Alfhild's Journey

To remember

2009-11-09T14:16:00.003-05:00

Remembrance day is this week and I guess it's working, because I have been thinking a lot about remembering and remembrance this week. In particular, I have been thinking a lot about what we are remembering.

We could remember:

that when Germany wanted more power and land in Europe, people from some of the wealthiest and most powerful nations in the world rose up to stop them, and many of them died.
that when England (and other nations) wanted more power and land in Ireland, Africa, Asia, and elsewhere, no one rose up to stop them, and many people died.
that when Hitler set out on a genocidal rampage, people were horrified and worked to stop him; some even went to war, and many died.
that when genocide happened in Ruanda, Bosnia and Herzigovina, East Timor and the Sudan (to name only a very few) western wealthy nations did not send people to fight to stop it, and did not send massive aid to help what was left of the countries to rebuild, and many people died.
that the European infiltration of all of the Americas resulted in the genocide of indigenous people, and many of them died and continue to die.

Here is another story that you might like to remember this particular week:

On November 15, 1917, the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson's White House for the right to vote.

By the end of the "Night of Terror", they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs, and with their warden's blessing, went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of "obstructing sidewalk traffic."

They beat Lucy Burn, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air. They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food -- all of it colorless slop -- was infested with worms. When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

You might also like to remember that this year is the 80th anniversary of "The Person's Case" in Canada... that prior to October 18, 1929 women in Canada were not recognized as "persons".

What are you remembering this Remembrance Day?

Thanks to my mother for sending me some of this information and to a US based journalist named Connie Schultz for writing the details on the "Night of Terror" and to my friend Ruth, whose comments were the catalyst for this post.

Life Update - The latest curve in the road 'less traveled'

2009-10-25T12:22:00.003-04:00

Back in Toronto again.

Loved living the ex-pat life in Nicaragua... but reality (and responsibility) beckoned and I've returned to Toronto. I missed being a daily fixture in my daughter's life and I started to worry about my ever diminishing bank account and poverty in my ever looming retirement years.

Being back in Canada is not so bad. Even the weather is not really bugging me (yet). Still not increasing the bank balance, but am really loving seeing my daughter on a regular basis.

Have been spending a lot of time getting 'caught up' professionally and am finding I am still interested in the world of librarianship... or perhaps I should say interested again. Taking two years off to wander around (both physically and intellectually) was refreshing and if it were possible I would probably keep doing it. Since it's not possible... I am happy to take advantage of feeling 'refreshed' and am busy exploring my favourite professional topics: information literacy; critical librarianship; services to the under-served; technological innovations.

Mi Camara, Mi Mundo

2009-09-25T15:58:00.005-04:00

Photos by Nicaraguan Children "Mi Camara, Mi Mundo"
Empowerment International
Most of the photos in this video were taken by children in Nicaragua. They are participants in Empowerment International's programs. EI works with children and their families to assist them to stay in school. Some of the pictures, particularly those OF the photographers were taken by their teacher.

Short Scenes from My Nicaragua

2009-05-13T13:02:00.001-04:00

Buena Vida Open House

2009-05-07T12:58:00.003-04:00

After one month in operation following a 'soft' opening on April 1, Buena Vida Fitness Centre held their Grand Opening Open House last Sunday. It was a really nice day, with lots of friends and neighbors stopping by, and quite a few new people coming in to check out our facility. Our friends, Dan and Cesar, documented the day and you can view lots of pics on their site at: http://www.pbase.com/danpolley/buwnvis

A flurry of marketing

2009-04-13T14:57:00.006-04:00

I seem to be churning out ads, flyers, posters, and postcards like a dairy does butter lately. Just some samples:

Buena Vida Fitness Centre

2009-04-06T17:29:00.005-04:00

The season of blossoms

2009-04-06T15:40:00.003-04:00

The 'dry' season in Nicaragua (otherwise known as summer by Nicaraguans) runs between January and May and gets increasingly hot and dry as the weeks go on. The winds of January and February have more than one practical purpose. They serve to contribute a somewhat cooling influence, but they also assist in the distribution of seedlings.

We have many trees that flower brilliantly in this otherwise grey time. While most of the trees are leafless, a startling number bloom beautiful colours of pink, orange, red, and yellow. For a few weeks, my small back patio was carpeted in these lovely pink blossoms. Last week our parking lot was covered in bright yellow flowers. Unfortunately that only lasted for 1 day, so I missed taking a photo of it.

San Juan Sunsets

2009-03-25T13:07:00.004-04:00

Yes, I have found time to do a little painting. I'm obsessed with sunsets lately. If you visited here... you'd find out why. I don't think they show up too well as photos... but they are hanging on my living room walls, so I guess I don't hate them too much. :-)

More Local Wildlife

2009-03-25T12:51:00.004-04:00

I thought having this preying mantis land on the table one evening was pretty cool. But then my daughter (who was here visiting recently) asked me it I thought it was a stick that had blown against her window screen, or one of those stick bugs. I went outside and took a really close look at it and declared it a stick. So I plucked it from the screen. Boy, was I wrong! And impressed. Fortunately both of these insects are harmless, unlike the scorpians and tarantulas we occasionally find! (They are basically harmless as well... but a bite from either would smart a tad!)

Back in the saddle again

2009-03-25T12:27:00.003-04:00

Time does seem to fly doesn't it. Here it is almost April and my last post discussed Christmas season festivities!!!

The first quarter of 2009 has been, to some extent, a tiny bit tumultuous. As the year came to a close and I still had not found a source of income, decisions had to be made on what to do with my life. Strangely, this forced me to come face to face with my own personal commitment issues. Funny, how you can wander along in life not really thinking that you 'have' a particular issue until one day BAM - it is clear as day to you that you do.

Should I stay in this country? in this relationship? What about work? Should I do one thing or another? If I went back to Canada, should I live in this city? or that city? I found myself unwilling to make any of those decisions, as they would all mean that I was making a commitment... closing a door on the other options (to some extent). And it dawned on me that I had rarely made a full blown commitment to anything... that I am a person that likes to keep my options open.

When I've had a job, regardless of how much I've enjoyed it... I've always monitored the job ads... kept my eye open for something else, something better. When I've had a house, I've always looked at the real estate section... keeping my eye open for something better, something else. I'm not saying this is completely a bad thing... one won't find opportunity if one doesn't look for it. On the other hand....

Anyway.... after a few agonizing weeks (and one long distance therapy session) I made a decision... then spent a few more weeks struggling with that decision... but here I am. I am a full-blown partner in a business down here. I am an entrepreneur! Scary as hell.... but that's the decision I made.

Buena Vida Fitness Centre is scheduled to open on April 1, 2009.

The Christmas Season OR How my dog became a nervous wreck.

2008-12-08T13:06:00.005-05:00

We were all awake at 5:30 this morning. Two very loud 'bombas' went off in what sounded like the next room. Bombas are fireworks... but usually do not have any visual display just a really big noise. They are routinely set off by families for pretty much any celebration... and firecrackers are every child's favourite toy it would seem. I would like to say that we are growing used to them... but frankly the loud ones still rattle my nerves a bit and cause the dog to shake violently and run to me like a baby to it's mother.

This time of year is particularly celebratory, as you might imagine, and they have Christian festivities leading up to the big day on the 25th almost every day it seems. They have some I've never heard of, and are very particular to Nicaragua... such as "La Purisima" which has been celebrated here for the last 8 or 9 days and reached its epoch yesterday. From an outsiders point of view, this celebration seems to consist of going to church a lot; parading a statue of the Virgin Mary through the streets pretty much constantly; and setting off 'bombas'.

Last night, as we came home from a brief visit out to Mango Rosa we found about 500 people blocking our driveway as they slowly wound their way through the streets following a statue of the 'Virgin' in a half ton truck and accompanied by one of the worst marching bands I think I have ever heard. We reversed direction and went over to El Pozo for a glass of wine!

Here is a thorough description of La Purisima and today's big celebration: "La Griteria".... which will have the entire town shouting at 6pm this evening apparently.

This description is lifted from the ViaNica website at: http://www.vianica.com/go/specials/8-december-celebrations-nicaragua.html

La Purísima

During colonial times, the Spanish brought their religious catholic fervor to Nicaragua, which was embraced in an incredible way by the natives (obviously after being imposed), with a mystical character and intense piety. This is how the popular religious Nicaraguan festivities were born, and in December ‘La Purísima’ is celebrated, one of the most widespread celebrations.

Imagine ‘La Purísima’ like this: a richly decorated altar is placed in a corner of a family house, with a statue of the Virgin Mary‘s image. In front of this altar, a lot of chairs are arranged, that will be occupied by family members, friends, and neighbors invited by the house owners to celebrate its ‘Purísima’. Once all the guests arrive, the celebration starts with prayers to the virgin, but these are alternated with traditional songs. All the assistants accompany with whistles, tambourines and other instruments. While this takes place inside the house, outside some family members fire rockets and the so called ‘caraga cerrada’, (firecrackers) that contribute a lot to the boisterous celebration. Meanwhile the singings and prayers take place, the host distributes to his/her guests fruits, traditional sweets, caramels, traditional drinks, sugar-cane and many other gifts.

‘La Purísima’ is a celebration to the ‘purest conception of Virgin Mary’, taking place on December 8th, according to the catholic calendar. ‘La Purísima’ is a tradition celebrated in all parts of Nicaragua by thousands of Nicaraguan families. These celebrations take place at the end of November and during almost all of December.

‘Purísimas’ are made for devotion or for gratitude to miracles that persons attribute to Virgin Mary. The families, or a couple of members of a family, realize a "novenario" of prayers to the virgin lasting nine days. Sometimes, the first eight days the prayers are private, but the ninth one is celebrated as described previously, but every family puts a little of their own style. It is interesting how each family inherits the image of the virgin from their ancestors; some of these images have been in the same family over a century.

Nowadays, the ‘Purísimas’ are also celebrated by big enterprises and institutions, and even by Nicaraguans living abroad or by Nicaraguan embassies.
La Gritería

Directly related to ‘La Purísima’, this other tradition, called ‘La Gritería, is more boisterous and more massive.

At 6PM every December 7th, a common yell is heard in different cathedrals and churches: Quién causa tanta alegría? (Who causes so much happiness?). This is how another ancient tradition starts along with the massive response ‘La Concepción de María’ (Mary’s Conception).

At that time, in cities and towns people start exploding fireworks and firecrackers. In the biggest cities, it gets so noisy that any uninformed tourist might think that a war has just started in Nicaragua. At midnight, firecrackers explode once again (the same happens at 6AM and 12PM, but on a smaller scale).

During ‘La Gritería’ Virgen Mary is also venerated. It is a celebration used by people to thank the virgin for miracles and it takes place before the official day. Faithful people decorate altars in their houses in a place were it can be seen from the street. In some neighborhoods you can find more than three altars in just one block.

Then, at 6PM sharp, thousands of Nicaraguans go to the streets to ‘shout’ to the virgin (the word gritería could be translated as ‘shouting’), which means visiting each altar and singing to the virgin Maria. This is basically how it is done: people hang around in groups, stop at an altar, intone traditional songs (the same as in ‘La Purísima’), house owners give fruits, candies, toys, instruments to make noise, natural drinks, and other type of gifts; finally, they move on to another altar. House owners who have placed altars wait until another group comes to sing. This is how ‘La Gritería’ is celebrated, lasting until the house owners have no more gifts to give away or until streets have no more singers.

Not only Catholics and religious people participate in this tradition. It is interesting to hear how people who do not know the songs’ lyrics make up the whole song or just sing the end of each phrase. This is a good opportunity for poor people to collect items, and it is interesting to see how people from different social classes participate in ‘La Gritería’

Library Humour and a Quick Note

2008-12-08T12:28:00.003-05:00

I'll try and get a 'real post' up soon. Life is full and busy. The weather is cooler now and I need two sheets at night!!!

As many of my friends and 'readers' are librarians, I thought I would share this bit of library humour, courtesy of my mother who forwards the odd joke along with her political bits.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Picking Coffee

2008-11-18T09:34:00.006-05:00

Nicaragua's tourist industry does not focus exclusively on the development of high end resorts; or even eco-tourism... but is also developing rural and alternative tourism. For example, in Matagalpa we were told of a Coffee Cooperative that hosted tours of the coffee fields.

We drove up to the mountain village and for less than $10 each we were guided on a short hike up the mountain (with our English speaking guide pointing out the names and attributes of various plants along the way); taken to pick coffee for an hour or so and told more about coffee than I'd ever known before; (Did you know that the pulp surrounding the coffee bean inside the berry is quite sweet? I tasted it!) and served a plentiful, if plain, typical peasant lunch.
The skies opened up just as we sat down to lunch so we had a pleasant hour sitting on the porch, digesting our lunch and watching the rain pour down on the lush mountain valley.

Biblioteca Movil

2008-11-11T10:41:00.008-05:00

San Juan del Sur's public library operates a mobile library that distributes books to local schools in the 'campo' (country). They invite volunteers to come along on these trips to visit with the kids; help with the crafts projects; assist the kids to pick out books; play sports with them etc.

I was pleased to have two very good friends from Vancouver visiting with me. I know B & G from library circles as they were both librarians. So... the 3 of us decided to spend a day going out with the mobile library. I really enjoyed the day, and hope I will make the time to do this more often. While it would be easy to find fault with the program: not enough books; the books are mostly in bad shape; not enough of the kids take advantage of the program; the teachers don't seem to support reading; the library staff don't seem to know anything about the books... the fact is it isstill doing SOMETHING... and the kids who DO use the service obviously appreciate it and enjoy it, and I believe will ultimately benefit immeasurably from it.

See: http://www.sjdsbiblioteca.org/

Miami Beach

2008-11-11T10:17:00.006-05:00

In October I went back to Toronto for a brief visit with my daughter. My flight routing took me through Miami, so on my way back to Nicaragua I decided to spend a few days in Miami Beach. While the largest renascence of the fantastic art-deco architecture in Miami Beach began in the 70's and probably reached it's hey-day in the 90's, renovations continue, and we saw many buildings covered in scaffolding.

We didn't stay in the beautiful, yet slightly unreal, Miami Beach for our entire visit - but visited downtown, Little Havana, Coral Gables, the Cape Florida State Park, and drove through a variety of suburbs and neighborhoods. Miami has a bad reputation... but I kind of liked the place. Like many cities built on the ocean, it offers beautiful views and reasonable access to beaches... what's not to like?

For detailed information on the art-deco architecture of South Miami Beach see: http://www.miamibeach411.com/news/index.php?/news/comments/southbeach-artdeco/

The Rainy Season

2008-11-04T17:48:00.007-05:00

I was sitting on my step watching the rain one day last month and thought it might be cool to try and capture it. Downpours like this were a pretty regular event for a couple of months, but right around the first of November, the clouds cleared and we have had pretty clear skies ever since. I guess the rainy season is over!

Mass murder in the kitchen

2008-10-10T01:45:00.006-04:00

I just finished an ant mass-murder spree, and now feel like there are about 100 of them crawling on my body! Sometimes when I get up, if we haven't wiped down the counters really well, there will be a swarm of them on the counter... that was this morning. Always a few of them escape when I go after them with a sponge soaked in bleach and crawl up my arms - and then I feel them even when they're not there.

I promise to try and post a few more 'thoughtful' entries soon. Meanwhile...if you'd like to read a good rant on health care, check out John's latest - I'm present in the story.... but remain unnamed. :) http://existentiallyyours.blogspot.com/2008/10/healthy-debate.html

I found this pic through a google images search posted on another blog. If it's yours - let me know and I'll credit it or delete it.

Getting busy at the Galeria

2008-10-10T01:18:00.004-04:00

Been busy this past month at the Galeria. Our September show of jewelry wasn't necessarily a financial hit, but it was a beautiful show and the staff were proud because it was the first show the gallery had done that was ready in time. The opening went off without any serious hitches and all in all we did a good job.

Our October show was scheduled for October 23, but just last week the artist canceled because some collector came and bought up his entire inventory! Well... good for him... not so good for us. I had done a fair amount of work on promotional materials for the show, and was pretty happy with the flyers etc. (see below)

Meanwhile, work continues on general promotional materials for the gallery, staff consultations, meeting artists, and planning future shows and programs. I've also been doing a bit of work for the arts festival that will be held in the Central Park on December 6.

