Thursday, June 26, 2008

Cocktails and Crap

Moving out of the country for awhile necessitates the divestment of a fair amount of belongings. Frankly, I have been feeling oppressed by my 'belongings' for quite awhile. I just seem to accumulate stuff. For a librarian, I'm actually pretty good at getting rid of stuff, but nevertheless after a few years it does pile up. All the gifts that people have given me that I don't really need (and in some cases don't really like); all the stuff I bought because I liked it at the time, but don't care so much for anymore... but heh... it's there, so what the hell. It piles up.

I had a garage sale last weekend and I managed to sell a reasonable amount of miscellaneous 'crap', and I have carted a fair amount off to Goodwill already. Today and tomorrow I am trying a slightly different method. I sent invitations out to about 50 friends inviting them to stop by after work for a cocktail, with the one condition that they must take something with them when they leave. Tonight seven friends came by; five of whom I haven't seen in at least a year, so it was great to see them and have a chance to chat. Each one took a bit of something from my living room / shopping room.

It's a win win situation - I get to visit with friends AND I get rid of some 'crap'.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's cocktail party.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Building creative thinking and self esteem through art

I'm leaving for Nicaragua in August with the intention to work with a community development organization there; specifically to help them with a new program they have which combines art and community development. They recently opened an art gallery, which they hope to turn into a successful business. However they also hope to use the space and the program to promote art and culture in the community. For example, they are currently running an after-school art program for local kids.

Tonight I attended a social get-together sponsored by a local NGO here in Toronto to introduce a representative from a Nicaraguan organization that works with children to support their development using art and education. "Children in rural Nicaragua , like all children, require creative outlets and opportunities to develop their creativity, express themselves and develop self-esteem." (see: http://www.pueblito.org/programs/nicaragua/index.html)

I am reminded of an observation that a friend of mine made about working with children in Guatemala:

"[When they tried to] have the kids draw a jungle animal for a jungle theme along the wall, the kids couldn't come up with ideas as to how to draw any....When we did little english classes the kids were only comfortable copying exactly what my friend would write down on our little chalk board- improvising and coming up with their own answers just didn't happen. When we did storytelling in the classrooms there (my friend M did the reading!) they were in chaotic, cinderblock classrooms completely devoid of art, colour, pictures that you see in classrooms here. The kids fought over the books we brought with us (endearing a sentiment if not a little violent at times when they would hit each other over the head with the books to get at them!) All the more reinforced the importance of arts and creativity in children's lives."

Perhaps our little gallery in San Juan will be able to make a difference in some children's lives.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Escape from 'Relationship Purgatory"

Why does it sometimes take too long to do what we know is best for us? Why do smokers keep smoking? alcoholics keep drinking? gamblers keep gambling? Why do people in dissatisfying relationships stay in them?

Somewhere I picked up this description of addiction:

The addictive system always presents itself in a panic situation. Beguiled by cynicism it makes promises that it can not deliver. It enslaves as it consumes what life still exists to the desperate victim. It does not matter how unreal, how ugly or how demanding the substitute is, it is better than no substitute to the overwhelmed and insecure self.

I probably spent too long in the relationship I called the purgatory relationship. See previous post: Relationship Purgatory. Dragging out the inevitable mostly just made the pain last longer... of course there were good days and good times (after all, it wasn't a BAD relationship - he was/is a great man - but it just wasn't going where I needed/wanted it to go)... but the difference between purgatory and hell is a razor's edge.

For one prone to the seduction of the addictive system, making the break from the things we love that aren't good for us seems one of the biggest challenges in life. I think the key is in learning to nurture our 'overwhelmed and insecure' selves, thereby building inner strength. With our 'selves' intact it becomes a bit easier to live without the addiction we have used to substitute for what we really need; or if we are really lucky we actually find we no longer need that substitute at all.

I miss that man... but I don't need that relationship. One addiction down... at least one to go.

Friday, June 20, 2008

New Look

I've gotten tired of all that 'green'! Plus... this blog is going to take a bit of a turn I think, as my life takes a bit of a turn... so it's time for a new look!

Maybe I should get a new hairstyle too!

