The monster raises it's ugly head (again)

Some mistakes seem never to be behind me, but keep raising their ugly heads like the science fiction monster that refuses to die.

I have been separated from my last 'mistake' for over 5 years now, and legally divorced for 15 months. This troubled union dissolved quite effectively on a late spring evening I would really rather forget, but am not allowed to. For long term readers of this blog (both of you) you will remember that it was an act of violence that ended the marriage and that some time later my estranged husband launched a claim for damages against me and the police in relation to that evening. Apparently he felt that both myself and the police had unnecessarily caused him pain for which we should be made to pay.

Strangely, and amusingly (in a very twisted way) his own claim against us included what he seemed to believe was a 'defense' of his behavior that evening, in which he stated:

• Following the second assault on his person by [me] {assault described as a 'violent and painful slap to his face without warning'}, the Plaintiff {that's him} gently restrained his aggressor {that's me}, placed her on the bed and advised her in a matter-of-fact manner that he could break her neck if he wanted to. [Me] began screaming loudly in an effort to embarrass the Plaintiff and draw attention to herself. Accordingly, the Plaintiff placed a pillow over her mouth to prevent her screaming as it was quite late at night.

The fact that placing a pillow over someone's face also impedes their breathing, seems to be something he was not aware of.

As part of the final divorce settlement he was convinced to sign a release, dropping me in this claim for damages, but apparently has proceeded with his claim against the police. How do I know this? Well.... unfortunately this month I received a letter from his lawyer.

According to his lawyer's letter they "understand that some time ago, [I] confirmed with [my mistake] that [I] would assist in his action against the police." The letter goes on to ask me to please contact them to arrange to visit with them to make a statement.

Just to be clear... I have absolutely no recollection of ever saying I would assist him... and if I did...... well, all I can say is, it must have been under duress.

Receiving this request for a meeting was startling to say the least... other emotions that I experienced (and continue to experience) include horror, amusement, and amazement. Mostly though, I am dismayed by having to re-visit an episode in my life that I had hoped was closed, packaged, and filed completely in my past.

Some have suggested that this man suffers from borderline personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder. I don't know. I don't much care. I do believe this:

Anyone who first threatens my life (both verbally and physically); then attempts to sue me for damages; and THEN asks for my assistance (thinking that there is actually something I could, even if I was willing to, say that could assist him)... is not living in the same reality as most of us.

Will this 'monster' of a mistake of mine, ever be laid to rest?

Escape from 'Relationship Purgatory"

Why does it sometimes take too long to do what we know is best for us? Why do smokers keep smoking? alcoholics keep drinking? gamblers keep gambling? Why do people in dissatisfying relationships stay in them?

Somewhere I picked up this description of addiction:

The addictive system always presents itself in a panic situation. Beguiled by cynicism it makes promises that it can not deliver. It enslaves as it consumes what life still exists to the desperate victim. It does not matter how unreal, how ugly or how demanding the substitute is, it is better than no substitute to the overwhelmed and insecure self.

I probably spent too long in the relationship I called the purgatory relationship. See previous post: Relationship Purgatory. Dragging out the inevitable mostly just made the pain last longer... of course there were good days and good times (after all, it wasn't a BAD relationship - he was/is a great man - but it just wasn't going where I needed/wanted it to go)... but the difference between purgatory and hell is a razor's edge.

For one prone to the seduction of the addictive system, making the break from the things we love that aren't good for us seems one of the biggest challenges in life. I think the key is in learning to nurture our 'overwhelmed and insecure' selves, thereby building inner strength. With our 'selves' intact it becomes a bit easier to live without the addiction we have used to substitute for what we really need; or if we are really lucky we actually find we no longer need that substitute at all.

I miss that man... but I don't need that relationship. One addiction down... at least one to go.

Damaged Trust

One of the things that my last marriage, my last husband, did was damage my already fragile trust in men. Worse than that though, is that it/he damaged my trust in myself; I question my ability to make good choices in men. And now, when I find myself getting close to a man; having feelings for him it appears that at times the slightest thing may throw me into a state of doubt. “Will he turn out to be as harmful as the last one?”

Walking with a boyfriend, I suddenly think I detect a sense of disgust or judgment in him, and immediately I flash to that personality that harmed me so. “Is he the same?” I ask myself. “Will he turn out to be as negative and harmful to me?” “Is everything good that I have seen in him so far, just a temporary state - just a show of seduction?”