We've been having some flooding problems, especially in the studio and in our storage cupboard. There is a major flaw in the roof design and pretty much the entire roof needs to be redone. So... management has decided to close the gallery for the next month while these repairs are conducted. This will give the staff a chance to get the administrative house in order (boy does it need it!) and for me to get the promotional materials finalized. Still tons to do!

Bailey gets measured

2008-09-15T14:52:00.007-04:00

This Saturday the first 'farmers market' was held in the Sports Park. We picked up some fresh spinach, basil and green onions and unfortunately missed out on the fresh baked bread! (We'll get there earlier next week). One of the vendors had hung this scale, so I took the opportunity to see if Bailey had lost or gained any weight this last month or so. I switched him to a raw food diet and I haven't been too sure if he is getting enough to eat. Last week he ate a chicken head and neck 5 days, and some Mahi Mahi the other two. About every other day he gets some raw vegetables as well. My friend Kelly snapped this photo of him as I was weighing him. You can see the original shot (as well as some other really beautiful photos) on her blog at Picasso Dreams

Yoga in the jungle

2008-09-13T14:42:00.005-04:00

About 3 miles outside of town there is a 'yoga community'. We met the yoga instructor from El Camino del Sol and she invited us to come out to one of her evening classes, which we did. I have to say it is the first time that I have done yoga to the background sound of monkeys howling in the trees. I keep meaning to get back out there for another class (and this time bring my mosquito repellent!)

Picture courtesy of Nicayoga.com

Lago Masaya

2008-09-13T14:36:00.005-04:00

On our trip to Juigalpa we were so single-minded about business that we regretfully did not stop to take any pictures, except for these shots of Lago Masaya which lays inside one of the craters of the massive Volcan Masaya.

Road Trip 2

2008-09-12T12:41:00.011-04:00

Last week some business took us clear across the country! Well... almost. We went to a city on the other side of Lake Nicaragua called Juigalpa. The drive took 4.5 hours, so to arrive in time for our noon meeting we left San Juan just shortly after 6am. It was the first time I had been anywhere east of Managua, so I was very interested in seeing this new country. It was an absolutely beautiful drive through some of the prettiest valleys in the country. Juigalpa is the capital of Chontales province (actually called departments here) and Chontales is ranching country. Driving by all those pastures I did have to wonder how much jungle had been destroyed to feed our North American taste for beef.

We arrived in plenty of time for our meeting, so took a brief stroll around the central park and browsed some leather worker's stands. Having a coke at the small park cafe, we were approached by two precocious teenage girls who wanted us to help them with their English homework. I decided that's what I needed was a teenage girl to sit and talk to me for a couple of hours every week!

Map copyright GraphicMaps.com

Road Trip / Shopping in Nicaragua

2008-09-12T11:44:00.018-04:00

I have been making a list of things I wanted for the house since I arrived, so the other week we set off in the new truck (wanted to see how it managed in 4th gear anyway)on a shopping trip to the Pueblos Blancos. This collection of villages lays in the volcanic highlands just to the south of Managua and about a 90 minute drive from San Juan. Each of the villages is known for a different artisania or handcraft. Our first stop was in San Juan del Oriente, which is one of the two locations in Nicaragua renowned for ceramic arts. (The other being up north in Jinotega province) I wanted to take a look at the 'art' ceramics; but I also wanted to buy some functional plant pots for our deck.

At one of the pottery workshops in San Juan del Oriente.

It was awful quiet in town and I think we were the only tourists I spotted during the entire hour that we wandered from one pottery workshop to the other. Bailey upset the natural dog order in town, as usual, and everywhere we were greeted by barking dogs either eager to meet him, or eager to eat him... I was never too sure which.

Some of the work is absolutely beautiful and the prices are unbelievable! A beautiful vase about 8 to 10 inches high might set you back $10, or $20 if you want a really intricate one!

Since we were ahead of schedule we took the time to go the extra hours drive to the southern outskirts of Managua as there were a couple of errands we wanted to do in the city as well. After lunch in Managua and a brief shopping foray at Comercial Central (where I happily stumbled upon an arts supply store) we headed back to the Pueblos Blancos and to the furniture town of Masatepe. Here we looked at lovely wicker sets of a couch and 2 chairs for the outlandish price of about $500 or a rattan set for about $300! Unfortunately all I needed, or have room for, was a simply folding deck chair which we use both inside and outside.

From Masatepe we headed back to Catarina to stop at one of the dozens of nurseries in this town of plants, to pick up some soil and a couple of flowering shrubs for the pots I had bought earlier.

All in all a very successful shopping trip!

Here are the pots I bought. I bought two of the one below right (they are about 2 feet in diameter) and have planted lettuce; basil and arugula. I have my fingers crossed that I'll be having fresh salad next month! All five pots set me back about $10 I think. The gardenia on the left is doing ok (although not flowering). The bouganvilla however has dropped all it's flowers and is losing it's leaves too. Anyone know anything about tropical gardening?

[While the Pueblos Blancos may have once shone white in the surrounding green jungle, as the houses and roads were all constructed from the chalky pale volcanic ash type soil of the area, today the century old buildings are painted in various colours and one has to do a little research to find out why in the world these towns are called the White Villages)

Local wildlife

2008-09-02T16:16:00.002-04:00

The largest, most beautiful butterfly (or was it a moth?) flew into the house the other night. It's wingspan was about 6 inches across when it was in flight, and 4 inches or so when it landed. It landed on the top of the chair and I ran to get my camera and then proceeded to try and get a picture of it. The poor thing was panicking as it tried desperately to find it's way out of the house and would not sit still, making picture taking a bit of a challenge. Finally as it crawled pathetically around on the counter leaving wing dust behind and I was able to get a couple of not very good shots. Then, I turned my back for a minute and it simply disappeared. The next evening, however, we found it, half dead and damp, laying under our dish drainer. It limped out a bit... but I thought for sure it wouldn't survive. We decided to try and get it outside anyway... and sure enough it managed to fly into a nearby tree. About an hour later I went outside and was startled to have the same moth (I'm pretty sure it was the same moth because I've not seen another like it since) fly right by me. I think it was coming back to say 'hello, and thanks'.

On being tickled (and not in 'that' way)

2008-08-14T17:14:00.002-04:00

You know how sometimes you're just sitting reading, or sleeping, or doing not much of anything and you feel something tickle your foot or arm? You swear it is something crawling on your skin. You look down, and of course - it's nothing.

Well....9 times out of 10 down here when this happens to me... it is bloody something! This afternoon it was a large fuzzy caterpiller. I instantly exclaimed "Uh!!!" and shook my foot violently, flinging said innocent insect into the trees. Sometimes it's an ant, sometimes some other thing that I don't even want to know the name of ... large, black, with wings and really really ugly.

Fortunately, although I find having insects crawling on me to be startling and mostly very unpleasant.... I'm not really paranoid of insects, so these daily occurrences of being tickled do not give me bad dreams or anything. What they do do, is remind me that it has been a very long time since I lived anywhere near nature at all. When I was a kid growing up on a farm in the prairies... running into caterpillers, ants, and any number of other tiny and ugly creatures was pretty normal.

It's nice to be visited by nature again... I'm liking it. Just keep the little bastards out of my bed, please!

Canadians - 10, Rest of the World - 7

2008-08-14T12:40:00.011-04:00

In what could have been called a 'grudge match', had it not been that it was actually requested by the reigning champions, Big Wave Dave's Cavemen beat the Bambu Blitzkrieg in San Juan del Sur's second ever street hockey game yesterday.

On Canada Day (July 1) this year, the first ever street hockey game was held at the Sports Park, with Big Wave Dave leading a team of Canadians to challenge a team of players from anywhere else in the world. You can read about this game (and how it came to be) in our local newsletter, Del Sur . You can also watch a video. Of course I was still in Canada and missed this historic event, but followed it closely via Del Sur as well as personal accounts.

The Canadian team took that initial game, and everyone had such a fabulous time that they decided not to wait an entire year for a re-match, but held a second game yesterday. Again the Canadian team out scored their rivals. One rumour has it that the Canadian team would never have done as well if it hadn't been for some creative recruiting. Posters were apparently placed in a local hospedaje that is favoured amoung young French Canadians. Said posters even (rumour has it) featured the Montreal Canadiens logo. Consequently, the Canadian team was well stacked with fit young men who had grown up playing hockey. The international challengers didn't really stand a chance, given that some of their team members had never before even seen a hockey game.

I have to say it was the most fun I've had watching a hockey game (albeit it was the first hockey game I've watched in years) in a very long time and the only time I have ever seen hockey played in bare feet and flipflops. See DanCesar.com for a great slideshow of the game.

Social Life in SJdS

2008-08-12T09:09:00.004-04:00

Contrary to what one might think.... it actually seems easier to have an active social life in this small town than it is in Toronto. Trying to schedule social events in the two months I was in Toronto this summer was a minefield of "how about a week from Tuesday between 7:15 and 8:45?" and "I'm up to my eyeballs in work... give me a call near the end of the month and let's try and hook up."

Monday nights there is a choice of two movie nights in town. Both hosted by different local bars. Tuesday nights there is at least one regular poker night / pot-luck dinner that we have a standing invitation to. This Wednesday afternoon there is a road-hockey 'grudge' match between the Canadian team and the 'rest of the world' team. Wednesday night we are having a few friends over for dinner (and we didn't have to schedule 2 months in advance). Thursday night our friends at the Bambu Beach Club are hosting a party and showing of the Batman movie; and again on Friday night the Bambu Beach Club will hold a pool party to inaugurate their new swimming pool. (The only pool on the beach in all of San Juan!) By Saturday night we will be badly in need of a night off! But you never know what excitement could come up!

Serving cake at John's birthday party at the Bambu Beach Club.

Yo tengo un 'jeep'

2008-08-11T20:03:00.002-04:00

Yes.... I bought a 'jeep'! Well, not really a jeep.... a 1996 Toyota 4x4 Landcruiser that is 'jeep style'. This picture is not actually my Landcruiser... but mine looks just like it! It's white and rugged and by all accounts has been well taken care of by both it's previous owners down here. Now, we can haul anything we darn well want, anywhere we darn well want. YeeHa!

Travelling with Dog

2008-08-09T11:45:00.010-04:00

Last year when I travelled with my teen daughter (see http://travellingwithteen.blogspot.com ) I opted to leave my Yorkshire terrier, Bailey, at home. Well, not exactly at home. I twisted my sister’s arm, played the ‘if you love me’ card and shipped him out to Edmonton to suffer a prairie winter living at her house.

This year, with a commitment to live in Nicaragua for at least 6 months, I opted to bring him with me. Given that Bailey only weighs 5 pounds, this endeavour is not especially onerous. Nevertheless, there were (at least theoretically) a few hurdles to jump.

Number one: Can he travel on the airplane? While dogs are welcome in the baggage compartment of most airlines, the kicker is that in almost all cases the airlines will not allow this if the temperature at any stop along the journey is projected to be above 80 degrees fahrenheit. Given that all possible routings had transfer spots far south of say, Arizona... that option was definitely out. Fortunately, TACA (the Costa Rican Airline) still allows small dogs on board aircraft, if their carriers can fit under the seat in front of you as carry-on luggage.

On the leg from Toronto to San Salvador, the crew was very flexible and did not blink an eye when I allowed Bailey to spend the majority of the trip sleeping quietly in my lap. Since he whined incessantly in his carry bag, I reckoned the passengers next to me would prefer him quietly sleeping than whining annoyingly. On the short 45 minute journey between San Salvador and Managua the on board crew were much stricter and insisted that he stay in his bag with the bag under the seat. Fortunately the flight was quite empty so I don’t think his whining annoyed that many people and the flight was short.

Number two: Will he be allowed into the country? Research (while conflicting information was found) indicated that I needed two things 1) proof that he had had a rabies shot at least 30 days prior to arrival in Nicaragua and 2) a signed health certificate (preferably translated into Spanish, which I did not do) issued no more than 10 days prior to arrival. I dutifully acquired both documents, but was (rather unsurprisingly) not asked by anyone to produce said documents.

Number three: What will I use as a ‘kennel’? Bailey is accustomed to spending his nights and all hours when I am not at home in his ‘kennel’. He feels safe in it and it keeps him from making a mess in the house. His traditional kennel is hard sided plastic and much to big to bring with me. I considered buying a collapsible kennel, but resisted spending another hunk of money on yet another dog accoutrement. My sister pointed out that we might as well use his travel bag as his permanent kennel, as while small it is big enough for him to curl up in comfortably. Not to mention the fact that Bailey has never been real good at house training and has even soiled his kennel from time to time... our thinking thus being he might stop this nasty habit if his kennel was so small he would not be able to escape from his mess.

The only problem I had with this solution was that his Sherpa Bag collapses in the centre making his ‘home’ a little on the claustrophobic side in my opinion. Using a few cut-to-fit dowels and some duct tape I had hoped to reinforce the top of the bag thus ensuring his ‘roof’ did not collapse in on him. Numerous attempts failed. Apparently about the only thing duct tape will not adhere to, is the inside of a Sherpa Bag. Finally, after arriving here and mulling the problem over I have apparently arrived at a solution. Still using duct tape - this time as a material from which to fashion and then sew into the bag little ‘pockets’ to hold each end of the dowel... I have managed to create a ‘kennel’ that he seems relatively happy with.

Number four: Will he be eaten by the half boxer / half pit-bull Nica dogs that seem to be the breed of choice around here? So far, I am happy to report, Bailey is intact. I keep him on leash when we are out, and by and large the Nica dogs seem to ignore him... of course he makes as much noise as possible every time anything, massive Nica dog or not, passes by our little house... scaring the bejesus out of the workmen, the caretaker’s children and everyone else.

By and large, Bailey is fitting in well. He certainly entertains everyone in town, as it would appear that the vast majority of Nicaraguans have seldom seen a dog so small. Yesterday we got caught in a tropical downpour and both got completely drenched. He looked like the quintessential drowned rat with ears and garnered numerous chuckles from the wise locals taking shelter under every eave and porch as we passed by.

He is, as always, an endless source of amusement to me as well. I especially enjoy watching him jump back from anything that smells different to what he is used to (which, of course, is almost everything). The other day he encountered a large plastic soda bottle, as part of the typical flotsam and jetsam washed ashore by the tide, and was completely flummoxed. Apparently he had never met a soda bottle that smelled like the sea before and was sure it was an alien creature to be approached with extreme caution and then jumped away from quickly before it might rise up to attack him.

Similarly, two nights ago he appeared to discover an insect that was also worthy of extreme suspicion as he repeatedly attempted to sniff it, and jump away from it in fear. Last night he entertained us with his repeated attempts to capture a crab (about 2 inches in diameter) that had somehow found its way all the way from the sea to the top of our hill! I imagine we are in for a few weeks of similar amusement as both Bailey and I adapt to our new home.

New Digs

2008-08-06T23:05:00.008-04:00

It has been a long time since I have settled in to a new home. I lived in my last house for almost 7 years, which is the longest I've lived in any house since I left my parent's home over 30 years ago.

My new home is a rental, and it is unlikely that I will remain here for anywhere near 7 years, but nevertheless I will endeavour to make it home. It is not hard to feel at peace here... we live high on the hill overlooking the bay of San Juan del Sur on the Pacific coast of Nicaragua. While it is a hard climb up the hill to get to, the wooded setting and lovely view of the bay certainly make the effort well worth it. During the day the sight of white boats bobbing in the blue waters against a backdrop of green hills is a better view than any art I could hang on my walls, and at night the sound of the waves crashing far below lulls me better than any musical composition could.

The house itself lies in a small development of 9 houses, each a fair distance from one another. While small, it is comfortable and pleasant and our spacious deck is a room of it's own. The entire building is about 16ft wide and 18 ft long and is divided into two halves... one contains the bedroom and bathroom, while the other houses the kitchen and living area. I could complain of the lack of comfortable lounging furniture... but instead I think I will just go out and buy a nice deck chair that we can use both inside and out and will provide a good resting place from which to watch TV. We already have a classic Nicaraguan rocking chair; table and four chairs and a desk.