LOL

Paper, paper and more paper

Leaving Canada for an indefinite period of time provides a wonderful opportunity to seriously weed out of my life all the unnecessary STUFF that one accumulates. I am not what one would normally call a pack-rat. For one thing, I have lived in this house for almost 7 years and that is the longest I have lived anywhere since leaving my childhood home at the age of 17. This somewhat nomadic life has necessarily meant that I have not accumulated an enormous amount of things. However, I am as guilty as the next person of collecting STUFF. I will not divest myself of everything... I will store some furniture and other necessities; as there is as good a chance that I will return to Canada within a year or two as not. At least for now, I can't commit to a total break with life here.

So, my days are filled with creating piles:

  1. sell or give away
  2. store
  3. recycle
  4. throw away
I have already filled about 5 large garbage bags with paper for the recycling bin! It is unbelievable the amount of paper that can pile up in one's life. As a friend of mine once remarked about life...."one thing THEY don't tell you about is the filing"... well... I have filed FAR too much is my life and now am embracing the infamous 'File 13'.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Geographic Depression?

I have been battling depression for most of my life.... it is a fact and one that I am no longer angry about. We all have our little burdens to bear and for whatever emotional, chemical or genetic reason I have been burdened and blessed with a fragile psyche. In the main I have learned strategies for coping with my affliction, and it has been quite a while since I have visited the really really dark place that depression can take you to. I still visit the grey places fairly often and expect I always will.

From January to May of this year I lived in a small beach town in Nicaragua (San Juan del Sur), surrounded by odd and interesting people and very blessed with a new and caring companion. This combination proved very good for my affliction and happiness came easy.

I am back in Toronto now and it is good to visit my friends and spend time with my daughter again. However, I find it much harder here and I am again visiting the grey places far more often. Today, I found myself wondering... is it possible that this PLACE makes me depressed?

I had always loved living in Toronto.... but I can't do it anymore. My airline ticket is purchased. I return to Nicaragua in August.

It might help if the f***ing sun would shine! LOL

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Shock Doctrine - A book review (of sorts)

An old friend here in Nicaragua is wondering how to approach Canadians for support for the alternative Sandinista party, the MRS (Movimiento Reconstruccion Sandinista). I advised that the first question that they would need to answer would be “Why should Canadians be interested...what about Nicaragua would galvanize or inspire people into taking any kind of action?”

Back in the 80s a variety of progressive sectors of Canadian (and other nations) society were attracted to the Sandinista revolution here because what the FSLN was trying to do at that time represented an alternative to the global status quo that we were already fearing then. Little Nicaragua, by overthrowing a U.S. supported brutal regime and throwing their collective energy into policies and programs that supported the people rather than the corporate elite was a tiny shining beacon in the darkness for many.

The early Sandinistas had good role models to follow. In the two decades before the triumph of the Sandinista revolution in 1979, a wave of leftist movements had swept through much of Latin America and dominated popular culture in much of South America. As Naomi Klein puts it “... it was the poetry of Pablo Neruda, the folk music of Victor Jara and Mercedes Sosa, the liberation theology of the Third World Priests, the emancipatory theater of Augusto Boal, the radical pedagogy of Paulo Freire, the revolutionary journalism of Eduardo Galeano and [Rodolfo] Walsh. It was legendary heroes and martyrs of past and recent history from José Gervasio Artigas to Simón Bolívar to Che Guevara.” (Klein, N. 2007. The shock doctrine: the rise of disaster capitalism” p.104) While ‘revolutions’ in Chile and Argentina had already been defeated in blood baths largely designed by the forces of global capitalism (ie the United States) by 1979, this did not deter the Sandinistas. It was this heroic attempt to provide Nicaraguans with a life of dignity and democracy (not to mention free education, free healthcare, their own land, and employment) that attracted so many people to form solidarity organizations and provide support to Nicaragua.

In the last couple of decades there has not seemed to be too many ‘shining beacons’ and much of the world was been thrown into ‘survival mode’ it seems. Klein’s book, ‘The shock doctrine: the rise of disaster capitalism’, which I have just finished reading, explains the reasons that so many of us have been pushed into ‘survival mode’. If it has felt like ‘survival mode’ for us in the ‘first world’ it has been 3000% times worst for the majority of people in the world.