My fear is great; but it is my fear and I must tread carefully not to confuse my fear with the reality of this person who so far has done me no harm and shown me only respect and caring.

Losing the capacity for conflict

I had been led to believe that all relationships are fraught with difficulty.... that it is always just a matter of degree and the primary thing to learn is how to ‘manage’ these conflicts or differences. While each of the primary intimate relationships I have had in my life brought me some joy or pleasure, all have also been war zones. It is no surprise, therefore, that all have ended - and usually unpleasantly.

While there were a few ‘loves’ prior to my twentieth birthday, my first major relationship began in my twentieth year. He was smart and funny and I was drawn to him for these reasons. Ultimately, and with the wisdom of retrospect, I recognize that we were doomed because we did not have shared values and I did not know myself well enough to understand that this was important or even to fully understand what my values were, necessarily. We fought. I was often frustrated and lonely. I left for a love that was born of need and passion.

I loved the next love passionately, and we enjoyed an amazing physical relationship and shared history and values. The passion did not stop in the bedroom.... and we fought just as passionately. I’m not sure what about exactly... except that I have come to understand that while brilliant, he is a person of great pain, and his pain has crippled him so badly that he has become incapable of maturing, of finding balance or lasting joy. His cynicism and pain, while often bitingly amusing is also capable of being directed with venom at those he loves.

When I left I had such a big hole in my heart that I lost 15 pounds in a month and couldn’t engage properly with another man for over three years. I played with non-monogamous relationships and made a concerted effort to build friendships with women; as well as beginning a very long journey of personal therapy that was to last off and on for the next 20 or more years. I began to look inward at who I was and what was important to me. I fell in love with causes, and found some sense of purpose.

After three years I began to feel the pull for the ‘partnership’ again; and in retrospect I think my biological clock had begun to tick a little louder. He was young, gentle, kind, and he loved me. I ignored some very important early signals and we lived happily and relatively peacefully for a few years. We had a beautiful child and we were in love with both each other and the child. But the ‘real world’ has a way of intruding on a gentle way of being... and we were incompatible in our ways of dealing with these demands. Stress was incompatible with our relationship and we fought... we fought often... we fought with bitterness and pain. I felt abandoned, lonely, and on my own. I left for a love that promised strength and protection.

I was duped. The strength and protection was a mirage. Perhaps a mirage born of my own need to see what I wanted or what my exhausted self needed to see. I fell in love, again, with the wounded child. Perhaps I was always falling in love with the wounded child.... the wounded child within? This time it almost killed me and left me doubtful of my ability to ever chose a love that would be rewarding. Fortunately, it also drove me deeper into therapy and left me with a greatly reduced capacity for conflict.

I am, apparently, a very very slow learner. All my life I have been a fighter... I have fought to be accepted, I have fought to be loved, I have fought to be heard, I have fought to have my needs met, and all it has gotten me is the emotional shit kicked out of me. It has slowly dawned on me that it is really quite possible to have happy rewarding relationships that do not include regular, painful conflict. Whoever, or whatever, led me to believe that fighting was an essential part of relationships set me up. While it might have been true that I needed to fight during one period of my personal development; I held on to this practise for far to long. I needed to learn what is worth fighting for, and how to do it in a non destructive manner.

I have finally learned that if the dynamics of a certain relationship seems to require that I feel the need to fight to be heard, or have my needs met then I am quite likely much better off without that relationship. I have learned, that I can, without much pain, walk away from these toxic relationships - whether temporarily or permanently. Energy spent fighting can so much more productively be placed in other relationships - ones that do not demand that I fight. Life is too short, as they say, and the world is full of people and possible relationships that I am missing by expending unnecessary negative energy on relationships, that while possibly full of love, are also full of pain and suffering.

My capacity for conflict has been, finally, beaten (by myself and others) out of me. At least that is my most fervent hope.

Commitment Anxiety

Steve Martin said it so well in the final lines of "Shop Girl":

"How could I miss a girl that I had kept at a distance, so that I wouldn't miss her when she was gone?"

Invading another's space

I once visited the home of a lover. It was the first time I had actually spent an extended period of time in his space. It was shocking how difficult it appeared to be for him.