In the coming weeks I also hope to buy a number of planting pots for our deck in which to plant herbs and leafy greens (lettuce, arugula, spinach, etc.) as they are exceedingly difficult to find in the market here.

Unfortunately all this shopping is going to be a tad difficult as the road to our house is so steep it is all but impassible to anything other than a 4 by 4; and we do not own any vehicle at all.... but I am sure we will work something out. Our next project is to get a large bottle of drinking water up here; and to find a carpenter to build me some frames upon which to stretch canvas, as I am eager to do some painting!

Stay tuned, for more adventures from Casa Pia, Nico Vale, San Jual del Sur.

The front door of "Casa Pia"

Beautiful People

2008-07-21T08:17:00.012-04:00

The "Lonely Planet Guide to Nicaragua" describes the unique cultural mix of peoples that make up what are now known as 'Nicaraguans'. Indigenous, African and European cultures are represented. Seven different indigenous cultures are identified and at least 4 different European nations have contributed to the population. After describing all these cultures and their historical roots in Nicaragua the Lonely Planet writer goes on to say: "Mix all that together, simmer for a few hundred years, and you get an uncommonly good-looking people who consider racism a bit silly." I sure can't argue too much with this description, and a recent photo album on the website: DanCesar.com (which is owned and maintained by my friends: Dan and Cesar) certainly documents the beauty of the Nicaraguan people. Check out some wonderful photos of the kids of San Juan del Sur at their recent baseball camp, and see if you don't agree: Baseball Camp In SJDS, Nicaragua

photo credit: Cesar Paniamogan, Jr© 2008

The monster raises it's ugly head (again)

2008-07-11T11:34:00.004-04:00

Some mistakes seem never to be behind me, but keep raising their ugly heads like the science fiction monster that refuses to die.

I have been separated from my last 'mistake' for over 5 years now, and legally divorced for 15 months. This troubled union dissolved quite effectively on a late spring evening I would really rather forget, but am not allowed to. For long term readers of this blog (both of you) you will remember that it was an act of violence that ended the marriage and that some time later my estranged husband launched a claim for damages against me and the police in relation to that evening. Apparently he felt that both myself and the police had unnecessarily caused him pain for which we should be made to pay.

Strangely, and amusingly (in a very twisted way) his own claim against us included what he seemed to believe was a 'defense' of his behavior that evening, in which he stated:

Following the second assault on his person by [me] {assault described as a 'violent and painful slap to his face without warning'}, the Plaintiff {that's him} gently restrained his aggressor {that's me}, placed her on the bed and advised her in a matter-of-fact manner that he could break her neck if he wanted to. [Me] began screaming loudly in an effort to embarrass the Plaintiff and draw attention to herself. Accordingly, the Plaintiff placed a pillow over her mouth to prevent her screaming as it was quite late at night.

The fact that placing a pillow over someone's face also impedes their breathing, seems to be something he was not aware of.

As part of the final divorce settlement he was convinced to sign a release, dropping me in this claim for damages, but apparently has proceeded with his claim against the police. How do I know this? Well.... unfortunately this month I received a letter from his lawyer.

According to his lawyer's letter they "understand that some time ago, [I] confirmed with [my mistake] that [I] would assist in his action against the police." The letter goes on to ask me to please contact them to arrange to visit with them to make a statement.

Just to be clear... I have absolutely no recollection of ever saying I would assist him... and if I did...... well, all I can say is, it must have been under duress.

Receiving this request for a meeting was startling to say the least... other emotions that I experienced (and continue to experience) include horror, amusement, and amazement. Mostly though, I am dismayed by having to re-visit an episode in my life that I had hoped was closed, packaged, and filed completely in my past.

Some have suggested that this man suffers from borderline personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder. I don't know. I don't much care. I do believe this:

Anyone who first threatens my life (both verbally and physically); then attempts to sue me for damages; and THEN asks for my assistance (thinking that there is actually something I could, even if I was willing to, say that could assist him)... is not living in the same reality as most of us.

Will this 'monster' of a mistake of mine, ever be laid to rest?

Cocktails and Crap

2008-06-26T19:56:00.008-04:00

Moving out of the country for awhile necessitates the divestment of a fair amount of belongings. Frankly, I have been feeling oppressed by my 'belongings' for quite awhile. I just seem to accumulate stuff. For a librarian, I'm actually pretty good at getting rid of stuff, but nevertheless after a few years it does pile up. All the gifts that people have given me that I don't really need (and in some cases don't really like); all the stuff I bought because I liked it at the time, but don't care so much for anymore... but heh... it's there, so what the hell. It piles up.

I had a garage sale last weekend and I managed to sell a reasonable amount of miscellaneous 'crap', and I have carted a fair amount off to Goodwill already. Today and tomorrow I am trying a slightly different method. I sent invitations out to about 50 friends inviting them to stop by after work for a cocktail, with the one condition that they must take something with them when they leave. Tonight seven friends came by; five of whom I haven't seen in at least a year, so it was great to see them and have a chance to chat. Each one took a bit of something from my living room / shopping room.

It's a win win situation - I get to visit with friends AND I get rid of some 'crap'.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's cocktail party.

Building creative thinking and self esteem through art

2008-06-25T00:08:00.004-04:00

I'm leaving for Nicaragua in August with the intention to work with a community development organization there; specifically to help them with a new program they have which combines art and community development. They recently opened an art gallery, which they hope to turn into a successful business. However they also hope to use the space and the program to promote art and culture in the community. For example, they are currently running an after-school art program for local kids.

Tonight I attended a social get-together sponsored by a local NGO here in Toronto to introduce a representative from a Nicaraguan organization that works with children to support their development using art and education. "Children in rural Nicaragua , like all children, require creative outlets and opportunities to develop their creativity, express themselves and develop self-esteem." (see: http://www.pueblito.org/programs/nicaragua/index.html)

I am reminded of an observation that a friend of mine made about working with children in Guatemala:

"[When they tried to] have the kids draw a jungle animal for a jungle theme along the wall, the kids couldn't come up with ideas as to how to draw any....When we did little english classes the kids were only comfortable copying exactly what my friend would write down on our little chalk board- improvising and coming up with their own answers just didn't happen. When we did storytelling in the classrooms there (my friend M did the reading!) they were in chaotic, cinderblock classrooms completely devoid of art, colour, pictures that you see in classrooms here. The kids fought over the books we brought with us (endearing a sentiment if not a little violent at times when they would hit each other over the head with the books to get at them!) All the more reinforced the importance of arts and creativity in children's lives."

Perhaps our little gallery in San Juan will be able to make a difference in some children's lives.

Escape from 'Relationship Purgatory"

2008-06-23T09:54:00.005-04:00

Why does it sometimes take too long to do what we know is best for us? Why do smokers keep smoking? alcoholics keep drinking? gamblers keep gambling? Why do people in dissatisfying relationships stay in them?

Somewhere I picked up this description of addiction:

The addictive system always presents itself in a panic situation. Beguiled by cynicism it makes promises that it can not deliver. It enslaves as it consumes what life still exists to the desperate victim. It does not matter how unreal, how ugly or how demanding the substitute is, it is better than no substitute to the overwhelmed and insecure self.

I probably spent too long in the relationship I called the purgatory relationship. See previous post: Relationship Purgatory. Dragging out the inevitable mostly just made the pain last longer... of course there were good days and good times (after all, it wasn't a BAD relationship - he was/is a great man - but it just wasn't going where I needed/wanted it to go)... but the difference between purgatory and hell is a razor's edge.

For one prone to the seduction of the addictive system, making the break from the things we love that aren't good for us seems one of the biggest challenges in life. I think the key is in learning to nurture our 'overwhelmed and insecure' selves, thereby building inner strength. With our 'selves' intact it becomes a bit easier to live without the addiction we have used to substitute for what we really need; or if we are really lucky we actually find we no longer need that substitute at all.

I miss that man... but I don't need that relationship. One addiction down... at least one to go.

New Look

2008-06-20T10:13:00.001-04:00

I've gotten tired of all that 'green'! Plus... this blog is going to take a bit of a turn I think, as my life takes a bit of a turn... so it's time for a new look!

Maybe I should get a new hairstyle too!

LOL

Paper, paper and more paper

2008-06-20T09:42:00.002-04:00

Leaving Canada for an indefinite period of time provides a wonderful opportunity to seriously weed out of my life all the unnecessary STUFF that one accumulates. I am not what one would normally call a pack-rat. For one thing, I have lived in this house for almost 7 years and that is the longest I have lived anywhere since leaving my childhood home at the age of 17. This somewhat nomadic life has necessarily meant that I have not accumulated an enormous amount of things. However, I am as guilty as the next person of collecting STUFF. I will not divest myself of everything... I will store some furniture and other necessities; as there is as good a chance that I will return to Canada within a year or two as not. At least for now, I can't commit to a total break with life here.

So, my days are filled with creating piles:

sell or give away
store
recycle
throw away

I have already filled about 5 large garbage bags with paper for the recycling bin! It is unbelievable the amount of paper that can pile up in one's life. As a friend of mine once remarked about life...."one thing THEY don't tell you about is the filing"... well... I have filed FAR too much is my life and now am embracing the infamous 'File 13'.

Geographic Depression?

2008-06-18T14:44:00.004-04:00

I have been battling depression for most of my life.... it is a fact and one that I am no longer angry about. We all have our little burdens to bear and for whatever emotional, chemical or genetic reason I have been burdened and blessed with a fragile psyche. In the main I have learned strategies for coping with my affliction, and it has been quite a while since I have visited the really really dark place that depression can take you to. I still visit the grey places fairly often and expect I always will.

From January to May of this year I lived in a small beach town in Nicaragua (San Juan del Sur), surrounded by odd and interesting people and very blessed with a new and caring companion. This combination proved very good for my affliction and happiness came easy.

I am back in Toronto now and it is good to visit my friends and spend time with my daughter again. However, I find it much harder here and I am again visiting the grey places far more often. Today, I found myself wondering... is it possible that this PLACE makes me depressed?

I had always loved living in Toronto.... but I can't do it anymore. My airline ticket is purchased. I return to Nicaragua in August.

It might help if the f***ing sun would shine! LOL

Shock Doctrine - A book review (of sorts)

2008-04-22T17:19:00.000-04:00

An old friend here in Nicaragua is wondering how to approach Canadians for support for the alternative Sandinista party, the MRS (Movimiento Reconstruccion Sandinista). I advised that the first question that they would need to answer would be “Why should Canadians be interested...what about Nicaragua would galvanize or inspire people into taking any kind of action?”

Back in the 80s a variety of progressive sectors of Canadian (and other nations) society were attracted to the Sandinista revolution here because what the FSLN was trying to do at that time represented an alternative to the global status quo that we were already fearing then. Little Nicaragua, by overthrowing a U.S. supported brutal regime and throwing their collective energy into policies and programs that supported the people rather than the corporate elite was a tiny shining beacon in the darkness for many.

The early Sandinistas had good role models to follow. In the two decades before the triumph of the Sandinista revolution in 1979, a wave of leftist movements had swept through much of Latin America and dominated popular culture in much of South America. As Naomi Klein puts it “... it was the poetry of Pablo Neruda, the folk music of Victor Jara and Mercedes Sosa, the liberation theology of the Third World Priests, the emancipatory theater of Augusto Boal, the radical pedagogy of Paulo Freire, the revolutionary journalism of Eduardo Galeano and [Rodolfo] Walsh. It was legendary heroes and martyrs of past and recent history from José Gervasio Artigas to Simón Bolívar to Che Guevara.” (Klein, N. 2007. The shock doctrine: the rise of disaster capitalism” p.104) While ‘revolutions’ in Chile and Argentina had already been defeated in blood baths largely designed by the forces of global capitalism (ie the United States) by 1979, this did not deter the Sandinistas. It was this heroic attempt to provide Nicaraguans with a life of dignity and democracy (not to mention free education, free healthcare, their own land, and employment) that attracted so many people to form solidarity organizations and provide support to Nicaragua.

In the last couple of decades there has not seemed to be too many ‘shining beacons’ and much of the world was been thrown into ‘survival mode’ it seems. Klein’s book, ‘The shock doctrine: the rise of disaster capitalism’, which I have just finished reading, explains the reasons that so many of us have been pushed into ‘survival mode’. If it has felt like ‘survival mode’ for us in the ‘first world’ it has been 3000% times worst for the majority of people in the world.

Klein defines ‘the shock doctrine’ as the “use of public disorientation following massive collective shocks - wars, terrorist attacks, natural disasters - to push through highly unpopular economic shock therapy. Sometimes, when the first two shocks don’t succeed in wiping out all resistance, a third is employed: that of the electrode in the prison cell or of the Taser gun” (from the flyleaf). Klein’s research is so incredibly thorough (including over 50 pages of notes and references) it is almost daunting for we ‘normal’ writers and thinkers. Her book “explodes the myth that the global free market triumphed democratically. ... she traces the intellectual origins of disaster capitalism back to the University of Chicago’s economics department under Milton Friedman, whose influence is still felt around the world. ‘The Shock Doctrine’ draws new and surprising connections among economic policy, ‘shock and awe’ warfare and the covert CIA-funded experiments in electroshock and sensory deprivation that shaped the torture manuals used today in Guatánamo Bay.” (from the flyleaf) The same techniques that were first ‘reseached’ in McGill University labs in Montreal and then ‘perfected’ in places like Pinochet’s Chile; Samosa’s Nicaragua; and in the dirty wars of El Salvador, Guatemala and so many other places where people dared to ask for some control over their own lands and lives.

“As Klein shows how the deliberate use of the shock doctrine produced world-changing events, from Pinochet’s coup in Chile in 1973 to the Tiananmen Square Massacre in 1989 and the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, she tells a story radically different from the one we usually hear.” (from the flyleaf)

As you might imagine, reading Klein’s book was in itself sometimes an exercise in ‘shock’ and I often felt ill, frustrated, and really really angry while reading it. I needed to take frequent ‘mental health breaks’ from my reading and it took me over 2 weeks to get through the 450+ pages. Her writing is easy to read.... it is the content that is so so difficult to face - yet ultimately rewarding, exhilarating, and hopeful.

So - what does Nicaragua offer now that might interest Canadians? What does this tiny country have to teach us? What are they doing here that might give us that sense of hope again that change is possible? I’m afraid I don’t as yet have that answer. However, I do think that the MRS is more committed to the Sandinista agenda that once provided us that ‘beacon’ of hope, than the current government of the FSLN. This may be reason enough for Canadians to pay attention and support one of the poorest nations in this hemisphere, and the MRS as the leadership most likely to deliver.

I do believe that Latin America in general is, again, offering us a model. Klein’s last chapter is one of hope (thank god). Entitled “Shock wears off: the rise of people’s reconstruction’, the chapter details some examples of the backlash against global capitalism. Some of these examples are possibly just as scary as disaster capitalism. For example, the rise of religious fundamentalism is cited as one response.

However, in Latin America left and/or centre left governments are taking control again and “the task of the region’s new left...has become a matter of taking the detritus of globalization and putting it back to work” (p. 455) and Klein cites a number of examples, from the peasant farmer cooperatives in Brazil; the recovered companies movement in Argentina; and the more than 100,000 worker co-ops in Bolivia that manage much of the state infrastructure.