Klein defines ‘the shock doctrine’ as the “use of public disorientation following massive collective shocks - wars, terrorist attacks, natural disasters - to push through highly unpopular economic shock therapy. Sometimes, when the first two shocks don’t succeed in wiping out all resistance, a third is employed: that of the electrode in the prison cell or of the Taser gun” (from the flyleaf). Klein’s research is so incredibly thorough (including over 50 pages of notes and references) it is almost daunting for we ‘normal’ writers and thinkers. Her book “explodes the myth that the global free market triumphed democratically. ... she traces the intellectual origins of disaster capitalism back to the University of Chicago’s economics department under Milton Friedman, whose influence is still felt around the world. ‘The Shock Doctrine’ draws new and surprising connections among economic policy, ‘shock and awe’ warfare and the covert CIA-funded experiments in electroshock and sensory deprivation that shaped the torture manuals used today in Guatánamo Bay.” (from the flyleaf) The same techniques that were first ‘reseached’ in McGill University labs in Montreal and then ‘perfected’ in places like Pinochet’s Chile; Samosa’s Nicaragua; and in the dirty wars of El Salvador, Guatemala and so many other places where people dared to ask for some control over their own lands and lives.

“As Klein shows how the deliberate use of the shock doctrine produced world-changing events, from Pinochet’s coup in Chile in 1973 to the Tiananmen Square Massacre in 1989 and the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, she tells a story radically different from the one we usually hear.” (from the flyleaf)

As you might imagine, reading Klein’s book was in itself sometimes an exercise in ‘shock’ and I often felt ill, frustrated, and really really angry while reading it. I needed to take frequent ‘mental health breaks’ from my reading and it took me over 2 weeks to get through the 450+ pages. Her writing is easy to read.... it is the content that is so so difficult to face - yet ultimately rewarding, exhilarating, and hopeful.

So - what does Nicaragua offer now that might interest Canadians? What does this tiny country have to teach us? What are they doing here that might give us that sense of hope again that change is possible? I’m afraid I don’t as yet have that answer. However, I do think that the MRS is more committed to the Sandinista agenda that once provided us that ‘beacon’ of hope, than the current government of the FSLN. This may be reason enough for Canadians to pay attention and support one of the poorest nations in this hemisphere, and the MRS as the leadership most likely to deliver.

I do believe that Latin America in general is, again, offering us a model. Klein’s last chapter is one of hope (thank god). Entitled “Shock wears off: the rise of people’s reconstruction’, the chapter details some examples of the backlash against global capitalism. Some of these examples are possibly just as scary as disaster capitalism. For example, the rise of religious fundamentalism is cited as one response.

However, in Latin America left and/or centre left governments are taking control again and “the task of the region’s new left...has become a matter of taking the detritus of globalization and putting it back to work” (p. 455) and Klein cites a number of examples, from the peasant farmer cooperatives in Brazil; the recovered companies movement in Argentina; and the more than 100,000 worker co-ops in Bolivia that manage much of the state infrastructure.

Even more remarkable is that they are now saying NO to such bastions of disaster capitalism as the IMF, the World Bank and the US government. As of the writing of the book, Brazil had refused “to enter into a new agreement with the IMF. Nicaragua is negotiating to quit the fund, Venezuela has withdrawn from both the IMF and the World Bank, and even Argentina, Washington’s former “model pupil,” has been part of the trend. In his 2007 State of the Union address, President Néstor Kirchner said that the country’s foreign creditors had told him, ‘You must have an agreement with the International Fund to be able to pay the debt.’ We say to them, ‘Sirs, we are sovereign. We want to pay the debt, but no way in hell are we going to make an agreement again with the IMF.” As a result, the IMF, supremely powerful in the eighties and nineties, is no longer a force on the continent. In 2005, Latin America made up 80 percent of the IMF’s total lending portfolio; in 2007, the content represented just 1 percent - a sea of change in only two years. “There is life after the IMF,” Kirchner declared, “and it’s a good life”.” (p. 457) The World Bank is being likewise rejected. “In April 2007, Ecuador’s president, Rafael Correa, revealed that he had suspended all loans from the banks and declared the institution’s representative in Ecuador persona non grata - an extraordinary step. Two years earlier, Correa explained, the World Bank had used a $100 million loan to defeat economic legislation that would have redistributed oil revenues to the country’s poor. ‘Ecuador is a sovereign country and we will not stand for extortion from this international bureaucracy,’ he said.” (p.457)

As Klein points out “it stands to reason that the revolt against neoliberalism would be in it’s most advanced stage in Latin America - as inhabitants of the first shock lab, Latin Americans have had the most time to recover their bearings.” (p. 458) It is for this reason, I think, that North Americans in particular will begin looking again to Latin America for guidance in how to organize our social movements to fight against the forces that attempt to convince us that social and economic justice is an impossible goal. Again, like in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s ‘idealist’ North Americans may begin to take their inspiration from this popular culture of Pablo Neruda, Victor Jara, Mercedes Sosa, liberation theology, Ernesto Cardinal, Augusto Sandino, Emiliano Zapato, Augusto Boal, Paulo Freire, Eduardo Galeano, Silvio Rodriquez, Rodolfo Walsh, Simón Bolívar, Che Guevara... and so so many of the dead to whom we owe it not to lose hope in a version/vision of the world that we can be proud of.

