Monday, November 20, 2006

Parting.... is not that sweet.... but there is sorrow

My number one guy and I had a fight this weekend. We rarely have fights. It's one of the reasons he is my number one guy. But he is moving away. Far away. It was a job he couldn't turn down over a job that is burning him out. I understand the decision.

I want to spend as much time together as possible before he moves. He, in a way, has already left and does not feel compelled to spend more time together... but perhaps even less. Thus.... the fight.

I interpret this as "Well, if I was important to you then you would find it hard to leave me and want to spend as much time as possible with me while you still could. Ergo... I must not be very important to you". He just says he looks at it differently and thinks maybe it is better that we don't see too much of one another, since he is moving away and it is unlikely we will be able to continue having a relationship.

While I agree that large distance is a major hurdle to a relationship.... I am not ready to give up the possibility just yet. Apparently he is. I conclude (perhaps incorrectly) that he is using the move as an excuse to separate from me without taking personal responsibility for the relationship ending. He doesn't have to end the relationship... it will end itself because of distance.

Every guy I get involved with always seems so different from the others at first. This one is wonderful for so many reasons....but ultimately there is something common with all of them... they are unavailable. Their love is unavailable.

Which brings me to a most perplexing question.... do I chose unavailable men because when push comes to shove I am unavailable?

We have resolved the fight, but nothing changes. We will see each other a few more times before he leaves. I will cry a lot. He will move. Then it will be next year and we'll just have to see what happens then.

Where are those millionaires again? LOL

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