In all the years I had known him, I had never known him to be particularly irritable or defensive. However, I suddenly found myself in silly tiny conversational conflicts when I didn't agree one hundred percent with minor opinions he expressed. I found myself on more than one occasion backpedaling on my somewhat contradictory opinion, to assure him that I did not disagree with him.

One evening I mentioned that I was looking forward to visiting his region again soon, and he over-reacted something awful. Suddenly I was putting him in 'a difficult position'.

He put words in my mouth, suggesting that I had just told him I was planning on spending an entire season with him. I assured him I was doing no such thing, and certainly had no such intentions, not even of visiting again, not without an invitation. He moaned that he could not give me what I wanted or needed. This was a message that he routinely delivered to me. I assured him that I would not expect anything from him.

We went out one evening. I met many people, and even flirted with some of the men. Usually he did not mind this; and spent a fair amount of his time flirting / talking with other women. It was a game we had played before. Suddenly he disappeared. It turns out that he had left the party without a word to me. I was in an unknown city; somewhat under the influence of more than a few glasses of wine; and left alone. Well.... I am a grown up and I can manage.... but still.... I was a tad shocked. I would expect any friend to at least check and see if I had cab fare to get home before just up and leaving.

When I arrived back at his place a few hours later, I asked why he had done such a thing. He claimed I was too busy with other (men) for him to get to, to tell me he was leaving. I said that that seemed like a weak excuse, and that I didn't think it bothered him if I was talking (flirting) with other guys. He asked me why I would think he didn't care. Was he being jealous??!!??

By the time I returned home from that visit I was more confused than ever. He told me he didn't see any future for our relationship since we lived so far apart. Yet, he held me more than warmly upon saying goodbye, kissed me with what felt like feeling, and said he would call.

Was the relationship over? Had he managed to communicate his real feelings? What are his real feelings?

Do people ever become capable of expressing consistently and honestly what they feel?

Relationship Purgatory

Purgatory

• a temporary condition of torment or suffering
• temporary state or process of "cleansing" after death in preparation for Heaven

If only 'relationship purgatory' was temporary, and the reward of relationship 'heaven' was inevitable.

The particular relationship purgatory I have/had placed myself in was not always one of torment. But it certainly was a place neither here, nor there; neither heaven nor hell; and by necessity temporary. If one stays forever in a state without growth, one will eventually have to admit it is a hell they are in.

Decision Making

It suddenly dawns on me that 'they' (meaning that mysterious other gender) really DO make decisions based on that unique piece of anatomy they posess. It's just a plus for them if they also like, have something in common, enjoy the company of, etc. the object of their desire.

While obviously women too can be motivated by hormonal urges.... I think that if we suspect that our actions could be misleading to others, or hurt others, we will look elsewhere for that hormonal release... or go without. We seem to be more motivated by the promise of companionship.

No matter how nice and respectful a man may be, when it comes right down to it, he seems incapable of making the 'right' decision if the possiblity of 'getting some' is part of the equation.

Why do I keep forgetting this?

A Frustrated Romantic

I often consider why I find it difficult to do what so many of my friends do; or what is often recommended to women in my single situation: Why don't I just get on with my life and enjoy being single? Stop looking for or hoping for a relationship with a significant other.

My therapist says I am a frustrated romantic. And to his credit, he does not say this like it is a bad thing.

I say I am a 'best friend' kind of person. As much as I like my own company and am an independent person.... it remains that I honestly experience more joy sharing moments with someone than experiencing them alone.

I have dabbled a little again lately with dating.... thinking perhaps it would be healthier for me than 'putting all my eggs in one basket'. Especially a basket that seems to have a fairly weak bottom and has moved half way across the world. It's been relatively disastrous. The pickings are slim. Plus.... I have to admit.... I'm not sure my heart is really into it much.

What, I wonder were the strange combinations of influences and personality traits that made me a romantic?

I do, however, cling to the belief that one day it will all come together for me. I will have matured enough to chose a S/O with whom I can have the best friend love that I yearn for.

Distance and Connection

Once upon a time there were two people. They really enjoyed each other’s company. They spent 2 or 3 evenings a week together. They went out. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They made love. They talked and laughed. One day, one said to the other one: Why don’t we plan a weekend together and do something. Anything you want. Ok said the other one. Soon after that their get-togethers started to get more difficult to schedule, and slowly they saw less and less of one another.