Even more remarkable is that they are now saying NO to such bastions of disaster capitalism as the IMF, the World Bank and the US government. As of the writing of the book, Brazil had refused “to enter into a new agreement with the IMF. Nicaragua is negotiating to quit the fund, Venezuela has withdrawn from both the IMF and the World Bank, and even Argentina, Washington’s former “model pupil,” has been part of the trend. In his 2007 State of the Union address, President Néstor Kirchner said that the country’s foreign creditors had told him, ‘You must have an agreement with the International Fund to be able to pay the debt.’ We say to them, ‘Sirs, we are sovereign. We want to pay the debt, but no way in hell are we going to make an agreement again with the IMF.” As a result, the IMF, supremely powerful in the eighties and nineties, is no longer a force on the continent. In 2005, Latin America made up 80 percent of the IMF’s total lending portfolio; in 2007, the content represented just 1 percent - a sea of change in only two years. “There is life after the IMF,” Kirchner declared, “and it’s a good life”.” (p. 457) The World Bank is being likewise rejected. “In April 2007, Ecuador’s president, Rafael Correa, revealed that he had suspended all loans from the banks and declared the institution’s representative in Ecuador persona non grata - an extraordinary step. Two years earlier, Correa explained, the World Bank had used a $100 million loan to defeat economic legislation that would have redistributed oil revenues to the country’s poor. ‘Ecuador is a sovereign country and we will not stand for extortion from this international bureaucracy,’ he said.” (p.457)

As Klein points out “it stands to reason that the revolt against neoliberalism would be in it’s most advanced stage in Latin America - as inhabitants of the first shock lab, Latin Americans have had the most time to recover their bearings.” (p. 458) It is for this reason, I think, that North Americans in particular will begin looking again to Latin America for guidance in how to organize our social movements to fight against the forces that attempt to convince us that social and economic justice is an impossible goal. Again, like in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s ‘idealist’ North Americans may begin to take their inspiration from this popular culture of Pablo Neruda, Victor Jara, Mercedes Sosa, liberation theology, Ernesto Cardinal, Augusto Sandino, Emiliano Zapato, Augusto Boal, Paulo Freire, Eduardo Galeano, Silvio Rodriquez, Rodolfo Walsh, Simón Bolívar, Che Guevara... and so so many of the dead to whom we owe it not to lose hope in a version/vision of the world that we can be proud of.

¡El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!
¡No Pasaran!

Damaged Trust

2008-04-15T18:33:00.000-04:00

One of the things that my last marriage, my last husband, did was damage my already fragile trust in men. Worse than that though, is that it/he damaged my trust in myself; I question my ability to make good choices in men. And now, when I find myself getting close to a man; having feelings for him it appears that at times the slightest thing may throw me into a state of doubt. “Will he turn out to be as harmful as the last one?”

Walking with a boyfriend, I suddenly think I detect a sense of disgust or judgment in him, and immediately I flash to that personality that harmed me so. “Is he the same?” I ask myself. “Will he turn out to be as negative and harmful to me?” “Is everything good that I have seen in him so far, just a temporary state - just a show of seduction?”

My fear is great; but it is my fear and I must tread carefully not to confuse my fear with the reality of this person who so far has done me no harm and shown me only respect and caring.

Losing the capacity for conflict

2008-04-14T11:08:00.000-04:00

I had been led to believe that all relationships are fraught with difficulty.... that it is always just a matter of degree and the primary thing to learn is how to ‘manage’ these conflicts or differences. While each of the primary intimate relationships I have had in my life brought me some joy or pleasure, all have also been war zones. It is no surprise, therefore, that all have ended - and usually unpleasantly.

While there were a few ‘loves’ prior to my twentieth birthday, my first major relationship began in my twentieth year. He was smart and funny and I was drawn to him for these reasons. Ultimately, and with the wisdom of retrospect, I recognize that we were doomed because we did not have shared values and I did not know myself well enough to understand that this was important or even to fully understand what my values were, necessarily. We fought. I was often frustrated and lonely. I left for a love that was born of need and passion.

I loved the next love passionately, and we enjoyed an amazing physical relationship and shared history and values. The passion did not stop in the bedroom.... and we fought just as passionately. I’m not sure what about exactly... except that I have come to understand that while brilliant, he is a person of great pain, and his pain has crippled him so badly that he has become incapable of maturing, of finding balance or lasting joy. His cynicism and pain, while often bitingly amusing is also capable of being directed with venom at those he loves.

When I left I had such a big hole in my heart that I lost 15 pounds in a month and couldn’t engage properly with another man for over three years. I played with non-monogamous relationships and made a concerted effort to build friendships with women; as well as beginning a very long journey of personal therapy that was to last off and on for the next 20 or more years. I began to look inward at who I was and what was important to me. I fell in love with causes, and found some sense of purpose.

After three years I began to feel the pull for the ‘partnership’ again; and in retrospect I think my biological clock had begun to tick a little louder. He was young, gentle, kind, and he loved me. I ignored some very important early signals and we lived happily and relatively peacefully for a few years. We had a beautiful child and we were in love with both each other and the child. But the ‘real world’ has a way of intruding on a gentle way of being... and we were incompatible in our ways of dealing with these demands. Stress was incompatible with our relationship and we fought... we fought often... we fought with bitterness and pain. I felt abandoned, lonely, and on my own. I left for a love that promised strength and protection.

I was duped. The strength and protection was a mirage. Perhaps a mirage born of my own need to see what I wanted or what my exhausted self needed to see. I fell in love, again, with the wounded child. Perhaps I was always falling in love with the wounded child.... the wounded child within? This time it almost killed me and left me doubtful of my ability to ever chose a love that would be rewarding. Fortunately, it also drove me deeper into therapy and left me with a greatly reduced capacity for conflict.

I am, apparently, a very very slow learner. All my life I have been a fighter... I have fought to be accepted, I have fought to be loved, I have fought to be heard, I have fought to have my needs met, and all it has gotten me is the emotional shit kicked out of me. It has slowly dawned on me that it is really quite possible to have happy rewarding relationships that do not include regular, painful conflict. Whoever, or whatever, led me to believe that fighting was an essential part of relationships set me up. While it might have been true that I needed to fight during one period of my personal development; I held on to this practise for far to long. I needed to learn what is worth fighting for, and how to do it in a non destructive manner.

I have finally learned that if the dynamics of a certain relationship seems to require that I feel the need to fight to be heard, or have my needs met then I am quite likely much better off without that relationship. I have learned, that I can, without much pain, walk away from these toxic relationships - whether temporarily or permanently. Energy spent fighting can so much more productively be placed in other relationships - ones that do not demand that I fight. Life is too short, as they say, and the world is full of people and possible relationships that I am missing by expending unnecessary negative energy on relationships, that while possibly full of love, are also full of pain and suffering.

My capacity for conflict has been, finally, beaten (by myself and others) out of me. At least that is my most fervent hope.

Commitment Anxiety

2008-02-16T11:59:00.001-05:00

Steve Martin said it so well in the final lines of "Shop Girl":

"How could I miss a girl that I had kept at a distance, so that I wouldn't miss her when she was gone?"

Invading another's space

2007-07-14T18:10:00.000-04:00

I once visited the home of a lover. It was the first time I had actually spent an extended period of time in his space. It was shocking how difficult it appeared to be for him.

In all the years I had known him, I had never known him to be particularly irritable or defensive. However, I suddenly found myself in silly tiny conversational conflicts when I didn't agree one hundred percent with minor opinions he expressed. I found myself on more than one occasion backpedaling on my somewhat contradictory opinion, to assure him that I did not disagree with him.

One evening I mentioned that I was looking forward to visiting his region again soon, and he over-reacted something awful. Suddenly I was putting him in 'a difficult position'.

He put words in my mouth, suggesting that I had just told him I was planning on spending an entire season with him. I assured him I was doing no such thing, and certainly had no such intentions, not even of visiting again, not without an invitation. He moaned that he could not give me what I wanted or needed. This was a message that he routinely delivered to me. I assured him that I would not expect anything from him.

We went out one evening. I met many people, and even flirted with some of the men. Usually he did not mind this; and spent a fair amount of his time flirting / talking with other women. It was a game we had played before. Suddenly he disappeared. It turns out that he had left the party without a word to me. I was in an unknown city; somewhat under the influence of more than a few glasses of wine; and left alone. Well.... I am a grown up and I can manage.... but still.... I was a tad shocked. I would expect any friend to at least check and see if I had cab fare to get home before just up and leaving.

When I arrived back at his place a few hours later, I asked why he had done such a thing. He claimed I was too busy with other (men) for him to get to, to tell me he was leaving. I said that that seemed like a weak excuse, and that I didn't think it bothered him if I was talking (flirting) with other guys. He asked me why I would think he didn't care. Was he being jealous??!!??

By the time I returned home from that visit I was more confused than ever. He told me he didn't see any future for our relationship since we lived so far apart. Yet, he held me more than warmly upon saying goodbye, kissed me with what felt like feeling, and said he would call.

Was the relationship over? Had he managed to communicate his real feelings? What are his real feelings?

Do people ever become capable of expressing consistently and honestly what they feel?

Relationship Purgatory

2007-07-10T09:05:00.001-04:00

Purgatory

a temporary condition of torment or suffering
temporary state or process of "cleansing" after death in preparation for Heaven

If only 'relationship purgatory' was temporary, and the reward of relationship 'heaven' was inevitable.

The particular relationship purgatory I have/had placed myself in was not always one of torment. But it certainly was a place neither here, nor there; neither heaven nor hell; and by necessity temporary. If one stays forever in a state without growth, one will eventually have to admit it is a hell they are in.

Decision Making

2007-06-29T05:07:00.000-04:00

It suddenly dawns on me that 'they' (meaning that mysterious other gender) really DO make decisions based on that unique piece of anatomy they posess. It's just a plus for them if they also like, have something in common, enjoy the company of, etc. the object of their desire.

While obviously women too can be motivated by hormonal urges.... I think that if we suspect that our actions could be misleading to others, or hurt others, we will look elsewhere for that hormonal release... or go without. We seem to be more motivated by the promise of companionship.

No matter how nice and respectful a man may be, when it comes right down to it, he seems incapable of making the 'right' decision if the possiblity of 'getting some' is part of the equation.

Why do I keep forgetting this?

A new and different journey

2007-06-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

For approximately the last 5 years, my life has been marked by too much negative upheaval. A tragic decision to become deeply involved with an incredibly wounded man resulted in one headache and heartache after another. The good news of course is that I learned an incredible amount about myself and the decisions I make through this trying experience.

In any case, it is now in my past and I have decided to mark this occasion with a year of positive upheaval!

One of the things that I have always hoped to be able to do for (and with) my daughter, is to give her the opportunity to live outside of North America for a period of time prior to high school. A number of things have come together in my life, so that this year I am going to be able to make this dream a reality.

So - Alfhild's journey, while I doubt I will abandon completely, will be overshadowed by a new blog that will document this new physical journey.

To follow our adventures, check out http://travellingwithteen.blogspot.com/

A Frustrated Romantic

2007-04-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

I often consider why I find it difficult to do what so many of my friends do; or what is often recommended to women in my single situation: Why don't I just get on with my life and enjoy being single? Stop looking for or hoping for a relationship with a significant other.

My therapist says I am a frustrated romantic. And to his credit, he does not say this like it is a bad thing.

I say I am a 'best friend' kind of person. As much as I like my own company and am an independent person.... it remains that I honestly experience more joy sharing moments with someone than experiencing them alone.

I have dabbled a little again lately with dating.... thinking perhaps it would be healthier for me than 'putting all my eggs in one basket'. Especially a basket that seems to have a fairly weak bottom and has moved half way across the world. It's been relatively disastrous. The pickings are slim. Plus.... I have to admit.... I'm not sure my heart is really into it much.

What, I wonder were the strange combinations of influences and personality traits that made me a romantic?

I do, however, cling to the belief that one day it will all come together for me. I will have matured enough to chose a S/O with whom I can have the best friend love that I yearn for.

Distance and Connection

2007-04-15T23:31:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there were two people. They really enjoyed each other’s company. They spent 2 or 3 evenings a week together. They went out. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They made love. They talked and laughed. One day, one said to the other one: Why don’t we plan a weekend together and do something. Anything you want. Ok said the other one. Soon after that their get-togethers started to get more difficult to schedule, and slowly they saw less and less of one another.

When, after some weeks, the eventual confrontation occurred, where one professed love and hope for a future, the other admitted to struggling with feelings for a past love; with uncertainty in their ability to ever commit or engage again. Yet they seemed to leave that meeting with an agreement to continue to see one another, and for a few months they pretended that nothing had changed, until one day contact just ceased.

The abandoned person cried, and yelled into the lonely silence. After a number of months, when they thought they were over the worst of it… they sent a message. Very slowly over the next few months, contact was restored between them. They acknowledged a connection, a need, a desire, and a fear – each had a different fear…. but fear was there. One day the abandoned person said to the other…. I can’t do this anymore…. I want more…. I can’t be just your friend that you have sex with. So for a few months again, they tried not to have contact …. But now the distancer could not seem to maintain the distance.

Ultimately, neither one of them could maintain the distance, and again very slowly…. contact between them grew more frequent…. phone calls, emails, instant messaging… dates….contact became a regular part of their life. Strangely, the one who was ‘the distancer’ was the one who most often initiated contact. Months passed. There were moments of closeness, even moments of tension…. but they passed. Through it all, distance was maintained…. yet not. A pretence of closeness and an equal pretence of distance. Which was real? Which was not?

Which was more real?

One day, one said to the other one…. would you consider taking a vacation with me? Yes, said the other one. I would.

Very shortly after that, the other one said to the first one: I’m sorry…. I’m going to be moving far far away.

Months passed. They were hard months. But the last few weeks they had together they seemed to grow yet ever closer. On the day of the move, they went to the airport. As the one who was leaving was getting ready to leave they promised to come back in a few months so they could have that vacation together. Did they both shed a tear or two? Or did just one of them?

The distancer, who now lived thousands of miles away, still made contact on a very regular basis. There was no denying that they were connected…. and even distance did not change that connection. Yet still…. now there were two kinds of distance between them.

They talked regularly and they looked forward to the ‘vacation’. The vacation happened… and it was as if they had never been apart. They talked. They laughed. They cooked meals. They drank wine. They went out. They made love.

But again, there was a trip to the airport. There were tears shed. And the loneliness seemed to grow even bigger.

There is a connection, yet there is a distance. This is the reality.

Flirting at gyms

2007-03-28T16:48:00.000-04:00

The only way I can get myself to go to the gym is to make an appointment with a personal trainer. Even then there are times when I find myself calling him to say.... "I just can't make it!" I'm essentially a lazy person. Anyway.... my trainer and I have such a good time... the hour flies by. This is the second trainer I have had... and they have both had such fantastic senses of humour that it's just a fun time.

My current trainer, K, is this cute 30 something gay guy constantly on the prowl for long term love / relationship, and settling for lots that come his way in the meantime. We have a lot in common. :) So - between bench presses, push ups, reverse crunches, and other forms of 21st century torture (have you ever seen those machines?) we compare notes on lovers and adventures of all kinds.

The gym we usually meet at is very low key and quiet. We are sometimes the only ones there. The other day, though, we met at the other branch of the gym. This one is more glass and steel, uptown, and comparatively very busy. Not really my scene. However, I did note that if I went to the gym to meet guys I would be better off going to the uptown branch. K agreed, "It can be a bit of a meat market" he said.

"Really?" I asked, feigning more interest than I actually have.

K laughed and joked that he could see me arriving in some hot lingerie rather than the standard tights and t-shirt.

I told him that at 47 years old, I didn't think I truly looked my flirting best at the gym. I favour darker places, that serve alchohol . I reckon I will have more luck if my subjects are a bit blurry-eyed.

Maybe it's time to invest in some of those lulu lemon clothes, and pull out the heavy duty makeup before going to the gym!

Economies of conflict

2007-03-12T23:33:00.000-04:00

I'm watching Anderson Cooper on television. I'd never heard of Anderson Cooper until a few weeks ago. I was at the library, waiting for my daughter, and perusing the "New Books - Short term loan" section. Anderson Cooper's book (with the unfortunate title of "Dispatches from the edge" [i'm not kidding] ) captured my attention. I have no idea why... maybe cause I think he is good looking and his picture is on the cover. In any case, I read the book.

Now, although I usually abhore CNN, I occasionally tune in to his television show.

So - one of the stories is on the 'war on drugs" - Columbia, cocaine, etc. etc. It has taken a back seat lately to the war in Iraq / the 'war on terrorism'. Next, there is a story that puts forth Hugo Chavez as a very serious threat to U. S. security; followed by a story about the perils of poor security at airports. And I wonder.....

When was the last time the US wan't 'at war' with someone? or something? Why is our culture / economy based on conflict?

International Women's Day = K Free Day!

2007-03-09T14:31:00.000-05:00

I am now officially a single woman again!!!!

Four years ago next month, I called the police very late one night because my then-husband (K) had attempted to kill me; and I was scared and didn't know what else to do. His perspective is that he wasn't trying to kill me.... but I felt that my life was at risk.