¡El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!
¡No Pasaran!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Damaged Trust

One of the things that my last marriage, my last husband, did was damage my already fragile trust in men. Worse than that though, is that it/he damaged my trust in myself; I question my ability to make good choices in men. And now, when I find myself getting close to a man; having feelings for him it appears that at times the slightest thing may throw me into a state of doubt. “Will he turn out to be as harmful as the last one?”

Walking with a boyfriend, I suddenly think I detect a sense of disgust or judgment in him, and immediately I flash to that personality that harmed me so. “Is he the same?” I ask myself. “Will he turn out to be as negative and harmful to me?” “Is everything good that I have seen in him so far, just a temporary state - just a show of seduction?”

My fear is great; but it is my fear and I must tread carefully not to confuse my fear with the reality of this person who so far has done me no harm and shown me only respect and caring.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Losing the capacity for conflict

I had been led to believe that all relationships are fraught with difficulty.... that it is always just a matter of degree and the primary thing to learn is how to ‘manage’ these conflicts or differences. While each of the primary intimate relationships I have had in my life brought me some joy or pleasure, all have also been war zones. It is no surprise, therefore, that all have ended - and usually unpleasantly.

While there were a few ‘loves’ prior to my twentieth birthday, my first major relationship began in my twentieth year. He was smart and funny and I was drawn to him for these reasons. Ultimately, and with the wisdom of retrospect, I recognize that we were doomed because we did not have shared values and I did not know myself well enough to understand that this was important or even to fully understand what my values were, necessarily. We fought. I was often frustrated and lonely. I left for a love that was born of need and passion.

I loved the next love passionately, and we enjoyed an amazing physical relationship and shared history and values. The passion did not stop in the bedroom.... and we fought just as passionately. I’m not sure what about exactly... except that I have come to understand that while brilliant, he is a person of great pain, and his pain has crippled him so badly that he has become incapable of maturing, of finding balance or lasting joy. His cynicism and pain, while often bitingly amusing is also capable of being directed with venom at those he loves.

When I left I had such a big hole in my heart that I lost 15 pounds in a month and couldn’t engage properly with another man for over three years. I played with non-monogamous relationships and made a concerted effort to build friendships with women; as well as beginning a very long journey of personal therapy that was to last off and on for the next 20 or more years. I began to look inward at who I was and what was important to me. I fell in love with causes, and found some sense of purpose.

After three years I began to feel the pull for the ‘partnership’ again; and in retrospect I think my biological clock had begun to tick a little louder. He was young, gentle, kind, and he loved me. I ignored some very important early signals and we lived happily and relatively peacefully for a few years. We had a beautiful child and we were in love with both each other and the child. But the ‘real world’ has a way of intruding on a gentle way of being... and we were incompatible in our ways of dealing with these demands. Stress was incompatible with our relationship and we fought... we fought often... we fought with bitterness and pain. I felt abandoned, lonely, and on my own. I left for a love that promised strength and protection.

I was duped. The strength and protection was a mirage. Perhaps a mirage born of my own need to see what I wanted or what my exhausted self needed to see. I fell in love, again, with the wounded child. Perhaps I was always falling in love with the wounded child.... the wounded child within? This time it almost killed me and left me doubtful of my ability to ever chose a love that would be rewarding. Fortunately, it also drove me deeper into therapy and left me with a greatly reduced capacity for conflict.

I am, apparently, a very very slow learner. All my life I have been a fighter... I have fought to be accepted, I have fought to be loved, I have fought to be heard, I have fought to have my needs met, and all it has gotten me is the emotional shit kicked out of me. It has slowly dawned on me that it is really quite possible to have happy rewarding relationships that do not include regular, painful conflict. Whoever, or whatever, led me to believe that fighting was an essential part of relationships set me up. While it might have been true that I needed to fight during one period of my personal development; I held on to this practise for far to long. I needed to learn what is worth fighting for, and how to do it in a non destructive manner.

