The Breathalizer Phone

Communications Technology and Dating

I grew up about a hundred years ago and more than 2000 miles away from this cosmopolitan city I now live in. I received my first date invitation when I was 13 years old, via a telephone call. Normal enough. EXCEPT ... I lived in a rural area and we still had party lines. For those of you born way after me and in a more populated area: a party line is a telephone line that is shared by multiple households. Inevitably there are always some people who find it entertaining to 'rubber-neck' (where, I wonder, did that term come from?) on other people's conversations.

The morning after I accepted the invitation to my very first date, I boarded my school bus only to face teasing and cat calls regarding my up-coming date. Everyone in the neighborhood knew the details of my fledgling romance. Needless to say I was relatively mortified.

My father bought me my first telephone answering machine when I was in my mid twenties. It revolutionized my dating habits. Not at first... but like most people I eventually learned that if I was fearful of talking to someone I could let the machine take their call. Even more importantly, if I wanted to communicate with someone but was fearful of actually speaking to them, I could approximate a good time to call when I would be likely to get the machine and leave my message then. Suddenly, a lot of 'date' related phone calls were getting made in the middle of the day!

While this sounds awfully wimpy - I must note I certainly was not the only one making use of this technique!

For the next decade or more I was in relationship(s) and not paying a lot of attention to changes in dating rituals. Bring on the Internet generation and I'm again participating in the dating game. While the telephone is obviously still being used, it is perhaps less prevalent than other communications technologies. Now, I often meet people online, communicate with them through email and instant messaging and use text messaging on my cell phone as an alternative communications method.

Oh.... the choices! Now, if I (or one of my paramours) wants to communicate we have a variety of methods to choose from. Depending on the message, the distance, the time of day (or night), the status of the relationship.... etc. etc.... which communications method is appropriate and/or comfortable?

I have sent flirtatious or funny text messages to a friend's phone when I knew they were likely to be in the middle of a stressful work day. I have manipulated my online status to control who I will talk to online - I can appear to not be online and only show that I am online when the person(s) I am hoping will contact me come online. I can set my status to 'busy' with the hope that the object of my affection will get curious as to what I am doing / who I am talking to and make contact. I can chose to send an email to say thanks for a good time; or a text message; or a phone call. I can have phone sex with my boyfriends or we can have 'virtual sex' - which is basically the same as phone sex - only in written form using instant messaging. I can engage in writing erotic or flirtatious ficticious stories with my boyfriends by sending emails back and forth with each of us adding a scene to the story.

I have friends and colleagues who decry the reduction of face to face communications that people engage in - they are suspicious and critical and fear that by avoiding communicating in person we are reducing our ability to engage in community with others. I see their point.

Personally, I like written communications. I always have. I was a letter writer as a child and young adult and I took to the email generation even before the world wide web was a reality. For a variety of reasons there are things that are easier to say in written form than in verbal form. I have sometimes grown closer to people through correspondence. I embrace the variety of communications .... but have never really been a telephone person.... I blame it on that first date experience.

My friend, R, invented the Breathalizer Phone. (Of course it only exists in our imaginations so far). A telephone that will not operate if you are drunk, because of course, we have all come to consiousness on a Sunday morning with the vague memory of phoning a boyfriend or ex boyfriend and making complete asses of ourselves. Remember the Friend's episode where Rachel calls Ross for 'closure'? No? well.... you likely get the picture anyway.

"Don't Drink and Dial" is as much a part of our parlance as "Don't Drink and Drive". And now we have to add: Don't Drink and Text! Sheesh...

For more on dating communications etiquette see:
http://sexonmydesk.ivillage.com/love/2006/08/the_new_rules_of_technology_in.html

Truth? or Kindness? You? or Him?

It has come to my attention that one of the things readers like to focus on when they read my blog is: WHO is she talking about?

I may be referring to someone particular. I may be making the character up from various aspects of real people I have known. I may be referring to someone I once knew.

But what is more important, for me anyway, is that I hope that I am talking about thoughts and issues that are not common to just 'my' life.

So.... when I write about a man I don't want to see again and whether the best course of action is to tell him why.... or let him down easy.... the question is not WHO am I talking about.... the question is: is it best to tell the truth or be 'kind'? Which is actually kinder?

If it were YOU I was talking about, what would YOU want? It 'could' be you, you know. Or maybe not. Probably not.

Motivation

I've been wanting to get a posting finished for days now. I feel bad for neglecting my blog. I am working on a few pieces - but none are ready for posting. I've been low on motivation.