He promised to make the divorce as long and as expensive as possible. He did more than that - he also filed a civil claim for damages against me. He claimed that I assaulted him and then called the police and made a false claim and he suffered financially and emotionally and I should be made to pay. As part of the divorce settlement he has signed a document dropping that claim. It has been a long and expensive process - but as of yesterday (International Women's Day) I am officially divorced.

For anyone who might still question what went on that horrible night.... here is an excerpt from the claim he filed against me:

"Following the second assault on his person by [me] (assault described as a 'violent and painful slap to his face without warning'), the Plaintiff gently restrained his aggressor, placed her on the bed and advised her in a matter-of-fact manner that he could break her neck if he wanted to. [Me] began screaming loudly in an effort to embarrass the Plaintiff and draw attention to herself. Accordingly, the Plaintiff placed a pillow over her mouth to prevent her screaming as it was quite late at night."

Obviously, in his mind, this was completely acceptable behaviour. The fact that I could not breath was just a side effect I guess.

One of the darkest chapters of my life is now over. And spring is on the way. What could be better?

Have a great weekend!!!

Happy Birthday

2007-03-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

Every year on my birthday, I make a point of gathering my closest friends together. It helps me feel loved. It is my annual, very necessary, ego pick-me-up.

I just watched scenes from the film, "Bridget Jones Diary". The scene that gets me (probably gets most of us) is when the Mark Darcy character, played by Colin Firth, tells Renee Zellwigger's Bridget that he likes her 'just the way she is'. Well... my god.... doesn't that make all of our female (and many of our male) hearts skip a beat!

And then, shortly afterward, Bridget is making dinner for her three closest friends. Mark shows up and tries to help her salvage what is one fantastic culinary disaster. At the dinner table, surrounded by blue soup, and inedible marmalade dessert... again Bridget is toasted and loved, "just as she is!"

My god.... can any of us ask for anything more than that?

I will continue to invite my closest and dearest to help me celebrate my birthday each year. I, like most of us I suspect, need to be told as often as possible that we are loved... just the way we are.

People are in pain

2007-02-23T12:29:00.000-05:00

People are hurting.

Everywhere I look, people are hurting.

And they try so desperately to soothe their own pain. They feel worthless and powerless and they will do anything to make that feeling go away. Too often, we believe that if we can impress others, we will prove our own worth - to them and to ourselves. People will lie, steal, cheat, and otherwise hurt others in atttempts to impress others.

We believe that if we impress others, we prove our worth. We will soothe the pain inside.

There is a certain kind of agressiveness that happens everyday in this attempt to soothe the pain. I was watching a scene from the sacharine film "Pay it Forward" the other day. An incarcerated street punk claims that he is the one who invented the whole idea. He wants the reporter to believe that he is this smart; this giving; this thoughtful; this worthy. He wants to believe it himself.

The partner or boss who belittles and abuses others - he wants them to believe he has power - he wants to believe he has power. He wants to soothe the powerlessness within.

It seems more common in men.

It breaks my heart.

Classic V-day Bitterness

2007-02-14T21:20:00.000-05:00

On my ideal Valentines day one or more of the following would happen:

1.) a huge and beautiful bouquet of flowers will be delivered to my door, sent by the object of my desire.... roses, would be ok.... lilies would be better.... calla lillies and red roses together might prove unbelievable and irresistable.

2.) the object of my desire, whom I have been unable to see for awhile, would show up unexpectedly at my door.... fortunately I would have for some unknown reason just finished grooming and dressing as if I had a hot date, and look so good his heart would melt on the spot.

3.) diamonds are good too.

Do you think I may have been just a 'little' influenced by marketing campaigns?

Guess what? None of the above happened today. For that matter none of the above has ever happened to me. I did get a happy V day email though.

I'm going to celebrate "disapointment in love" tonight with a girlfriend by burning all existing pictures of the last horrible excuse for a husband I had. Or at least pretend and drink a lot of wine!

stickgirl comic courtesy of: http://stickgal.blogspot.com/

Foodie Foolishness

2007-02-13T11:53:00.000-05:00

One of my closest friends is a 'foodie'.... meaning that she makes her living in the food/cooking business. In her work, she comes into contact with some of Toronto's most famous 'foodies'. What a lot of nonsense! (Make no mistake... I am not making fun of my friend's work... I respect her business a lot and she would be amoung the first to admit that the whole 'food' world is full of pretense and silliness, not to mention back-biting).

Anyway.... last Saturday four of us were to go out for dinner, and three out of four of us were interested in going to a steakhouse. We debated back and forth the pros and cons of going to an established chain whose name has three letters, or to one of the many 'fine dining' steak houses in town. Now, I don't eat beef.... so I really didn't have too much opinion one way or the other. While I am extremely suspicous of the abilities of any chain kitchen to produce anything but mediocre quasi-intstitutional food.... I am not a steak connoisseur. Besides, I tend to be far more interested in the companionship, conversation, and red wine than I'll ever be about the food. Suffice to say ... the proponents of the 3-letter chain restaurant won the little-debated debate.

One of the deciding arguments presented in this non-debate was that a number of 'foodies' had recently remarked that they believed that for your money the 3-letter chain steakhouse was better than said small steakhouse with the grand reputation.

HUH!!!! Shows what they know!

While I did contemplate the fish special at about $30.00; I decided that the chance that what I received I would feel was worth $30.00 was too steep a risk for me. I chose the combo side of 3 vegetables and a side of rice pillaf for a total of about $13.00. I figured if I chose something pretty hard to really fuck up, and the price was not too outrageous I wouldn't do too bad.

Well.... one of us had one 'overcooked' lobster tail for about $18.00; one of us had steak for about $30.00 they felt tasted 'old', one of us had prime rib that was "pretty good" for about $30.00. And of course, I had vegetables.

Well.... you be the judge.... was this good value for money?

Besides, for the first half of the evening the music was too loud and horrible and the waiter didn't offer to hang our coats.

On the plus side, we picked a pretty good bottle of $40 something California Merlot and the company was terrific!!!!

A wandering mind

2007-02-08T18:04:00.000-05:00

The hardest thing I've had to learn, and the most important, is that not everyone sees the world the way I see it; or thinks the way I do; or experiences the world the way I do, or expects the same things as I do. I am not always sure if I behave consistently with this lesson - but I do try.

I am more than reasonably irritated when others behave in ways that suggest they expect that others DO see, think, experience and expect the same way that they do. Judgement is extraordinarily annoying. I hate it when I catch myself behaving judgementally.

But it really seems to me that this incongruency lies at the heart of most conflicts that people experience, be they big or small. Of course, there is that one little problem that we all do have our limits... and there will always be those whose limits one cannot accept.

I just finished reading "We have to talk about Kevin", a captivating and disturbing novel that explores the process of one mother coming to terms with being the mother of a mass murder-er. Like most of us I would find it very difficult to not be judgemental of a mass-murderer's way of 'being' in the world.

Watching CSI last night, and one character says to another about a murderer: "How does one cross that line?" and the other character responds: "I don't think they cross the line. I think they were born on the other side of it."

Nature vs nurture.... the enduring question.

From judgemental behaviour to the enduring question - a wandering mind at work.

Midwinter in Toronto

2007-01-30T07:25:00.000-05:00

A very routine 'diary' like posting:

Saturday last was the "John Doe" annual birthday party. It's an old fashioned 70s style party- live music, tons of people, tons of intoxicants etc. I went with two friends. One of my friends new the host because way back when she had been married to a friend of the host. The two men had known one another when they were both living at Roshdale, which was this infamous 'free' college at the UofT in the 60s. Hope that gives you a picture of the type of party it is. It was fun. I got my ego stroked. Got hit on by lots of men. None of them the least bit tempting.... but still..... a girl can always enjoy soaking up some appreciation now and again. LOL.

V (my guy who has moved away) and I continue to be in very regular contact.... almost everyday there is either a telephone conversation or an email, or both. He still doesn't have a personal computer, so no access to Skype or MSN right now. I like to romantically think that perhaps he misses me more than he thought he would..... but that may just be me practising wishful thinking.

One of my best friends and I have embarked on a weekend adventure this winter. We have been trying to master the art of baking cream puffs and/or cream cornets/cones. We've tried 2 different recipes thus far. (We were too hungover after the big birthday party last weekend to try recipe 3) The first one was the biggest disaster I think I have ever experienced in over 30 years of baking. Inedible. Last week's were quite edible, but still there was a lot of room for improvement. We aim to try recipe 3 on the weekend, unless we get lazy and decide to wimp out and just bake pies!

Male Sleaziness

2007-01-27T15:09:00.000-05:00

Sorry guys.... this is going to be a bit of a male-bashing post. It's not that I dislike you guys in general.... it's just that too often individual men just make such a bad showing of it, that it gets us all down.

I watched the film, "The Constant Gardiner" last night. I really enjoyed it. A typical LaCarre thrilling ride, a lovely love story and heart-rending political message. I recommend it highly.

There is a scene in the film when our heroine, who has been let down by a man that she trusted and has declared love for her, asks him for a favour. Granted, it is a big favour that could put the gentleman at question at risk. He does not want to give it to her. She (for better or worse), offers that if he does this favour, she will sleep with him. It should be noted that she is married to one of his closest friends and colleagues, does not love him, and probably will not follow through on this deal. He too, is of course, married. What does this sleaze-ball do? He accepts her proposition.

Is there nothing a man will not do to fuck a woman he is infatuated with? Does he never put friendship, loyalty, or respect above the desires of his cock? It never ceases to amaze me.

Not too long ago, a woman close to me told me the following story: She (let's call her Mary)and her husband of more than a decade had recently divorced, and she was celebrating by visiting friends in another city. She spent one night at the home of very good friends. Let's call the couple Jenn and Ian. Jenn and Ian had been friends with Mary and her ex-husband for many many years. Mary considered Ian to be a very good friend of hers. After a lovely evening together, Mary slept well in their guest bedroom. She awoke long after Jenn had left for work the following morning. She got up and made herself some coffee, and Ian (who had a very flexible schedule) joined her for coffee in the living room. A fine and comfortable morning routine shared by two old friends. What could be more assuring?

Ian interrupts this lovely scene to point blank tell Mary: "I'm really attracted to you and would love to eat your pussy!"

I am NOT making this up. This is what this man says to his old, old friend. Can you imagine anything more sleazy? Mary was shocked, I was shocked, and no doubt if Jenn knew of the behaviour of her well-loved husband she too, would be shocked. Note too: this was MORNING.... they had not been drinking... he had no excuse for his abominable behaviour. AND he had previously never truly shown his sleazy side.

Ian is a regular guy in his forties. He holds a good job. He has been married long enough to have grown children. He appears to be well informed and normally well behaved.... but he would throw away his friendship, the respect that Mary had for him, possibly his marriage.... to make this bizarre and sleazy pass at a woman that he considered a friend. What the hell is going on inside the minds of men?

When I was a teenager I had a very good male friend. He dated one of my best friends. One night I was driving him home and he asked if we could stop and talk. So I stopped the vehicle in a quiet spot.... we often confided in each other.... Well.... turns out on this particular night what my good friend wanted more than anything was to coerce me into some sexual acts. I was hurt, and shocked and said no. He responded by taking the keys of my vehicle and refusing to give them to me unless I agreed. It was getting late and I was worried I would be late getting home. He begged. I refused. He took the keys and started to walk away from the vehicle.... leaving me abandoned. To tell you the truth, I don't remember how that evening resolved..... I know I didn't have sex with him.... but it may be that I let him do something I would rather not have done - some sort of minor touching.

You would think that the friendship would have been irrevicably harmed, wouldn't you? Surprising, even to myself, is that it did not take much or long for me to forgive him. It turns out that from a very young age.... girls learn that boys/men 'will' behave badly.... that is just the way it. So, we learn to either forgive, or hate. What choice do we have?

If I were to ask any woman I know, they could tell me of at least one occasion (and probably many many more) when a man they respected, possibly considered a friend, made an improper proposal to them. It has happened to all of us. And men wonder why women have a hard time respecting them? My god guys.... yes, we understand that sex is important and a major drive.... but have you no discretion? If you must 'fuck for recreation' ..... please..... stop choosing your friends and the wives of your friends.

Happy New Year

2007-01-26T18:44:00.000-05:00

As usual I spent New Year's Eve with some family and close girl-friends. It was, as always, a hoot!

One of us, who has never been married, was bemoaning the fact that she didn't have a special someone, AGAIN!

One of us, who is still recovering / celebrating the end of a marraige, was happily rating all the men in sight on a scale from one to ten.

One of us was valiently trying not to be too sad about the fact that her favourite guy is moving half way across the world.

And one of us laughed a lot and declared that her New Year's resolutions were to "take it up the ass more and have a threesome".

Then.... we all laughed... a lot!

It's good to have goals in life.

Young ones

2006-11-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

I met the cutest young one tonight.

Generally I'm not too interested in young ones. But this one is an articulate genius reader/writer. Seriously.... wow.... what a soft spot for me. The artists. The cute young artists.... hmmmm.

I met him at a local pub. Just out walking the dog and stopped in for a pint. We yacked about social networking; computers - are they good or bad; gaming; the beat writers; Henry Miller and Anais Nin; crazy behviours of pre-teen girls; his parents marraige; my professional environment. All in less than an hour!

He manages a great local bookstore/music store - mostly used stuff - but not exclusively. The store has a great reputation and has been a staple in the neighborhood for a long time.

[long time = more than 10 years. I think there was a time and a place where neighborhood 'institutions' were much older than 10 years. What does that say?]

I think I may drop in the bookstore a bit more often. I don't want an affair with this young one.... but there is always room in my life for an articulate genius reader/writer.

Parting.... is not that sweet.... but there is sorrow

2006-11-20T23:05:00.000-05:00

My number one guy and I had a fight this weekend. We rarely have fights. It's one of the reasons he is my number one guy. But he is moving away. Far away. It was a job he couldn't turn down over a job that is burning him out. I understand the decision.

I want to spend as much time together as possible before he moves. He, in a way, has already left and does not feel compelled to spend more time together... but perhaps even less. Thus.... the fight.

I interpret this as "Well, if I was important to you then you would find it hard to leave me and want to spend as much time as possible with me while you still could. Ergo... I must not be very important to you". He just says he looks at it differently and thinks maybe it is better that we don't see too much of one another, since he is moving away and it is unlikely we will be able to continue having a relationship.

While I agree that large distance is a major hurdle to a relationship.... I am not ready to give up the possibility just yet. Apparently he is. I conclude (perhaps incorrectly) that he is using the move as an excuse to separate from me without taking personal responsibility for the relationship ending. He doesn't have to end the relationship... it will end itself because of distance.

Every guy I get involved with always seems so different from the others at first. This one is wonderful for so many reasons....but ultimately there is something common with all of them... they are unavailable. Their love is unavailable.

Which brings me to a most perplexing question.... do I chose unavailable men because when push comes to shove I am unavailable?

We have resolved the fight, but nothing changes. We will see each other a few more times before he leaves. I will cry a lot. He will move. Then it will be next year and we'll just have to see what happens then.

Where are those millionaires again? LOL

Bring on the Millionaires

2006-11-17T11:51:00.000-05:00

A new dating service is being launched in Toronto today. The Millionaires Club. I'm not joking.

Apparently it has been operating successfully in the U.S. for awhile. The idea (so they say) is to assist busy eligible rich men to find 'quality' (read: exceptionally beautifula and intelligent) women versus the flighty golddiggers they generally run in to.

While the website seems to indicate that 'quality' also means 'young'... I think I may see if there are any millionaires out there interested in a moderatly beautiful, quite intelligent, 'mature' woman (that would be me!)

I know many people will poo poo this latest adventure.... but heh .... what do I have to lose? At the best I will meet the perfect man who also has money! I know chances are slim cause it's probably an oxymoron: my perfect man and a rich man, but at the worst I will spend some time filling out a form and never hear from them again. Somewhere in the middle I 'may' get to have a few really great dinners, meet a completely different kind of person than I usually meet, and have fodder for the blog!

Stay tuned for adventures in millionaire land!

a girl's catch 22

2006-11-07T19:17:00.000-05:00

Even at my mature age, I find there are times when I become insecure about a man's interest in me: are they 'just' interested in sex? or do they appreciate alll my other wonderful qualities? Men don't seem to worry too much about such silly insecurities. It's a girl thing.... a catch 22 .... we are supposed to be good at sex to attract and keep men.... but we are also supposed to be modest about it and 'pretend' not to be.... and if we are desired only for sex... then we are being used and disrespected.....