I have finally learned that if the dynamics of a certain relationship seems to require that I feel the need to fight to be heard, or have my needs met then I am quite likely much better off without that relationship. I have learned, that I can, without much pain, walk away from these toxic relationships - whether temporarily or permanently. Energy spent fighting can so much more productively be placed in other relationships - ones that do not demand that I fight. Life is too short, as they say, and the world is full of people and possible relationships that I am missing by expending unnecessary negative energy on relationships, that while possibly full of love, are also full of pain and suffering.

My capacity for conflict has been, finally, beaten (by myself and others) out of me. At least that is my most fervent hope.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Commitment Anxiety

Steve Martin said it so well in the final lines of "Shop Girl":

"How could I miss a girl that I had kept at a distance, so that I wouldn't miss her when she was gone?"

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Invading another's space

I once visited the home of a lover. It was the first time I had actually spent an extended period of time in his space. It was shocking how difficult it appeared to be for him.

In all the years I had known him, I had never known him to be particularly irritable or defensive. However, I suddenly found myself in silly tiny conversational conflicts when I didn't agree one hundred percent with minor opinions he expressed. I found myself on more than one occasion backpedaling on my somewhat contradictory opinion, to assure him that I did not disagree with him.

One evening I mentioned that I was looking forward to visiting his region again soon, and he over-reacted something awful. Suddenly I was putting him in 'a difficult position'.

He put words in my mouth, suggesting that I had just told him I was planning on spending an entire season with him. I assured him I was doing no such thing, and certainly had no such intentions, not even of visiting again, not without an invitation. He moaned that he could not give me what I wanted or needed. This was a message that he routinely delivered to me. I assured him that I would not expect anything from him.

We went out one evening. I met many people, and even flirted with some of the men. Usually he did not mind this; and spent a fair amount of his time flirting / talking with other women. It was a game we had played before. Suddenly he disappeared. It turns out that he had left the party without a word to me. I was in an unknown city; somewhat under the influence of more than a few glasses of wine; and left alone. Well.... I am a grown up and I can manage.... but still.... I was a tad shocked. I would expect any friend to at least check and see if I had cab fare to get home before just up and leaving.

When I arrived back at his place a few hours later, I asked why he had done such a thing. He claimed I was too busy with other (men) for him to get to, to tell me he was leaving. I said that that seemed like a weak excuse, and that I didn't think it bothered him if I was talking (flirting) with other guys. He asked me why I would think he didn't care. Was he being jealous??!!??

By the time I returned home from that visit I was more confused than ever. He told me he didn't see any future for our relationship since we lived so far apart. Yet, he held me more than warmly upon saying goodbye, kissed me with what felt like feeling, and said he would call.

Was the relationship over? Had he managed to communicate his real feelings? What are his real feelings?

Do people ever become capable of expressing consistently and honestly what they feel?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Relationship Purgatory

Purgatory
  • a temporary condition of torment or suffering
  • temporary state or process of "cleansing" after death in preparation for Heaven

If only 'relationship purgatory' was temporary, and the reward of relationship 'heaven' was inevitable.

The particular relationship purgatory I have/had placed myself in was not always one of torment. But it certainly was a place neither here, nor there; neither heaven nor hell; and by necessity temporary. If one stays forever in a state without growth, one will eventually have to admit it is a hell they are in.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Decision Making

It suddenly dawns on me that 'they' (meaning that mysterious other gender) really DO make decisions based on that unique piece of anatomy they posess. It's just a plus for them if they also like, have something in common, enjoy the company of, etc. the object of their desire.

While obviously women too can be motivated by hormonal urges.... I think that if we suspect that our actions could be misleading to others, or hurt others, we will look elsewhere for that hormonal release... or go without. We seem to be more motivated by the promise of companionship.

No matter how nice and respectful a man may be, when it comes right down to it, he seems incapable of making the 'right' decision if the possiblity of 'getting some' is part of the equation.

Why do I keep forgetting this?

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A new and different journey

For approximately the last 5 years, my life has been marked by too much negative upheaval. A tragic decision to become deeply involved with an incredibly wounded man resulted in one headache and heartache after another. The good news of course is that I learned an incredible amount about myself and the decisions I make through this trying experience.