Tonight I attended a dinner party with very old friends - family really. Topics raised in my blog were referenced during the party. One friend complimented the blog - saying they thought there was 'good stuff' there (or something like that).

My dog.... you actually do read this stuff! It was good to know. I feel more motivated now. Thanks.

More to come.

(ps. use the comments feature now and again, ok?)

To take advantage of

advantage

· superiority or ascendancy (often fol. by over or of): His height gave him an advantage over his opponent

take advantage of

· Put to good use; avail oneself of; also, profit selfishly by, exploit. For example, They really take advantage of her good nature, getting her to do all the disagreeable chores. [Late 1300s]

· to impose upon, esp. unfairly, as by exploiting a weakness: to take advantage of someone.

· To profit selfishly by; exploit: took advantage of the customer

The Dream

As I left the cafeteria I offered him a ride: “I’m going west, I can drop you off at a subway if you like.” He accepted the ride. (It should perhaps be noted that ‘he’ was a popular television character known for womanizing.)

He asked if we could stop briefly so he could pick up something to eat, to which I complied even though I was afraid I would be late for my mother’s birthday dinner.

He went in to the restaurant to place his order and began to flirt with the women in the restaurant. The next thing I know, I am left with his food and his bill, while he disappears into the mountains with 2 (or more) women. While I wait, people begin thinking that my car is a bus and they get on it and wonder why I’m not leaving.

“This is not a bus!” I say. They do not want to believe me and seem to think that if they simply stay in their seats I will take them where they want to go.

“This is not a bus!” I scream. With great hautiness they disembark. I hear murmurs of “you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Finally he comes out of the mountains and gets in the car. There are now 6 of us in the car, and it appears that he is driving. I don’t know where we are, or where we are going. I am worried again about being late for my mother’s birthday dinner. One of the women in the car is giving directions to him.

“I’m not driving” he says to her. “She is.” Indicating me.

At which point I realize that indeed I AM driving and somehow it has been assumed that I am taking each one of them to their own homes.
“Wait!” I say…. “I can’t take you all home. That wasn’t the deal. I said I could drop you at a subway. I’m going to be late for my mother’s dinner.”

They are all greatly disappointed and begin to argue with me. I am getting quite angry and am aware that because of that I am not paying appropriate attention to my driving.

“NO!” I am yelling at them – “I can’t do this. I didn’t say I would.”

Suddenly there is a group of children in the road. I swerve to miss them but unfortunately I hear the sickening crunch of the car striking one of the children.

I immediately break. My passengers yell, “Don’t stop. We need to get home. Don’t stop.”

I stop the car and get out and run to see. After I have struck the little girl, another car has hit her and she is now stuck under that car. She is dressed in a pink snowsuit and she is screaming and in great pain. Someone is holding her and yelling “Call 911” and someone else is trying to lift the car off of her.

I chastise myself for not already calling 911, and for leaving my phone in the car. The little girl screams again. There is blood. I hear my voice in agony say “Oh my god!” which awakens me.

I am shaken by this dream and lay awake wondering at it’s meaning.

The overwhelming message that comes to me is:

“It always ends badly when you let others take advantage of you.”

Perfume

Advertising is a constant source of entertainment and bewilderment. I'm one of those people who reads without thinking. I read every billboard; every elevator posting; ever traffic sign I pass. (well ... maybe not EVERY - but you get my meaning). I read the weirdest headlines sometimes. For example, take this one:

What does your perfume say about you?

Perfume only says one thing about you: you want to attract others to you and/or leave others with a positive impression of yourself.

Of course I suppose if you chose a bad one it could also say you have bad taste - but that (like anything else the aroma may say to others is in thier eye (or nose in this case) and says nothing about the wearer and more about the smeller.


We wear perfume, should we wear it, to attract others to us or to help leave others with a positive impression of ourselves.

Rock Star Status for Storytelling

My friend V has gone to Guatemalan for a few months to volunteer to help establish a community library (or something like that). Her first week has been challenging (to say the least). You can read about her adventures at: http://valinguatemala.livejournal.com/

I met V in 'library school' about 10 years ago. She is more than 10 years younger than me, and one of the brightest, funniest, most wonderful people I know. She tells, and writes, wonderful stories with great skill and comes up with wonderful images.

As part of her volunteer activities right now, she has been assisting a wonderful young teacher (M) in providing ESL classes and storytime sessions with the local kids. Here is how she describes her experience in the Guatemalan village of 'El Remate': [note: I will correct V's spelling - cause, let's just say spelling is not one of her many many talents :) ]

V says that it is worth whatever crap she may be experiencing, " just to be able to roady to M´s new 'El Remate' Rock Star status for her storytime skills."