Why does society like to fuck up something as good as fucking?

-------------------------

I celebrated my 47th birthday last Friday with a wonderful dinner with 15 of my closest friends, followed by a foray to a local nightclub. The next day I saw some girlfriends and someone asked me if I had gotten 'laid' on my birthday. I said "Yes. Of course. It was my birthday!" :-)

One of my friends looked surprised ,as she had been at the dinner, and asked: "Who? Who?" I smiled and said - "don't you think it's enough that you know I got laid.... I think I'll keep the 'who' to myself." Of course, it's also possible I was making the whole thing up, isn't it. ;-)

---------------------

When men attempt bold gestures, generally it's considered romantic. When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psychotic. (Carrie from 'Sex and the City')

The Breathalizer Phone

2006-10-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

Communications Technology and Dating

I grew up about a hundred years ago and more than 2000 miles away from this cosmopolitan city I now live in. I received my first date invitation when I was 13 years old, via a telephone call. Normal enough. EXCEPT ... I lived in a rural area and we still had party lines. For those of you born way after me and in a more populated area: a party line is a telephone line that is shared by multiple households. Inevitably there are always some people who find it entertaining to 'rubber-neck' (where, I wonder, did that term come from?) on other people's conversations.

The morning after I accepted the invitation to my very first date, I boarded my school bus only to face teasing and cat calls regarding my up-coming date. Everyone in the neighborhood knew the details of my fledgling romance. Needless to say I was relatively mortified.

My father bought me my first telephone answering machine when I was in my mid twenties. It revolutionized my dating habits. Not at first... but like most people I eventually learned that if I was fearful of talking to someone I could let the machine take their call. Even more importantly, if I wanted to communicate with someone but was fearful of actually speaking to them, I could approximate a good time to call when I would be likely to get the machine and leave my message then. Suddenly, a lot of 'date' related phone calls were getting made in the middle of the day!

While this sounds awfully wimpy - I must note I certainly was not the only one making use of this technique!

For the next decade or more I was in relationship(s) and not paying a lot of attention to changes in dating rituals. Bring on the Internet generation and I'm again participating in the dating game. While the telephone is obviously still being used, it is perhaps less prevalent than other communications technologies. Now, I often meet people online, communicate with them through email and instant messaging and use text messaging on my cell phone as an alternative communications method.

Oh.... the choices! Now, if I (or one of my paramours) wants to communicate we have a variety of methods to choose from. Depending on the message, the distance, the time of day (or night), the status of the relationship.... etc. etc.... which communications method is appropriate and/or comfortable?

I have sent flirtatious or funny text messages to a friend's phone when I knew they were likely to be in the middle of a stressful work day. I have manipulated my online status to control who I will talk to online - I can appear to not be online and only show that I am online when the person(s) I am hoping will contact me come online. I can set my status to 'busy' with the hope that the object of my affection will get curious as to what I am doing / who I am talking to and make contact. I can chose to send an email to say thanks for a good time; or a text message; or a phone call. I can have phone sex with my boyfriends or we can have 'virtual sex' - which is basically the same as phone sex - only in written form using instant messaging. I can engage in writing erotic or flirtatious ficticious stories with my boyfriends by sending emails back and forth with each of us adding a scene to the story.

I have friends and colleagues who decry the reduction of face to face communications that people engage in - they are suspicious and critical and fear that by avoiding communicating in person we are reducing our ability to engage in community with others. I see their point.

Personally, I like written communications. I always have. I was a letter writer as a child and young adult and I took to the email generation even before the world wide web was a reality. For a variety of reasons there are things that are easier to say in written form than in verbal form. I have sometimes grown closer to people through correspondence. I embrace the variety of communications .... but have never really been a telephone person.... I blame it on that first date experience.

My friend, R, invented the Breathalizer Phone. (Of course it only exists in our imaginations so far). A telephone that will not operate if you are drunk, because of course, we have all come to consiousness on a Sunday morning with the vague memory of phoning a boyfriend or ex boyfriend and making complete asses of ourselves. Remember the Friend's episode where Rachel calls Ross for 'closure'? No? well.... you likely get the picture anyway.

"Don't Drink and Dial" is as much a part of our parlance as "Don't Drink and Drive". And now we have to add: Don't Drink and Text! Sheesh...

For more on dating communications etiquette see:
http://sexonmydesk.ivillage.com/love/2006/08/the_new_rules_of_technology_in.html

Truth? or Kindness? You? or Him?

2006-10-28T00:51:00.000-04:00

It has come to my attention that one of the things readers like to focus on when they read my blog is: WHO is she talking about?

I may be referring to someone particular. I may be making the character up from various aspects of real people I have known. I may be referring to someone I once knew.

But what is more important, for me anyway, is that I hope that I am talking about thoughts and issues that are not common to just 'my' life.

So.... when I write about a man I don't want to see again and whether the best course of action is to tell him why.... or let him down easy.... the question is not WHO am I talking about.... the question is: is it best to tell the truth or be 'kind'? Which is actually kinder?

If it were YOU I was talking about, what would YOU want? It 'could' be you, you know. Or maybe not. Probably not.

Motivation

2006-10-27T22:59:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to get a posting finished for days now. I feel bad for neglecting my blog. I am working on a few pieces - but none are ready for posting. I've been low on motivation.

Tonight I attended a dinner party with very old friends - family really. Topics raised in my blog were referenced during the party. One friend complimented the blog - saying they thought there was 'good stuff' there (or something like that).

My dog.... you actually do read this stuff! It was good to know. I feel more motivated now. Thanks.

More to come.

(ps. use the comments feature now and again, ok?)

To take advantage of

2006-10-12T10:24:00.000-04:00

advantage

· superiority or ascendancy (often fol. by over or of): His height gave him an advantage over his opponent

take advantage of

· Put to good use; avail oneself of; also, profit selfishly by, exploit. For example, They really take advantage of her good nature, getting her to do all the disagreeable chores. [Late 1300s]

· to impose upon, esp. unfairly, as by exploiting a weakness: to take advantage of someone.

· To profit selfishly by; exploit: took advantage of the customer

The Dream

As I left the cafeteria I offered him a ride: “I’m going west, I can drop you off at a subway if you like.” He accepted the ride. (It should perhaps be noted that ‘he’ was a popular television character known for womanizing.)

He asked if we could stop briefly so he could pick up something to eat, to which I complied even though I was afraid I would be late for my mother’s birthday dinner.

He went in to the restaurant to place his order and began to flirt with the women in the restaurant. The next thing I know, I am left with his food and his bill, while he disappears into the mountains with 2 (or more) women. While I wait, people begin thinking that my car is a bus and they get on it and wonder why I’m not leaving.

“This is not a bus!” I say. They do not want to believe me and seem to think that if they simply stay in their seats I will take them where they want to go.

“This is not a bus!” I scream. With great hautiness they disembark. I hear murmurs of “you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Finally he comes out of the mountains and gets in the car. There are now 6 of us in the car, and it appears that he is driving. I don’t know where we are, or where we are going. I am worried again about being late for my mother’s birthday dinner. One of the women in the car is giving directions to him.

“I’m not driving” he says to her. “She is.” Indicating me.

At which point I realize that indeed I AM driving and somehow it has been assumed that I am taking each one of them to their own homes.
“Wait!” I say…. “I can’t take you all home. That wasn’t the deal. I said I could drop you at a subway. I’m going to be late for my mother’s dinner.”

They are all greatly disappointed and begin to argue with me. I am getting quite angry and am aware that because of that I am not paying appropriate attention to my driving.

“NO!” I am yelling at them – “I can’t do this. I didn’t say I would.”

Suddenly there is a group of children in the road. I swerve to miss them but unfortunately I hear the sickening crunch of the car striking one of the children.

I immediately break. My passengers yell, “Don’t stop. We need to get home. Don’t stop.”

I stop the car and get out and run to see. After I have struck the little girl, another car has hit her and she is now stuck under that car. She is dressed in a pink snowsuit and she is screaming and in great pain. Someone is holding her and yelling “Call 911” and someone else is trying to lift the car off of her.

I chastise myself for not already calling 911, and for leaving my phone in the car. The little girl screams again. There is blood. I hear my voice in agony say “Oh my god!” which awakens me.

I am shaken by this dream and lay awake wondering at it’s meaning.

The overwhelming message that comes to me is:

“It always ends badly when you let others take advantage of you.”

Perfume

2006-10-10T19:22:00.000-04:00

Advertising is a constant source of entertainment and bewilderment. I'm one of those people who reads without thinking. I read every billboard; every elevator posting; ever traffic sign I pass. (well ... maybe not EVERY - but you get my meaning). I read the weirdest headlines sometimes. For example, take this one:

What does your perfume say about you?

Perfume only says one thing about you: you want to attract others to you and/or leave others with a positive impression of yourself.

Of course I suppose if you chose a bad one it could also say you have bad taste - but that (like anything else the aroma may say to others is in thier eye (or nose in this case) and says nothing about the wearer and more about the smeller.

We wear perfume, should we wear it, to attract others to us or to help leave others with a positive impression of ourselves.

Rock Star Status for Storytelling

2006-10-07T18:41:00.000-04:00

My friend V has gone to Guatemalan for a few months to volunteer to help establish a community library (or something like that). Her first week has been challenging (to say the least). You can read about her adventures at: http://valinguatemala.livejournal.com/

I met V in 'library school' about 10 years ago. She is more than 10 years younger than me, and one of the brightest, funniest, most wonderful people I know. She tells, and writes, wonderful stories with great skill and comes up with wonderful images.

As part of her volunteer activities right now, she has been assisting a wonderful young teacher (M) in providing ESL classes and storytime sessions with the local kids. Here is how she describes her experience in the Guatemalan village of 'El Remate': [note: I will correct V's spelling - cause, let's just say spelling is not one of her many many talents :) ]

V says that it is worth whatever crap she may be experiencing, " just to be able to roady to M´s new 'El Remate' Rock Star status for her storytime skills."

Who needs television anymore?

2006-09-19T01:25:00.000-04:00

I used to watch a lot of television. Too much television. It's a habit I think I got in to in a bad way when my daughter was young and I was poor. Cheap entertainment for a sleep deprived brain!

Now I'm addicted to my laptop and the world of blogs and wikipedia! Seriously - I spend more 'entertainment' time in front of this machine than any other machine in my house. I'm not gonna even examine whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I will say that I think it's heaps more intellectually stimulating than television - at least I read AND watch AND even write sometimes!

Check out these winners from tonight's foray:

http://www.thebudgetgraph.com/view.html

http://boingboing.net/

And http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/

Of which I particularly liked: http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2006/09/rape_scenes.html

But less 'controversial' may be:
http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2006/09/susie_interview.html

But hey - we all gotta enjoy this:
No?

Rejection dilemma

2006-09-19T00:25:00.000-04:00

There's a man kind of in my life (translate: I sleep with him sometimes) that I hope never calls again. Most of us have been there/here, right?

I hope he never calls again cause I truly don't know what I should say to him.

Should I tell the truth:

You are severly lacking some of the basic social skills. You smell bad. Your place is disgusting. Your imagination does not capture mine. You can't even come close to being emotionally open and you don't really do it for me sexually.

Seems overly mean doesn't it? Not to mention who knows what his reaction would be? Men can be unpredictable and easily wounded by the truth.

I can't help but wonder though, if someone had told him this 20 years ago - maybe he would be a happier person today. Or at least maybe he would be getting laid more often.

Or should I tell him:

"No, I really don't think we should get together again. It can't go anywhere. I'm just not that into you/it anymore. Thanks, but no thanks."

Both rejections are true. Which is really the kinder rejection?

Feedback wanted people!!!!

NOT about love, relationships or sex

2006-09-18T17:26:00.002-04:00

Things are just beginning to warm up for the November municipal election here in TO. I ran into one of the candidates for my ward on Saturday - he is an old friend/acquaintance. He was on his way to the market where he says that police were towing cars, but ignoring the crack dealers.

Jane Pitfield is the only opposition mayoral candidate getting any real press so far. Today she announced that she would like to pass a law prohibiting panhandling on Toronto streets. "YEH" I said, to no one in particular since I was alone in the car at the time. The more really stupid things like that she proposes the better the chances are she won't get elected!

I'm going looking for some election related blogs and sites so I can start getting myself informed. Adam asked me to work on his campaign. Might be a better use of my energy than moaning about not finding the perfect love, huh?

So far I have found: http://www.spacing.ca/votes/ Pitfield has some wonderfully stupid things to say about providing home ownership to people currently living in public housing. You go girl!

Is hope a halucination?

2006-09-15T10:52:00.000-04:00

A friend posted the following quote in a comment to one of my blog entries. Apparently it comes from Diane Schoemperlen's book of short stories "Forms of Devotion":

"Still I was not willing to concede that love is blind. Rather...I insisted that love makes you see things that aren't there. Things like honesty, integrity, wisdom, courage, the future, etcetera. Love is not blindness. Love is a halucination, the ultimate distortion of reality by which all those parallel lines you've believed in for so long become curves and all perpective is lost."

I agree and disagree with this sad, yet wonderful, description. Perhaps love is both blind and a halucination. In love, we do not see things that are there, and we do see things that aren't there. If the halucination has been powerful enough then when we awake from our distorted reality our heart is broken. However it is also possible that when the halucination lifts and our distorted reality morphs into a less distorted reality (reality is an arguable concept after all) that another love then has a chance to live. At least that is the current illusion that I am betting on: hope for a love with happiness and a shared reality.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tunes without the words
And never stops--at all.
(Emily Dickinson)

When there is a disconnect

2006-09-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

S has been out of town about 90 percent of the last 6 weeks. I've found myself surfing the online dating sites again. It's weird. I am very conflicted about it. We haven't made any promises or commitments to one another. I'm fully confident that he would not change in his attitude or behaviour to me, should he know that I am flirting a little with other men. I quite enjoy the conversations, the flirting, the attention.

However, what I really want is to be doing all my flirting with him. I don't care that he is out of town - I care that when he is, he is almost completely unavailable to me. I think we have discussed this and I think we understand one another's position.

I tend to follow my instincts in these things. Which of course we all know has gotten me into trouble on at least one occasion. I think/hope I have learned when it is best to pull the plug on a relationship/friendship. No matter how strong the attraction, no matter how intense the desire, no matter how charming or enticing the object.... if it doesn't respect me and my thoughts - it is not to be kept.

S does not disrespect me. Nor does he disrespect himself. He challenges me to behave in my own best interest. He accepts that I feel the way I do and does not belittle me for it.
Although he does not feel capable of meeting my feelings with similiar feelings of his own, he offers me the feelings he does have for me.

If I am not deluding myself, then in some ways it may be the best relationship I've had so far in my life. At least in one sense of communication we are highly successful - we seem to have agreed to accept and respect that we are not always on the same page. What, I think, we try and focus on, is the things we do agree on.

Young Love

2006-09-12T19:36:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I accompanied an old friend to a family wedding. It was everything you would imagine in a wedding. We arrived just in time on Friday evening to join about half of the wedding guests for a sunset cocktail cruise on a beautiful lake in upper New York State. We sipped on champagne and chatted with the friendly guests from all over Canada and the U.S. The young bride seemed relaxed and happy and excited. The cruise was followed by a deliciously slow and delectable 5 course dinner at a comfortable local dining room.

The following morning dawned sunny and warm and was a relaxing day of tourist activity in a charming town. While the afternoon provided scattered thunder storms, by the evening it was clear, if a tad chilly. We were shuttled from our accomodations to the young couple's home where they had constructed a large white tent to house the festivities. Torches lit the yard and large planters of seasonal flowers were scattered about the lawn. The bride and groom greeted guests and people milled about sipping on drinks and enjoying delicious appetizers. I won't bore you with details describing the beauty of the bride in her gorgeous dress, which pleasantly was not white but a unique ivory/beige and very complimentary.