In any case, it is now in my past and I have decided to mark this occasion with a year of positive upheaval!

One of the things that I have always hoped to be able to do for (and with) my daughter, is to give her the opportunity to live outside of North America for a period of time prior to high school. A number of things have come together in my life, so that this year I am going to be able to make this dream a reality.

So - Alfhild's journey, while I doubt I will abandon completely, will be overshadowed by a new blog that will document this new physical journey.

To follow our adventures, check out http://travellingwithteen.blogspot.com/

Thursday, April 26, 2007

A Frustrated Romantic

I often consider why I find it difficult to do what so many of my friends do; or what is often recommended to women in my single situation: Why don't I just get on with my life and enjoy being single? Stop looking for or hoping for a relationship with a significant other.

My therapist says I am a frustrated romantic. And to his credit, he does not say this like it is a bad thing.

I say I am a 'best friend' kind of person. As much as I like my own company and am an independent person.... it remains that I honestly experience more joy sharing moments with someone than experiencing them alone.

I have dabbled a little again lately with dating.... thinking perhaps it would be healthier for me than 'putting all my eggs in one basket'. Especially a basket that seems to have a fairly weak bottom and has moved half way across the world. It's been relatively disastrous. The pickings are slim. Plus.... I have to admit.... I'm not sure my heart is really into it much.

What, I wonder were the strange combinations of influences and personality traits that made me a romantic?

I do, however, cling to the belief that one day it will all come together for me. I will have matured enough to chose a S/O with whom I can have the best friend love that I yearn for.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Distance and Connection

Once upon a time there were two people. They really enjoyed each other’s company. They spent 2 or 3 evenings a week together. They went out. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They made love. They talked and laughed. One day, one said to the other one: Why don’t we plan a weekend together and do something. Anything you want. Ok said the other one. Soon after that their get-togethers started to get more difficult to schedule, and slowly they saw less and less of one another.

When, after some weeks, the eventual confrontation occurred, where one professed love and hope for a future, the other admitted to struggling with feelings for a past love; with uncertainty in their ability to ever commit or engage again. Yet they seemed to leave that meeting with an agreement to continue to see one another, and for a few months they pretended that nothing had changed, until one day contact just ceased.

The abandoned person cried, and yelled into the lonely silence. After a number of months, when they thought they were over the worst of it… they sent a message. Very slowly over the next few months, contact was restored between them. They acknowledged a connection, a need, a desire, and a fear – each had a different fear…. but fear was there. One day the abandoned person said to the other…. I can’t do this anymore…. I want more…. I can’t be just your friend that you have sex with. So for a few months again, they tried not to have contact …. But now the distancer could not seem to maintain the distance.

Ultimately, neither one of them could maintain the distance, and again very slowly…. contact between them grew more frequent…. phone calls, emails, instant messaging… dates….contact became a regular part of their life. Strangely, the one who was ‘the distancer’ was the one who most often initiated contact. Months passed. There were moments of closeness, even moments of tension…. but they passed. Through it all, distance was maintained…. yet not. A pretence of closeness and an equal pretence of distance. Which was real? Which was not?

Which was more real?

One day, one said to the other one…. would you consider taking a vacation with me? Yes, said the other one. I would.

Very shortly after that, the other one said to the first one: I’m sorry…. I’m going to be moving far far away.

Months passed. They were hard months. But the last few weeks they had together they seemed to grow yet ever closer. On the day of the move, they went to the airport. As the one who was leaving was getting ready to leave they promised to come back in a few months so they could have that vacation together. Did they both shed a tear or two? Or did just one of them?

The distancer, who now lived thousands of miles away, still made contact on a very regular basis. There was no denying that they were connected…. and even distance did not change that connection. Yet still…. now there were two kinds of distance between them.

They talked regularly and they looked forward to the ‘vacation’. The vacation happened… and it was as if they had never been apart. They talked. They laughed. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They went out. They made love.

But again, there was a trip to the airport. There were tears shed. And the loneliness seemed to grow even bigger.

There is a connection, yet there is a distance. This is the reality.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Flirting at gyms

The only way I can get myself to go to the gym is to make an appointment with a personal trainer. Even then there are times when I find myself calling him to say.... "I just can't make it!" I'm essentially a lazy person. Anyway.... my trainer and I have such a good time... the hour flies by. This is the second trainer I have had... and they have both had such fantastic senses of humour that it's just a fun time.