When, after some weeks, the eventual confrontation occurred, where one professed love and hope for a future, the other admitted to struggling with feelings for a past love; with uncertainty in their ability to ever commit or engage again. Yet they seemed to leave that meeting with an agreement to continue to see one another, and for a few months they pretended that nothing had changed, until one day contact just ceased.

The abandoned person cried, and yelled into the lonely silence. After a number of months, when they thought they were over the worst of it… they sent a message. Very slowly over the next few months, contact was restored between them. They acknowledged a connection, a need, a desire, and a fear – each had a different fear…. but fear was there. One day the abandoned person said to the other…. I can’t do this anymore…. I want more…. I can’t be just your friend that you have sex with. So for a few months again, they tried not to have contact …. But now the distancer could not seem to maintain the distance.

Ultimately, neither one of them could maintain the distance, and again very slowly…. contact between them grew more frequent…. phone calls, emails, instant messaging… dates….contact became a regular part of their life. Strangely, the one who was ‘the distancer’ was the one who most often initiated contact. Months passed. There were moments of closeness, even moments of tension…. but they passed. Through it all, distance was maintained…. yet not. A pretence of closeness and an equal pretence of distance. Which was real? Which was not?

Which was more real?

One day, one said to the other one…. would you consider taking a vacation with me? Yes, said the other one. I would.

Very shortly after that, the other one said to the first one: I’m sorry…. I’m going to be moving far far away.

Months passed. They were hard months. But the last few weeks they had together they seemed to grow yet ever closer. On the day of the move, they went to the airport. As the one who was leaving was getting ready to leave they promised to come back in a few months so they could have that vacation together. Did they both shed a tear or two? Or did just one of them?

The distancer, who now lived thousands of miles away, still made contact on a very regular basis. There was no denying that they were connected…. and even distance did not change that connection. Yet still…. now there were two kinds of distance between them.

They talked regularly and they looked forward to the ‘vacation’. The vacation happened… and it was as if they had never been apart. They talked. They laughed. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They went out. They made love.

But again, there was a trip to the airport. There were tears shed. And the loneliness seemed to grow even bigger.

There is a connection, yet there is a distance. This is the reality.

International Women's Day = K Free Day!

I am now officially a single woman again!!!!

Four years ago next month, I called the police very late one night because my then-husband (K) had attempted to kill me; and I was scared and didn't know what else to do. His perspective is that he wasn't trying to kill me.... but I felt that my life was at risk.

He promised to make the divorce as long and as expensive as possible. He did more than that - he also filed a civil claim for damages against me. He claimed that I assaulted him and then called the police and made a false claim and he suffered financially and emotionally and I should be made to pay. As part of the divorce settlement he has signed a document dropping that claim. It has been a long and expensive process - but as of yesterday (International Women's Day) I am officially divorced.

For anyone who might still question what went on that horrible night.... here is an excerpt from the claim he filed against me:

"Following the second assault on his person by [me] (assault described as a 'violent and painful slap to his face without warning'), the Plaintiff gently restrained his aggressor, placed her on the bed and advised her in a matter-of-fact manner that he could break her neck if he wanted to. [Me] began screaming loudly in an effort to embarrass the Plaintiff and draw attention to herself. Accordingly, the Plaintiff placed a pillow over her mouth to prevent her screaming as it was quite late at night."

Obviously, in his mind, this was completely acceptable behaviour. The fact that I could not breath was just a side effect I guess.

One of the darkest chapters of my life is now over. And spring is on the way. What could be better?

Have a great weekend!!!

People are in pain

People are hurting.

Everywhere I look, people are hurting.

And they try so desperately to soothe their own pain. They feel worthless and powerless and they will do anything to make that feeling go away. Too often, we believe that if we can impress others, we will prove our own worth - to them and to ourselves. People will lie, steal, cheat, and otherwise hurt others in atttempts to impress others.

We believe that if we impress others, we prove our worth. We will soothe the pain inside.

There is a certain kind of agressiveness that happens everyday in this attempt to soothe the pain. I was watching a scene from the sacharine film "Pay it Forward" the other day. An incarcerated street punk claims that he is the one who invented the whole idea. He wants the reporter to believe that he is this smart; this giving; this thoughtful; this worthy. He wants to believe it himself.