When all the guests had arrived, we were asked to assemble on either side of an aisle lined with glowing torches. The ceremony was precided over by the groom's mother and was original and filled with personal stories of the couple and how their love for one another had grown and developed over the past couple of years. Much of it had been written by the couple and was very touching. The love, respect, support, and affection they held for one another was palpable. The shared hopes and dreams that they have for their joint future were apparent.

The ceremony was, of course, followed by a feast with plenty of laughter and dancing. A real celebration of love, life, passion, hope and optimism.

My greatest wish for these two is that life holds all the joy that this day of beginning was filled with. My worst fear for them, is that the curve balls that life can throw your way will wear them down and make everything they said that day seem pat, silly, youthful and ridiculously overly optimistic.

I wondered if I would ever be able to honestly feel that optimistic about a love again. I remembered the times that I have held those optimistic and pure feelings of love, respect, support and affection for my love. But I also remembered how my joy had been eroded and replaced by fear, sadness, defeat and lonliness.

I remembered that in each case I always had doubts - had the doubts killed my loves or were my doubts normal and acceptable? Have I made poor choices or am I immature in my expectations of love and a life partner/partnership?

And most poignant: will I ever be capable of feeling that optimistic about a love again?

I am envious of that young love... a love that does not yet know the pain of a love that dies.

On being GGG

2006-09-07T12:47:00.000-04:00

GGG is a term coined by Dan Savage, a popular advice columnist, and means "good, giving and game". It generally refers to the ideal for healthy human sexuality: that a partner should be "good, giving and game" when presented with their partner's fantasy. Like Savage, I too believe that in a good relationship partners should strive to be GGG. Frankly - if you've matched yourself with someone for whom you can't be GGG - perhaps you might want to re-think your choice of partner.

While Dan uses GGG solely in regards to sexual requests, I'm sure that is mostly because he writes primarily about sexual relationships and would agree with my assertion that we should strive to be GGG in response to all of our partner's requests. What, I wonder, is the point of being in a relationship if you don't have a reasonable expectation that any request you could make would be treated with respect and a GGG attitude. The key here is, of course, is that you both agree to what is within the realm of a 'reasonable' request.

One evening, while in the company of girlfriends, the conversation turned to body hair removal. The overwhelming consensus was: "I AM NOT removing my pubic hair and any guy who asks me too can take a hike!" "It's unnatural and I don't want to be with any man who wants me to be unnatural". I was a tad surprised. I am reasonably sure that every woman in the room shaved their legs, probably shaved their arm pits; cut their hair, used deodorant and toothpaste and probably some makeup. Apparently these are all 'natural' practises, but removing their pubic hair isn't. Go figure.

The overwhelming trend in 'beauty' these days is hairlessness. A shaved pussy is all the rage apparently. I think these women were reacting to this trend. Since they have been shaving their legs and using toothpaste most of their lives, these practises have been accepted as normal and natural. Shaving our pubic hair has become more common during our adult lives and is therefore a little harder for some women to accept as OK, let alone normal and natural. OK - I get that part - the part that stuck in my craw was the strong reaction they expressed to shaving because a 'man' might ask them to.

I've noticed this reaction before from people. Sometimes it seems like people will go out of their way NOT to do something that their partners request. The attitude seems to be: "if he/she asks me to do 'x' then they aren't accepting me the way I am." What does that kind of attitude do to communication in a relationship? It's the standard power play. The one who withholds requests will have power. But for how much longer will they have a happy relationship?

I've had all kinds of requests from lovers and almost all have been pretty easy to do, really. How hard is it to shave anyway? or take off all my jewellery? or wear something particular? or not leave my clothes on the floor? or do the dishes when I've eaten? or or or.... Of course, I fully expect reciprocal GGG - as we all should.

My reaction if a man wants me to shave my pussy? "Sure hon, if you'll shave your balls." Can make for a fun evening of GGG!

Amory - M or P?

2006-09-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

I met a young woman the other night who is looking for a new place to live. She wants her own place she says. She's tired of living with other people. She is currently living in a large open studio with 5 other people, all polyamorous. She implied they were polyamorous with one another.

Well, I thought, THAT beats every lifestyle choice I've ever tried!

I have had two periods of committed non-monogamy/polyamory and once I had two lovers who were friends with one another and were aware that they were both sleeping with me (although never in the same month interestingly). The men I involved myself with during these periods were, by and large, also not interested in relationships and also engaging in multiple partners. Some of them preferred not to know that I was seeing other people; some of them drove me crazy with requests for intimate details of the others.

While my friends have always respected my life style choices and supported me, I have often suspected that some of them 'worried' about my choices. There is a pervasive suspician of people who chose not to settle down into monogomous relationships. There must be something wrong with them. They must suffer from low self-esteem; otherwise they wouldn't be jumping in and out of a different bed every week.

Right now, I'm at a place where I would welcome a life love (in case you hadn't figured that out). However, I haven't always felt that way; may not always feel this way and certainly I'm sure there are plenty of people who never feel this way. Do I feel like I'm 'ready' and/or interested in a partnership because I am somehow 'healthier' than I was when I less interested? or just more lonely? or am I just a 'relationship' person at heart. Or perhaps I just don't have the energy to 'buck' the trend and continually tolerate the pity of others who think I'm doing myself more harm than good by multi-dating.

Is monogamy the last bastion of sex / gender liberation? If and when we completely get a handle on sexism and hetero-sexism, will monogamy be the next to go?

Of course, not all life-mates are monogamous and some polyamorous relationships are long lasting and rewarding (apparently - although I've never personally met one). While 'open' relationships apparently do exist, it would seem that infidelity is far more common. According to the Ashley Madison Agency, a highly successful internet dating company catering specifically to married people seeking extra-marital affairs, "the percentage of those who say they have had affairs ranges from 25% to 75% of all males and 15% to 60% of all women" . http://www.ashleymadison.com/app/public/articles/5.p Even more interesting is that according to the same article, the Kinsey report in 1953 found that "26 percent of wives and 50 percent of husbands said they had had a least one affair by the time they were 40 years old."

So - why are we still so intent on monogamy as the ideal?

I'm all for people being happy and fulfilled in their choices - whatever they may be. However, it's always harder to be happy and fulfilled in your choice when you know that others don't respect your choice. I've never really thought monogamy was all it's cracked up to be: I've just resolved that generally.... it's easier.

Jazz Guitarist Take 2

2006-09-03T13:38:00.000-04:00

Jazz Guitarist Take 2

Chalk Pastel - Sept 06

Why "chick-lit"?

2006-09-01T08:01:00.000-04:00

A few people have asked (and no doubt others have wondered): Why the focus in this blog on men, love, sex, relationships? They have suggested that they would be very (more?) interested in my comments on other topics.

I guess the best answer to that question is: Because I don't know the answer! I don't know why I obsess about men, love, sex and relationships. I don't know why my sexuality is so closely tied to my identity.

All my life I've received mixed messages. Feminism has told me I don't need a man to be happy. Life (and my hormones) have told me otherwise. The past 10 years of pop culture have served me well in terms of giving me minor heroines to identify with.

"Sex and the City" hit the tv screen in 1998 and gave me and many other women a source of laughter and wonderful (sometimes shame-faced) moments of "I've been there! I totally relate!". In 1999 Helen Fielding's "Bridget Jones Diary" hit the bookshelves and then the theatres, followed by a plethora of "chick-lit" that explored women's quest for the ideal relationship.

Obviously I am not the only intelligent, beautiful, single woman struggling to figure out why men, love, sex and relationships still occupy so much of my emotional energy.

One blogger noted that chick-lit (from Austen & Bronte to Fielding and on) is ..."about searching for love mostly as a by-product of searching for identity." http://jenniferweiner.blogspot.com/2004_05_09_jenniferweiner_archive.html

Ah Hah! No matter how hard I may try I can not separate my search for love from my search for identity. Not yet anyway. Should I feel ashamed of this? I'm sure some of my hard-core feminist friends will feel ashamed for me - so I'll let them carry that burden. Hey - what are friends for.

Sarah Blustain briefly explored the "Sex and the City" phonomenon in a "New Republic Online" article http://www.tnr.com/doc.mhtml?i=online&s=blustain022004 (note that this link may not take you to the full article - but if you do a google search for "sex and the city" feminism, it will come up with the full article under the same url - GO FIGURE!).

Among other critiques and questions, Blustain notes that the show and it's popularity makes it clear that "the feminist movement should start asking questions of itself. Among them: Why is it that women so empowered are finding love so hard to find? What does it mean that the most educated and successful women are, as a group, less fertile than ever? Is there any real option for the single besides settling down? And for the single woman who doesn't settle down, what supports does she need for later in life?... How hard is it for such powerful women to fit into a well-functioning couple? ... What happens to such a woman's career when children come into the picture? And more generally, what happens to her hard-earned and long-lived financial and emotional independence?"

So - if you still want to know why the focus on men, love, sex and relationship in my blog - here is my final definitive answer: Cause I want to! So there!

(I, of course, reserve the right to change my mind at any time and write about whatever shit I feel like writing about.)

For an entry to a more 'academic' discussion on chick-lit check out: http://www.electronicbookreview.com/thread/writingpostfeminism/exemplary

Note: the pic in this blog entry is NOT my work - it is courtesy of microsoft clipart

Curve Balls

2006-08-31T19:43:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it feels alot like life has me on the defensive. That the world is conspiring to just keep throwing stuff at me that I have to 'deal' with. Curve balls.

Then I give myself a shake and tell myself to quit thinking so negatively. Count your blessings. Be happy you've got as many gifts and privileges as you do. And I do.

But still.... sure would like the world to throw me a meatier bone now and again. I think the last really great bone I got was my daughter. It's been twelve years! Can I have another one please?
Last spring I thought I must be overdue to either a) win the lottery; b) land my dream job or c) fall madly in love with someone wonderful who loved me.

Instead I got a really ridiculous law suit and more of the same....

And the beat goes on and it's still fun to laugh.

Jazz Musician

2006-08-30T19:00:00.000-04:00

Jazz Musician
Chalk Pastels
August 2006

.... hands are impossible!!! and I'm not really great at faces either!! Ah well.... I doubt I'm ready to give up my day job after a total of 3 drawings!!

Why not to mess with a librarian.

2006-08-29T21:36:00.000-04:00

Not all that long ago I met a man in a bar. We laughed and danced, he walked me home and asked for my phone number. How 1950s, wouldn't you say. It was nice.

A week went by and he didn't call. It's not the first time a man has not called. But I thought this one would. He didn't strike me as a player.

Another week went by.

Here are the things I knew about him:

His age, first name (both legal and common), his profession and the neighbourhood in which he lived. I knew the year he was born and what he looked like. I knew that he was more fun on the dance floor than I've had with a man in a really long time. And I knew he kissed well.

I went online. Within half an hour I had his email address and sent him the following message:

Hello,

Never flirt in a bar with a librarian, because we WILL find you! : )

Since you haven't called I figured:

a) you are married
b) you didn't like me as much as you did when you were drunk
c) you lost my phone number
d) you blacked out the entire evening

Care to let me know?

signed,

tall beautiful blonde you met 'in orbit'

I heard from him the next day.

Sleeping and other bodily functions

2006-08-29T00:52:00.000-04:00

One of the things that I'm really good at is sleeping. First of all, I grew up with one of the best sleepers I've ever met. My father. I swear to god, a normal day in my father's life (when I was a child) went something like this:

morning: rise early - somewhere between 4 and 8 am depending on the season. 7 would be pretty average. work, eat, have coffee, work, have a snack, work, break for lunch.

afternoon: have a nap after lunch either on the couch, or maybe in his chair, occasionally lying in the sun. work, have coffee and snack (or beer maybe in summer), work, quit somewhere between 3 and 6pm. Sit down to read a magazine, fall asleep. Wake up for supper.

evening: eat supper and chat with family. Lay down to watch tv, fall asleep. Wake up from nap and maybe spend a few hours on a hobby, talking with family, or more work. Fall asleep and if not already in bed, get up and go to bed.

Seriously.

Of course, don't forget I remember this through my child's eye. This was what his life looked like to me. I have less knowledge of what his daily life was really like. Seems I once heard he had difficulties sleeping... or maybe that was his mother.... Certainly we all know that great grandma who lived with dad as he was growing up - used to get up in the middle of the night and make oatmeal as she assumed it was morning, or at least was going to treat it as one if she were awake anyway.

I've inherited many things from my father and his mother's side of the family - one of them is sleep. We have a strange relationship with sleep.

I've been heard say on more than one occasion that I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, and for any length of time. I knew when I fell asleep on a Guatemalan chicken bus - you know - one of those buses that we used here as a school bus in 1966, and then shipped to the third world thirty years later and is now serving as standard inter-town transportation for both cargo and passengers in many small countries. In Guatemala the people are pretty small. They put extra seats in the bus. When I squeezed my 6 ft form into the seat, my knees were pretty much in my chest. I slept for at least half of the 8 hour journey. In the heat! I knew then that I had a rare and wonderful talent.

When I fly from Toronto to Vancouver (4,5 hours) I often fall asleep before the plane leaves the tarmac in Toronto and wake as the plane approaches for a landing in Vanouver. I'm not kidding. I slept all but 5 hours of the 13 hour flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver and then half of the connecting flight to Toronto.

And no, I do not take sleeping pills.

I like to sleep. I do it a lot. I'm good at it.

Turns out I also have one and possibly two medical conditions that cause and/or necessitate that I sleep an inordinate amount. When it gets really bad I'll sleep about 17 hours a day.

It's a rare day when I can't fall asleep at night. Rarer still is if I awake in the night and can not go back to sleep. In fact, I wake often in the night. I wake, look at the clock, turn over and go back to sleep. Often up to 6 times a night. Like my father before me, I am the queen of the cat nap. 5 minutes; 15 minutes; an hour or two - and often.

So... when I can't fall asleep at night, I figure, like my great grandmother before me, that I may as well just treat it like a day. I get up. I do something. Tonight I have written this....

Actually I meant to write about this, and hormones, and that I'm having one of those 30+ day months that I get occasionally.... or is this the beginning of the end? meaning.... the big M; the M word; the change.... fucking menopause. Obviously, I'm not happily embracing this inevitable part of my life. I've thought alot about death and dying and I don't think I'm too freaked about that.... but menopause.... shit ... turns out I'm not really crazy about it. Like Samantha from "Sex and the City", menopause means growing old, losing youth, losing sex appeal. People can die at any age, but menopause only happens to those who live that long.

In either case.... onset of menopause or one of those freakishly long cycles I sometimes have... this explains a lot of my eratic behaviour of late. Turns out the week I met the latest object of my affection I was at the height of my cycle; meaning I was fertile and looking for sex! I really didn't think I was, at the time... but .... maybe that's it.

I do consider the possibility that love is just about proximity. I may simply fall in love with any man I fuck when my hormones are in a particular 'state'. That's it: wrong place, wrong time, if he likes me a little and is reasonably attractive himself. Voila! I'm in love!

Now... at least one of my friends would be interrupting me right about now to insist that what I'm talking about isn't love. Well, in answer to that I would say that I think there are lots of different kinds of love and that although they start and grow (or not) in many different ways... 'falling in love' is one of the more common starting points. Sometimes we 'fall in love' with someone we already know... a friend or colleague... but we still 'fall'.

Besides, that's one of the reasons why blogs are so great.... you get to talk, without friends interrupting.

I am kept awake by thoughts of the object of my affection; and that I am likely not the object of his affection; and perhaps I'm going into menopause and if that's true, it's no wonder I'm not the object of his affection.

If I keep this up I'll never fly. (Happy thoughts Peter. Think happy thoughts. - Tinker Bell to Peter Pan)

Happy thought: My day will come.

For more hormone related amusement see:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20060826.LEAH26/TPStory/?query=leah+mclaren

Under my skin

2006-08-26T14:09:00.000-04:00

I suffer from a common love malady: I tend to fall for men who don't want me. Men who withhold their affection or are unable to express affection; who are fundamentally unavailable to me. Much has been written on the phenomenon of the emotionally unavailable male... I'm not going to wax poetic on that one.... the question for me is why me? Why do I do it? What draws me to these people.

My therapist and I have concluded that the roots lay in my first intimate relationship: the relationship with my mother. The hypothesis is that she was fundamentally unavailable to me in some important way and thus the unavailable seems 'normal' to me; attractive to me. Unavailable, in my weird little psyche, is a defining characteristic of love.

