No matter how hard I may try I can not separate my search for love from my search for identity. Not yet anyway. Should I feel ashamed of this? I'm sure some of my hard-core feminist friends will feel ashamed for me - so I'll let them carry that burden. Hey - what are friends for.

Sarah Blustain briefly explored the "Sex and the City" phonomenon in a "New Republic Online" article http://www.tnr.com/doc.mhtml?i=online&s=blustain022004 (note that this link may not take you to the full article - but if you do a google search for "sex and the city" feminism, it will come up with the full article under the same url - GO FIGURE!).

Among other critiques and questions, Blustain notes that the show and it's popularity makes it clear that "the feminist movement should start asking questions of itself. Among them: Why is it that women so empowered are finding love so hard to find? What does it mean that the most educated and successful women are, as a group, less fertile than ever? Is there any real option for the single besides settling down? And for the single woman who doesn't settle down, what supports does she need for later in life?... How hard is it for such powerful women to fit into a well-functioning couple? ... What happens to such a woman's career when children come into the picture? And more generally, what happens to her hard-earned and long-lived financial and emotional independence?"

So - if you still want to know why the focus on men, love, sex and relationship in my blog - here is my final definitive answer: Cause I want to! So there!

(I, of course, reserve the right to change my mind at any time and write about whatever shit I feel like writing about.)

For an entry to a more 'academic' discussion on chick-lit check out: http://www.electronicbookreview.com/thread/writingpostfeminism/exemplary

Note: the pic in this blog entry is NOT my work - it is courtesy of microsoft clipart