The partner or boss who belittles and abuses others - he wants them to believe he has power - he wants to believe he has power. He wants to soothe the powerlessness within.

It seems more common in men.

It breaks my heart.

Classic V-day Bitterness

On my ideal Valentines day one or more of the following would happen:

1.) a huge and beautiful bouquet of flowers will be delivered to my door, sent by the object of my desire.... roses, would be ok.... lilies would be better.... calla lillies and red roses together might prove unbelievable and irresistable.

2.) the object of my desire, whom I have been unable to see for awhile, would show up unexpectedly at my door.... fortunately I would have for some unknown reason just finished grooming and dressing as if I had a hot date, and look so good his heart would melt on the spot.

3.) diamonds are good too.

Do you think I may have been just a 'little' influenced by marketing campaigns?

Guess what? None of the above happened today. For that matter none of the above has ever happened to me. I did get a happy V day email though.

I'm going to celebrate "disapointment in love" tonight with a girlfriend by burning all existing pictures of the last horrible excuse for a husband I had. Or at least pretend and drink a lot of wine!

stickgirl comic courtesy of: http://stickgal.blogspot.com/

Male Sleaziness

Sorry guys.... this is going to be a bit of a male-bashing post. It's not that I dislike you guys in general.... it's just that too often individual men just make such a bad showing of it, that it gets us all down.

I watched the film, "The Constant Gardiner" last night. I really enjoyed it. A typical LaCarre thrilling ride, a lovely love story and heart-rending political message. I recommend it highly.

There is a scene in the film when our heroine, who has been let down by a man that she trusted and has declared love for her, asks him for a favour. Granted, it is a big favour that could put the gentleman at question at risk. He does not want to give it to her. She (for better or worse), offers that if he does this favour, she will sleep with him. It should be noted that she is married to one of his closest friends and colleagues, does not love him, and probably will not follow through on this deal. He too, is of course, married. What does this sleaze-ball do? He accepts her proposition.

Is there nothing a man will not do to fuck a woman he is infatuated with? Does he never put friendship, loyalty, or respect above the desires of his cock? It never ceases to amaze me.

Not too long ago, a woman close to me told me the following story: She (let's call her Mary)and her husband of more than a decade had recently divorced, and she was celebrating by visiting friends in another city. She spent one night at the home of very good friends. Let's call the couple Jenn and Ian. Jenn and Ian had been friends with Mary and her ex-husband for many many years. Mary considered Ian to be a very good friend of hers. After a lovely evening together, Mary slept well in their guest bedroom. She awoke long after Jenn had left for work the following morning. She got up and made herself some coffee, and Ian (who had a very flexible schedule) joined her for coffee in the living room. A fine and comfortable morning routine shared by two old friends. What could be more assuring?

Ian interrupts this lovely scene to point blank tell Mary: "I'm really attracted to you and would love to eat your pussy!"

I am NOT making this up. This is what this man says to his old, old friend. Can you imagine anything more sleazy? Mary was shocked, I was shocked, and no doubt if Jenn knew of the behaviour of her well-loved husband she too, would be shocked. Note too: this was MORNING.... they had not been drinking... he had no excuse for his abominable behaviour. AND he had previously never truly shown his sleazy side.

Ian is a regular guy in his forties. He holds a good job. He has been married long enough to have grown children. He appears to be well informed and normally well behaved.... but he would throw away his friendship, the respect that Mary had for him, possibly his marriage.... to make this bizarre and sleazy pass at a woman that he considered a friend. What the hell is going on inside the minds of men?

When I was a teenager I had a very good male friend. He dated one of my best friends. One night I was driving him home and he asked if we could stop and talk. So I stopped the vehicle in a quiet spot.... we often confided in each other.... Well.... turns out on this particular night what my good friend wanted more than anything was to coerce me into some sexual acts. I was hurt, and shocked and said no. He responded by taking the keys of my vehicle and refusing to give them to me unless I agreed. It was getting late and I was worried I would be late getting home. He begged. I refused. He took the keys and started to walk away from the vehicle.... leaving me abandoned. To tell you the truth, I don't remember how that evening resolved..... I know I didn't have sex with him.... but it may be that I let him do something I would rather not have done - some sort of minor touching.