To make things even more annoying, for some reason most of the men that actually express desire for me are severly wounded and problematic people. They drink too much, are under achievers, and are angry with the world and ultimately act in abusive ways.

I probably scare the living hell out of your average healthy emotionally available man. I think I tend to the intense; and that can be pretty intimidating I guess. For example: here is a short and not overly poetic poem written during one of my many unrequited crushes:

I've got you under my skin.
I'm fucked up!
I want to scream.
I want you in my bed.
You have me body and soul (probably)
yet.... you don't want me.

If a thousand ants where crawling under my skin it would not torment me more.

Pretty INTENSE! Sounds like something a sixteen year old would write doesn't it?

I have these infatuations relatively often. I see something in 'us'. And they don't. Does this happen to all of us? or just me? Perhaps I've never managed to mature when it comes to intimate relationships.

.... and a note on art

2006-08-25T15:24:00.000-04:00

In terms of work, it hasn't exactly been a productive summer. However, I am relatively pleased by the amount of creative product I have produced. So... I may well die a penniless artist one day. Starting to feel like an attractive option... hmmmmm

By the way, all the images on this site are my own photos or photos of my art. (Unless I note otherwise). I take many of the pictures with the idea of creating paintings of them. I'm overly drawn to flowers for some reason.

I find it hard to reconcile my self- image with my love of flowers sometimes.

Emotional memories

2006-08-23T16:53:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been thinking of going back through my files, journals, etc. etc. to find the evidence that supported my decision to spend those 5 years with x. Turns out, it was by far the worst relationship of my entire life. Yet I do remember a time when I felt, wrote, and believed that he was "my love, my life, my destiny".

How could my feelings have swung so extremely; from one end of the spectrum to the other in a mere 5 years? Am I bipolar? Is he? How could I have made such a bad decision? Maybe going back to the writings I made at the time we were getting together, would help me remember the reasons I made the decisions I did.

I don't do it though. The thought of reading my feelings from those days is exhausting and scary. I'm not ready to face that version of me, head on. I'm not ready to re-live some of those feelings; the memories are hard enough and they are fading.

Common wisdom maintains, and experience generally confirms, that ultimately we remember the good for longer and with better recollection than the bad. But does this remain true when the experience is REALLY bad? Do the biggest pains dull as quickly as the little ones? Do the good memories and feelings have enough power to overwhelm the really bad memories?

Here's a scary thought: What would happen if you had so few good memories that they just weren't enough to fill your mind, so the bad ones stayed with strength too?

So.... do we make decisions based on feeling good, and betting that if we make a decision in a particular direction we will continue to feel good tomorrow?

Indian Paintbrush

2006-08-22T16:08:00.000-04:00

Indian Paint Brush Aug. 05

Slow? or Quick?

2006-08-22T15:34:00.000-04:00

I usually think of myself as being quick. I generally understand others. I process information fairly quickly. People, to complement me, will mention my mental capacity more often than any other attribute I posess.

I'm usually impatient with those who process slowly. Especially men. I have chosen at least two men who drove me crazy because the speed at which they operated was noticeably different from mine. It does not necessarily follow however, that they were my intellectual inferior. Not necessarily so - just slower.

Therefore, it comes as a bit of a shock to learn that I am extremely slow at processing my feelings. It is Tuesday. I am starting to understand my behaviour on Sunday night.

I went to 'the local' for a pint. Love Sunday Night Gospel! I chatted with a number of folk I know there, met a few new ones. And yes, I did think how it would be cool if H were there and how he would react should he find me there.

Be careful what you wish for, they say. Almost last call and I turn and look up to see those eyes. I am surprised. He appears surprised as well. Light warm hugs and kisses are exchanged.

I felt mildly rejected and disapointed that my fantasy did not materialize. Duh! Like how often do fantasies actually materialize anyway?

He did not sit down next to me, look into my eyes and tell me: "I'm SO happy you are here."

I don't think he was either happy or unhappy that I was there. However it seemed clear that he was no more interested in talking to me that evening than anyone else there, and perhaps did not want to be seen as paying me more attention than anyone else. People can be strange about that.

But - boy - I want that. I want someone I like and am electrically attracted to, to find me as endlessly fascinating as I find them.

You know, I'm not sure there is such a thing as feeling 'mildly' rejected.

I didn't know at the time exactly what I was feeling and as such, doubt that I was at all clear or eloquent in trying to discuss my feelings with H. Why the hell did I feel compelled to discuss it with him at that particular time? Stupid fucking beer!

Will anyone ever understand that we have more to gain by falling in love than we have to lose? Life is fundamentally better when you are in love. Wow - I'm a fucking love addict!

I want a reasonable opportunity to work again at making a love like that last, evolve and reward.

Any takers?

J's family

2006-08-22T02:04:00.000-04:00

I spent some time again this evening looking at the websites and blogs that J put up about his daughters.

I met J at a party about 6 months before the birth of his first child. I fell for him almost immediately. His wit and quickness blew me away. And he has the most mischievous smile with a twinkle in amazing blue eyes. Oh yes, and an accent to make my knees weak.

I didn't realize he was married. In a moment of brazenness I told him I really wanted to kiss him. I saw him hesitate briefly, but we did kiss and it was amazing. I was smitten. We met again a week or two later and even though at that time I did find out he was married we set out on a friendship that included sex. Sometimes I think we tried not to - certainly I think he tried not to. I didn't promise him anything, nor he I. After a few weeks J begged off the relationship and we minimized our contact to a phone call now and again.

His daughter was born with severe medical issues, no doubt putting stress on a marriage that was already very difficult (at least for J). Although he admitted loving his wife he found her very difficult to live with. A few months after the baby was born J and I got together again. Again it lasted a very few weeks; was restricted to very few get togethers and they were always very short and often did not even include sex. But an hour of conversation with J was more stimulating and enjoyable than entire evenings spent in the company of other men.

Six months later I received a Happy New Year greeting from J via email. Sporadically we had exchanged emails and the odd telephone call. I responded and we agreed to get together for a drink and a catch up. The baby was doing well, all things considered, but their marriage was more stressed than ever and his wife had recently proclaimed that she wanted a divorce. I felt so bad for them all and encouraged J to hang on to his marriage if he could.

During the weeks that followed we spent a bit more time together as J looked for a place to live and spent much of his time outside the house. We went together to the same annual party where we had met the previous year. It was the only 'date' we ever had and it was an amazing evening. We danced together and laughed and went home early to make love. Mostly I remember the dancing and how J liked to hold me so close to his body that it felt almost as if we were one when we were dancing.

I seldom thought that J and I would ever have a future together. Even if he hadn't been married, there were things about him that I think would have eventually caused me pain and I recognized them relatively early. Besides, at the time that I met J I was not interested in pursuing relationships. I was deeply wounded from my own horrible marriage that had ended the spring before J and I first met.

Shortly after that date, J called me to tell me that his wife had accessed his email and found out about us. They say that people who get caught in their affairs want to get caught and I often think that J wanted to be caught. Finding out about me seemed to galvanize his wife's resolve to stay in the marriage and eventually J felt he must give it a chance. His wife corresponded with me via email a couple of times. She was very accusatory and hurt and hurtful. J and I had coffee once or twice over the next few months but then we settled back in to our own lives and rarely corresponded.

About a year later I gave J a call to see how things were going. Their daughter was very ill and they did not expect her to live too much longer. She had been in the hospital for months and they were working to bring her home for palliative care. J also told me that they were expecting a second daughter in a few months. I called again a few months later and his workplace told me he was away for the week. I thought "either the baby has died, or the new baby has arrived".

Very occasionally when I am driving in J's neighborhood late at night I drive down his street to see if I can see him sitting outside having a cigarette. I know that is his habit, even if I don't know exactly which house is his. One night not so long ago I spotted him. I stopped the car and whistled softly out my window in his direction. When he looked up he recognized me immediately. He told me that the baby had died the previous month and that the new baby had arrived 12 hours later! We promised to get together for a drink one day soon.

In the following days I sent J an email of both congratulations and condolences:

It was really nice to see you this evening - if just for the moment. I'm not sure I reacted appropriately to hearing of [baby's] passing. I am so sad for you and [wife]. As I drove down Bathurst a wave of sadness swept over me and I wanted to cry for all you have been through in the last 3 years. I can't imagine the feelings that you have been going through - for to even try to imagine them overwhelms me. Happy for [new baby] - sad (and perhaps relieved and happy) for [first born]. Guilty for feeling happy and relieved and sad and .... it's just too much ...

Sometimes I wish we had never had what we had... perhaps if we hadn't we could just all be friends and part of one another's lives, and I could have known [your daughters], and it wouldn't be so difficult to just get together and talk politics and freakonomics and parenthood and how the world should be... perhaps even [wife] and I would get on - you love her - perhaps I would too.... it's just all a fantasy....

But we did and I can't really be sorry. Neither can I forget, nor completely let go.. I will always think of you and wonder how you are doing and every once in a while I will just appear - like tonight.

It still remains true - that an hour of conversation with you was more exciting and stimulating than an entire evening of love making with many others. It also remains true that you had kisses that made me feel I was 15 again.

I do hope we manage to get together for that beer every now and again.

My deepest deepest sympathies for your loss. And my most warmest congratulations on [baby's] happy arrival!

As always, I remain ...

Your friend and kindred spirit...

With love,

J called me one day a couple of weeks later (and a couple of weeks ago) and we chatted for almost an hour. I followed up with the following message:

Hi,

Thanks for calling tonight. It was nice to catch up, even though at times I found our conversation a tad awkward. I'm not sure why really - probably we were both in 'odd' spaces. Me: sleepy and still reeling from the legal battle depression stuff. You: sleep deprived, grieving, and as always struggling with the mild existential angst that we share.

I spent a lot of time this evening on [first born's] website and both her's and [new baby's] blogs. It's a gift you give to share your family and your experiences with the world. Thanks.

My heart is full and warm for you and your life so full of family and friends. Hang on to it J. It's really all there is.

Love,

Very very soon after sending that last message I received a voice mail message from J's wife. She had somehow discovered that J and I had been in touch, was furious and accused me of tempting a married man. I attempted to speak to J before I responded in any way to her message but he did not return my message. I finally wrote the following to his wife and copied him:

I received your voice mail on Sunday. I wish to assure you that I have no intention of pursuing a relationship with J. Yes it is true that I have spoken to him occasionally. I have called him a couple of times for professional advice re: web design and marketing. I have also called him a couple of times to inquire as to the health and well being of all of you (especially baby). I have also run in to him on the streets once or twice. That is all.

I suppose you are correct in saying that my motivations for contacting him on those few occasions have been selfish, in that I was the one seeking something: (advice and/or information). However, I certainly did not think that my calls could cause him, or you, any pain or suffering. I am notorious for keeping in touch with friends - if only through the occasional phone call. I find it difficult to dismiss people from my life completely. I choose my friends because of a real connection that does not just disappear when circumstances change. I did not for a moment expect that I was "fucking with his brain" as you put it. It is obvious that you have issues with trust or you would not be so hurt and angered by our occasional conversations. However, I do not wish to make things any more difficult or painful for J than they already are. Therefore, you can be assured that I will not be calling him again anytime soon.

Whatever happened between J and myself is in the past. I wish him (and you) all the best. I also wish to offer my sympathies on the passing of your daughter. And my congratulations on the recent joyful arrival of another daughter.

Best regards,

I have not heard again from either of them and this is how it should be. I check the websites for the girls that J maintains now and again. Perhaps I shouldn't. His wife's accusations haunt me.... did I 'tempt' J? What role do I / did I play in upsetting their life? Before I backed out of J's life when they decided to keep working on the marriage I asked him what his feelings were for me. He told me he felt tenderness. I too, feel tenderness for J.

I have promised them I will not contact J. So I won't. I hope I just bump into him once in a while so I can see that mischieveous smile again.

I miss him.

Taking Bad Turns

2006-08-05T19:02:00.000-04:00

Unlike the legendary Alfhild - I have not (yet) had the wisdom to wait for my equal before succumbing to the temptation of marriage. Forty something years old, a myriad of relationships, marriages, lovers and liaisons and I seem barely closer to choosing a good partner.

Normally you would expect someone as useless at choosing men as I am to have a childhood history of bad relationships with men. I don't! I spent a lot of my formative (under 5) years with my father, uncle, and grandfather. I loved them all. They were all men worthy of respect. They are treated me exceptionally well. They were all kind, decent people. The closest they came to violence was going on male bonding hunting trips every fall.

Many women give up on men by my age. After all, by and large the majority female opinion is that with relatively few exceptions - men suck! But as my friend R says - I am perpetually optimistic in love. Also perpetually stupid she might have added, but kindly didn't.

The latest candidate has thrown yet another wobbly today and now I face going to a friend's birthday party without him when I had happily anticipated going with him. This one can't decide to be with me and can't decide to be without me. What's my excuse for tolerating this semi-abusive drama? He is actually a really good man. There are so few of them.

Like probably 35,000 other 40 something women - this blog is about my journey with men. Perhaps by the end of it I will be closer to understanding why I take so many bad turns on this journey.

Alfhild: The Pirate Princess

2006-07-30T19:11:00.000-04:00

I found Alfhild's story during my many meanderings through cyberspace searching for unusual and strong women's names to use as profile nicknames.

Sometime in the 9th century (or at least sometime between the 5th and 12th century), Synardus, the King of Gotland (an island off the south-east corner of Sweden) and his wife had a beautiful daughter named Alfhild (aka Alvida, Alwilda, Alvild). In those days kidnapping was very common. Both humans and trolls were guilty of abducting others and the myths and stories of Scandinavia are full of kidnapping stories. Beautiful princesses were of course especially vulnerable. So, to protect the beautiful Alfhild, her parents kept her locked in her room, and set two poisonous snakes to keep away all but the most ardent of suitors.

The most persistent and brave fellow turned out to be Prince Alf of Denmark, and he was the only suitor to defeat the vipers. Thus earning the right to marry young Alfhild.

Now, it should be noted here that the snakes do not show up in every version of Alfhild’s story. Some say her father arranged the marriage with Prince Alf against her will.

In any case, apparently Alfhild was not the least bit interested in marrying some stuffy prince and moving to another country. Instead, dressed in man’s clothing she escaped and joined a band of other women who had no interest in marriage. In some stories it is suggested that these women were valkyries, thus taking the story out of the historic realm and into the mythic as the valkyries were undoubtedly mythic characters.

Before too long, Alfhild and her friends happened upon a band of pirates (unclear as to whether these pirates were men or women, or both – however most accounting suggest that all of Alfhild’s crew were women) who had recently lost their captain. Apparently they were so impressed with Alfhild that they quickly adopted her as captain and before long Alfhild commanded a fleet of ships that raided ships and settlements along both the Baltic and North Sea coasts.

Alfhild’s band of pirates became so well known and feared that eventually they attracted the attention of the King of Denmark who dispatched his son and greatest warrior to take care of this female nuisance: none other than Prince Alf who had been betrothed to Alfhild.

Prince Alf and his fleet chased Alfhild up and down the coast and although she fought back valiantly, eventually Alf’s ships cornered them in the Gulf of Finland and boarded Alfhild’s ship. A great battle ensued and both sides sustained heavy casualties. Alfhild found herself in deathly battle with Prince Alf himself. Alfhild wore a helmet that concealed her beautiful face and it wasn’t until she finally succumbed in battle with Alf and he removed the helmet that the prince realized that the powerful pirate warrior that he had been fighting was not only a woman, but also actually his escaped fiancé.

The battle with Alf had convinced Alfhild that he was not the silly weak prince that she had thought him to be, but instead was a man with strength and courage equal to her own. Thus impressed, when he immediately proposed marriage, she was happy to consent.
She went on to share his wealth and throne as Queen of Denmark, and together they had a daughter, who they named Gurith.

The primary sources that I used to compile this story are:

http://blacksheepancestors.com/pirates/
http://www.swashbuckler.co.nz/Realpirates/Realwomen.htm
http://www.beaglebay.com/women_pirates.htm#Alwilda
http://pirateshold.buccaneersoft.com/roster/alfhild.html
http://www.thepirateking.com/bios/alvilda.htm