My current trainer, K, is this cute 30 something gay guy constantly on the prowl for long term love / relationship, and settling for lots that come his way in the meantime. We have a lot in common. :) So - between bench presses, push ups, reverse crunches, and other forms of 21st century torture (have you ever seen those machines?) we compare notes on lovers and adventures of all kinds.

The gym we usually meet at is very low key and quiet. We are sometimes the only ones there. The other day, though, we met at the other branch of the gym. This one is more glass and steel, uptown, and comparatively very busy. Not really my scene. However, I did note that if I went to the gym to meet guys I would be better off going to the uptown branch. K agreed, "It can be a bit of a meat market" he said.

"Really?" I asked, feigning more interest than I actually have.

K laughed and joked that he could see me arriving in some hot lingerie rather than the standard tights and t-shirt.

I told him that at 47 years old, I didn't think I truly looked my flirting best at the gym. I favour darker places, that serve alchohol . I reckon I will have more luck if my subjects are a bit blurry-eyed.

Maybe it's time to invest in some of those lulu lemon clothes, and pull out the heavy duty makeup before going to the gym!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Economies of conflict

I'm watching Anderson Cooper on television. I'd never heard of Anderson Cooper until a few weeks ago. I was at the library, waiting for my daughter, and perusing the "New Books - Short term loan" section. Anderson Cooper's book (with the unfortunate title of "Dispatches from the edge" [i'm not kidding] ) captured my attention. I have no idea why... maybe cause I think he is good looking and his picture is on the cover. In any case, I read the book.

Now, although I usually abhore CNN, I occasionally tune in to his television show.

So - one of the stories is on the 'war on drugs" - Columbia, cocaine, etc. etc. It has taken a back seat lately to the war in Iraq / the 'war on terrorism'. Next, there is a story that puts forth Hugo Chavez as a very serious threat to U. S. security; followed by a story about the perils of poor security at airports. And I wonder.....

When was the last time the US wan't 'at war' with someone? or something? Why is our culture / economy based on conflict?

Friday, March 09, 2007

International Women's Day = K Free Day!

I am now officially a single woman again!!!!

Four years ago next month, I called the police very late one night because my then-husband (K) had attempted to kill me; and I was scared and didn't know what else to do. His perspective is that he wasn't trying to kill me.... but I felt that my life was at risk.

He promised to make the divorce as long and as expensive as possible. He did more than that - he also filed a civil claim for damages against me. He claimed that I assaulted him and then called the police and made a false claim and he suffered financially and emotionally and I should be made to pay. As part of the divorce settlement he has signed a document dropping that claim. It has been a long and expensive process - but as of yesterday (International Women's Day) I am officially divorced.

For anyone who might still question what went on that horrible night.... here is an excerpt from the claim he filed against me:

"Following the second assault on his person by [me] (assault described as a 'violent and painful slap to his face without warning'), the Plaintiff gently restrained his aggressor, placed her on the bed and advised her in a matter-of-fact manner that he could break her neck if he wanted to. [Me] began screaming loudly in an effort to embarrass the Plaintiff and draw attention to herself. Accordingly, the Plaintiff placed a pillow over her mouth to prevent her screaming as it was quite late at night."

Obviously, in his mind, this was completely acceptable behaviour. The fact that I could not breath was just a side effect I guess.

One of the darkest chapters of my life is now over. And spring is on the way. What could be better?

Have a great weekend!!!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Happy Birthday

Every year on my birthday, I make a point of gathering my closest friends together. It helps me feel loved. It is my annual, very necessary, ego pick-me-up.

I just watched scenes from the film, "Bridget Jones Diary". The scene that gets me (probably gets most of us) is when the Mark Darcy character, played by Colin Firth, tells Renee Zellwigger's Bridget that he likes her 'just the way she is'. Well... my god.... doesn't that make all of our female (and many of our male) hearts skip a beat!

And then, shortly afterward, Bridget is making dinner for her three closest friends. Mark shows up and tries to help her salvage what is one fantastic culinary disaster. At the dinner table, surrounded by blue soup, and inedible marmalade dessert... again Bridget is toasted and loved, "just as she is!"

My god.... can any of us ask for anything more than that?

I will continue to invite my closest and dearest to help me celebrate my birthday each year. I, like most of us I suspect, need to be told as often as possible that we are loved... just the way we are.