You would think that the friendship would have been irrevicably harmed, wouldn't you? Surprising, even to myself, is that it did not take much or long for me to forgive him. It turns out that from a very young age.... girls learn that boys/men 'will' behave badly.... that is just the way it. So, we learn to either forgive, or hate. What choice do we have?

If I were to ask any woman I know, they could tell me of at least one occasion (and probably many many more) when a man they respected, possibly considered a friend, made an improper proposal to them. It has happened to all of us. And men wonder why women have a hard time respecting them? My god guys.... yes, we understand that sex is important and a major drive.... but have you no discretion? If you must 'fuck for recreation' ..... please..... stop choosing your friends and the wives of your friends.

Young ones

I met the cutest young one tonight.

Generally I'm not too interested in young ones. But this one is an articulate genius reader/writer. Seriously.... wow.... what a soft spot for me. The artists. The cute young artists.... hmmmm.

I met him at a local pub. Just out walking the dog and stopped in for a pint. We yacked about social networking; computers - are they good or bad; gaming; the beat writers; Henry Miller and Anais Nin; crazy behviours of pre-teen girls; his parents marraige; my professional environment. All in less than an hour!

He manages a great local bookstore/music store - mostly used stuff - but not exclusively. The store has a great reputation and has been a staple in the neighborhood for a long time.

[long time = more than 10 years. I think there was a time and a place where neighborhood 'institutions' were much older than 10 years. What does that say?]

I think I may drop in the bookstore a bit more often. I don't want an affair with this young one.... but there is always room in my life for an articulate genius reader/writer.

Parting.... is not that sweet.... but there is sorrow

My number one guy and I had a fight this weekend. We rarely have fights. It's one of the reasons he is my number one guy. But he is moving away. Far away. It was a job he couldn't turn down over a job that is burning him out. I understand the decision.

I want to spend as much time together as possible before he moves. He, in a way, has already left and does not feel compelled to spend more time together... but perhaps even less. Thus.... the fight.

I interpret this as "Well, if I was important to you then you would find it hard to leave me and want to spend as much time as possible with me while you still could. Ergo... I must not be very important to you". He just says he looks at it differently and thinks maybe it is better that we don't see too much of one another, since he is moving away and it is unlikely we will be able to continue having a relationship.

While I agree that large distance is a major hurdle to a relationship.... I am not ready to give up the possibility just yet. Apparently he is. I conclude (perhaps incorrectly) that he is using the move as an excuse to separate from me without taking personal responsibility for the relationship ending. He doesn't have to end the relationship... it will end itself because of distance.

Every guy I get involved with always seems so different from the others at first. This one is wonderful for so many reasons....but ultimately there is something common with all of them... they are unavailable. Their love is unavailable.

Which brings me to a most perplexing question.... do I chose unavailable men because when push comes to shove I am unavailable?

We have resolved the fight, but nothing changes. We will see each other a few more times before he leaves. I will cry a lot. He will move. Then it will be next year and we'll just have to see what happens then.

Where are those millionaires again? LOL

a girl's catch 22

Even at my mature age, I find there are times when I become insecure about a man's interest in me: are they 'just' interested in sex? or do they appreciate alll my other wonderful qualities? Men don't seem to worry too much about such silly insecurities. It's a girl thing.... a catch 22 .... we are supposed to be good at sex to attract and keep men.... but we are also supposed to be modest about it and 'pretend' not to be.... and if we are desired only for sex... then we are being used and disrespected.....

Why does society like to fuck up something as good as fucking?

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I celebrated my 47th birthday last Friday with a wonderful dinner with 15 of my closest friends, followed by a foray to a local nightclub. The next day I saw some girlfriends and someone asked me if I had gotten 'laid' on my birthday. I said "Yes. Of course. It was my birthday!" :-)

One of my friends looked surprised ,as she had been at the dinner, and asked: "Who? Who?" I smiled and said - "don't you think it's enough that you know I got laid.... I think I'll keep the 'who' to myself." Of course, it's also possible I was making the whole thing up, isn't it. ;-)

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When men attempt bold gestures, generally it's considered romantic. When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psychotic. (Carrie from 'Sex and the City')

To take advantage of

advantage

· superiority or ascendancy (often fol. by over or of): His height gave him an advantage over his opponent

take advantage of

· Put to good use; avail oneself of; also, profit selfishly by, exploit. For example, They really take advantage of her good nature, getting her to do all the disagreeable chores. [Late 1300s]

· to impose upon, esp. unfairly, as by exploiting a weakness: to take advantage of someone.

· To profit selfishly by; exploit: took advantage of the customer

The Dream

As I left the cafeteria I offered him a ride: “I’m going west, I can drop you off at a subway if you like.” He accepted the ride. (It should perhaps be noted that ‘he’ was a popular television character known for womanizing.)

He asked if we could stop briefly so he could pick up something to eat, to which I complied even though I was afraid I would be late for my mother’s birthday dinner.

He went in to the restaurant to place his order and began to flirt with the women in the restaurant. The next thing I know, I am left with his food and his bill, while he disappears into the mountains with 2 (or more) women. While I wait, people begin thinking that my car is a bus and they get on it and wonder why I’m not leaving.

“This is not a bus!” I say. They do not want to believe me and seem to think that if they simply stay in their seats I will take them where they want to go.

“This is not a bus!” I scream. With great hautiness they disembark. I hear murmurs of “you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Finally he comes out of the mountains and gets in the car. There are now 6 of us in the car, and it appears that he is driving. I don’t know where we are, or where we are going. I am worried again about being late for my mother’s birthday dinner. One of the women in the car is giving directions to him.

“I’m not driving” he says to her. “She is.” Indicating me.

At which point I realize that indeed I AM driving and somehow it has been assumed that I am taking each one of them to their own homes.
“Wait!” I say…. “I can’t take you all home. That wasn’t the deal. I said I could drop you at a subway. I’m going to be late for my mother’s dinner.”

They are all greatly disappointed and begin to argue with me. I am getting quite angry and am aware that because of that I am not paying appropriate attention to my driving.

“NO!” I am yelling at them – “I can’t do this. I didn’t say I would.”

Suddenly there is a group of children in the road. I swerve to miss them but unfortunately I hear the sickening crunch of the car striking one of the children.

I immediately break. My passengers yell, “Don’t stop. We need to get home. Don’t stop.”

I stop the car and get out and run to see. After I have struck the little girl, another car has hit her and she is now stuck under that car. She is dressed in a pink snowsuit and she is screaming and in great pain. Someone is holding her and yelling “Call 911” and someone else is trying to lift the car off of her.

I chastise myself for not already calling 911, and for leaving my phone in the car. The little girl screams again. There is blood. I hear my voice in agony say “Oh my god!” which awakens me.

I am shaken by this dream and lay awake wondering at it’s meaning.

The overwhelming message that comes to me is:

“It always ends badly when you let others take advantage of you.”

Perfume

Advertising is a constant source of entertainment and bewilderment. I'm one of those people who reads without thinking. I read every billboard; every elevator posting; ever traffic sign I pass. (well ... maybe not EVERY - but you get my meaning). I read the weirdest headlines sometimes. For example, take this one:

What does your perfume say about you?

Perfume only says one thing about you: you want to attract others to you and/or leave others with a positive impression of yourself.

Of course I suppose if you chose a bad one it could also say you have bad taste - but that (like anything else the aroma may say to others is in thier eye (or nose in this case) and says nothing about the wearer and more about the smeller.


We wear perfume, should we wear it, to attract others to us or to help leave others with a positive impression of ourselves.

Rejection dilemma

There's a man kind of in my life (translate: I sleep with him sometimes) that I hope never calls again. Most of us have been there/here, right?

I hope he never calls again cause I truly don't know what I should say to him.

Should I tell the truth:

You are severly lacking some of the basic social skills. You smell bad. Your place is disgusting. Your imagination does not capture mine. You can't even come close to being emotionally open and you don't really do it for me sexually.

Seems overly mean doesn't it? Not to mention who knows what his reaction would be? Men can be unpredictable and easily wounded by the truth.

I can't help but wonder though, if someone had told him this 20 years ago - maybe he would be a happier person today. Or at least maybe he would be getting laid more often.

Or should I tell him:

"No, I really don't think we should get together again. It can't go anywhere. I'm just not that into you/it anymore. Thanks, but no thanks."

Both rejections are true. Which is really the kinder rejection?

Feedback wanted people!!!!